Flags: Part 1 of 2

“Wait… how could anybody have so much to say about flags that they need to split a post about them into two parts?”  Well, I answer your question with a completely unrelated question: how are they still allowed to call it “Survivor” when it’s been on the air for 29 seasons and 429 episodes, and yet EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS SURVIVED??  They should be forced to rename it “That show where everyone is still alive at the end, always.”  Show has fewer scary moments than a rated G Disney cartoon.

(Although, to be fair, the Hellfire song from Hunchback of Notre Dame WAS pretty terrifying…)

Anyway, we’re more off track than every single game where you put the electric car on the track and squeeze the trigger to make it go - seriously, did anyone NOT squeeze it too fast and send it flying on the first turn every single time? - so let’s get to the flags.

For a recent work project, I found myself looking at many countries’ flags.  The work itself was boring - it involved a mix of jewelry trends and international shipping - so instead, let’s just pretend that I was doing research to determine which country Rambo should completely destroy while mumbling incomprehensible jibberish next.  (Answer: all of them.  AT THE SAME TIME.  Rambo clones himself 195 times, in Rambo 32, starring Stallone, Stallone, Stallone, Stallone, Stallone, Stallone….)

As I researched Rambo 32, I noticed something: most flags are boring.  Like, really boring.  So boring that it made me wonder if “flags” is actually an acronym for “F’ing Lame Ass Goat Shit.”  A whooping 26 sovereign states currently have flags that are nothing more than “three stripes that are different colors”:

“Hey, wait a minute… he cheated, two of those flags appear twice!”  NOPE, Chuck Testa.  Fun fact: Chad and Romania have the exact same flag, and Ireland and the Ivory Coast have the same color scheme with slightly different dimensions!  And if you actually think that fact was fun, I have some fantastic paint you can watch dry on my apartment wall for the low, low price of just $20/hour!

But just in case you think the lack of creativity is limited to the three stripers, check this out:

That’s three different flags!  Two of them are just upside-down versions of the other, and the third blew everyone’s mind by saying “what if we took that same pattern… and made it ever so slightly less wide???”  Rumor has it the flag designer was promptly executed for proposing such a radical idea.  Either that, or they were going to get even crazier by adding a third stripe, but they ran out of paint.

Even my beloved United States flag isn’t exactly standing out these days, thanks to the launch of the Liberian flag in 1847 and the modification of the Malaysian flag in 1963:

But, as we all know, if there’s one thing we Americans care about - other than football tailgates with Budweisers in pickup trucks - it’s being independent, creative, and original.  That’s actually why we revolted way back in 1776: don’t let the history books fool you, it had nothing to do with taxation without representation, it was due to flag-ation without imagination:

Compared to that, our flag looks more creative than Picasso on shrooms.

So, are there ANY good, creative, exciting flags out there?  Of course!  A few favorites:

Brazil

It’s original; it’s creative; it’s fun.  The bright colors scream “let’s go party at the beach and celebrate the fact that our women are beautiful and our drinks are delicious”, and who can blame them?  It’s become iconic through their dominant soccer team - sorry, I’d call it “football”, but that almost seems like a dirty word in America after all the NFL’s off-field drama lately - and yet, nobody has attempted to copy it yet.  Bravo, Brazil!

Albania

I like it, because it looks straight out of a Marvel movie. Seriously, look at the Hydra flag:

If any country randomly puts a picture of a shield on their flag, I guarantee they’ll be at war with Albania in less than a month.

Bhutan

I don’t really know anything about Bhutan, but that flag is awesome.  Well played, Bhutan.  If I ever start my own country, the over/under for “dragons appearing on my flag” will be 37.  (Pro tip: take the under… 37 wouldn’t leave enough room for the t-rexes, and what good is a flag full of dragons if they’re not busy battling an army of t-rexes?)

Mexico

If you want to do the three stripes thing, take notes: this is how it’s done.  “Oh, don’t mind us, we’re just doing a boring ol’ three striper… WITH A BADASS EAGLE EATING A MUTHAFUCKIN SERPENT, AND NOT GIVING TWO FUCKS ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE’S STANDING ON TOP OF A PLANT KNOWN FOR BEING PAINFUL TO TOUCH.  In the words of the wise philosopher Gronk, “Yo soy fiesta.”

Panama

As someone who got a C in art in 5th grade - you know, the year where you basically got a B just for remembering which side of the pencil was the eraser and which side was the tip - I appreciate what Panama has done here.  It’s simple enough for a child to draw, yet it’s still found a way to be original.  Solid colors, original design, good symmetry, and starts to look like a tangram puzzle if you stare at it long enough.  All good things.

St. Lucia

Pretty sure that either Star Trek actually took place in St. Lucia instead of outer space, or that St. Lucia is actually a planet in a distant galaxy.  Either way, beam me up, Scotty.

Canada

It’s arguably the flag that best embodies its country.  Outside of putting a giant hockey player on here with a cartoon bubble saying “eh?” while holding a bottle of maple syrup in one hand and a Labatt Blue in the other, is there anything more Canadian than throwing a giant maple leaf on the flag?

(This is the part where I scroll through Wikipedia’s flag page, see Israel’s flag, and immediately regret saying Canada’s flag is the one that best embodies its country.  Whatever, I’m not changing it.  Editing and delete keys are for losers.  I WRITE FOR ME, NOT FOR YOU.)

I write to win… for me!  FOR ME!!!

There are some things in life that are simply too permanent to get rid of, such as tattoos, or the aftertaste you get from Outback’s garlic mashed potatoes.  Fortunately for us, flags are not one of those things.  Flags are fixable; in fact, most flags have been changed many times before their current uncreative editions.  Did you know that in 1598, France adopted this as their flag?

Somebody once looked at that and said “Hey, guys, that’s not bad and all, but you know what would really make us stand out?  What if we took a rectangle, and then just painted three other rectangles inside that rectangle?  And actually, to save paint, let’s just leave one of those colors as white, so we only have to paint two rectangles.”  And the fact that somebody once said that is the single biggest reason why France went on to have bloody revolutions and civil wars around the concept of democracy: if someone votes for the current flag over that one, how can they be trusted to vote correctly on anything else?

Fortunately for us, we have many advantages over the French citizens living in 1794 who decided to adopt the current flag.  Most notably, we don’t live in 1794, and we aren’t French.  So since we’ve got both of those things going for us, it’s time to fix some flags.  “Be the change you want to see in the world”, said Gandhi, and we will do just that.  In part two of this post, you can follow one man’s brave* journey** to fix*** every**** flag*****, through a combination of sports knowledge, borderline offensive stereotypes, alcohol, stereotypes that cross the borderline part of offensiveness, and way too much free time.

*I’m not sure sitting on the couch qualifies as “brave”, but as a redhead, the word “Brave” has been associated with me ever since the Pixar movie.

**Does the trip from the couch to the table count as a journey?  Because I totally did that at some point when my wrists were getting tired from typing at weird angles.

***I’m not sure that every country on here will agree that their flag was “fixed”, but you know what’s great about changing flags for nondemocratic countries?  They don’t get a vote in the matter!

****By “every”, I mean “like 15ish.”  But hey, that’s 15 more than you did this morning.

*****When I say “flag”, I mean… actually, that’s exactly what I mean.  It’s a flag.

Part two, coming next week!

Hairy Twatter and the Prisoner of Ass-ka-bang

At happy hour today, the topic of dirty (but funny) sexual phrases came up - things like the rusty trombone, the dirty sanchez, etc.  Also, it’s the birthday week of one of the biggest Harry Potter fans I know.  How are these two things possibly related?  I’m glad you asked!

This month marks the 15th anniversary of the original publication of Harry Potter.  That means children who were 6 when they read the first Harry Potter book are now smack in the middle of their drunken college years, and could use some good immature humor based on the books they grew up with.  Well, folks, I’m nothing if not a public servant, and I aim to serve the public.  With that, I give you the many spells of Hairy Twatter and the Prisoner of Ass-ka-bang.

Alohomora
In the books: unlocks doors.
In dirty slang: an awesome pickup line that unlocks panties.

Avada Kedavra
In the books: the most unforgiveable of unforgiveables... immediately kills anyone it touches.
In dirty slang: the most unattractive of unattractives...  immediately kills all boners it touches.  We’re not just talking ugly, we’re talking hideous - yellow nails falling off the toes, breath that would make a feces-eating dog’s breath smell like fresh baked pumpkin bread by comparison, clumps of hair missing to reveal the dandruff blizzard of a scalp... the works.  Only one boner is known to have ever survived it, and that guy had some REALLY sick fetishes.

Confundo
In the books: also known as the Confundus Charm; confuses its victim to the point that they have no idea what’s going on and blindly do as they’re told.
In dirty slang: getting shitfaced.

Crucio
In the books: the torture spell.  Ouch.
In dirty slang: kick to the nuts.  Ouch.

Descendo
In the books: makes things sink
In dirty slang: a milder form of the Avada Kedavra.  Interestingly, the Confundus charm can actually cause a Descendo to become an Erecto.

Erecto
In the books: used to erect things.
In dirty slang: I mean.... c’mon... that’s just too easy.  Or should I say, too hard?

Expecto Patronum
In the books: patronus charm; requires thinking of your happiest memory, and helps you to survive when Dementors are trying to give you the kiss of death
In dirty slang: fantasizing about a really hot partner instead of the one you’re currently with.  Helps you to remain happy while Descendos are trying to give you a kiss.  Little known fact: weaker wizards with little talent can still occasionally perform the Expecto Patronum properly if they have their partner bend over and face the other way.

Fiendfyre
In the books: extremely powerful fire, seemingly with a soul of its own
In dirty slang: REVENGE OF THE GINGERS!  Finally, we’re powerful, and more importantly, we even have souls!  Of course, we’re still considered evil, and everyone hates us, and we almost brutally killed 4 main characters at the same time... but hey, can’t win ‘em all.

Imperio
In the books: one of the forbidden spells, allows you to control someone and make them do things without their will or consent.
In dirty slang: can I get a Roofie Colada...?

Incarcerous
In the books: Ties people (or animals) up with ropes.  In one memorable scene, Dolores Umbridge uses it to tie a tight rope around a centaur’s neck, nearly choking him to death in the process.
In dirty slang: Yea... remember that creepy fetish guy I mentioned in the Avada Kedavra section?  This is definitely his thing.

Also, random side note - I had to Google  “dolores umbridge centaur” to make sure I was thinking of the right spell... and discovered that the first links on that search are all about how it’s implied that Umbridge was gang raped.  Definitely did NOT pick up on that one...

Lumos
In the books: a white light comes out of the tip of the caster’s wand.
In dirty slang: a white liquid comes out of the tip of the caster’s wand.  Also known as Cumos.

Petrificus Totalus
In the books: this spell causes the victim to become incredibly stiff, so stiff that they’re unable to even move.
In dirty slang: the anti-avada-kedavra, this is a woman who is so hot that she causes the victim to become incredibly stiff, so stiff that they’re unable to even move without drawing attention to the fact that they have a giant boner.

Prior Incantato
In the books: allows you to see the last spell that was cast by a wand.
In dirty slang: unfortunately, despite every woman’ wish, there’s no real-life equivalent to be able to tell what a “wand” was up to before it got to her.

Repello
In the books: keeps muggles away from magical places, perhaps most notably the Quidditch World Cup.
In dirty slang: successfully detaching a stage 5 clinger, perhaps most notably that foreign girl you hooked up with at the World Cup


So, there you have it - the many spells of Hairy Twatter and the Prisoner of Ass-ka-bang.  If you’re itching for more, you might want to get that itch checked out.  But if you’re metaphorically itching for more, check out the new online site Twattermore, based on the successful books.

40 Days of Awesome - Days 23-27

On the last episode(s) of I Have A.D.D...

40 Days of Awesome description
Days 1-6
Days 7-14
Days 15-22



Awesome Day #23: Dinner at Evvia


No photo for Evvia, because I was way too excited about lamb chops to remember to take a picture.


Evvia is Greek for Delicious, and it lived up to the name.  Or at least that's what I assume it stands for... I tried to look this up in Google Translate, but it told me that Evvia was actually Norwegian, and that it means Euboea, which doesn't really help me at all since I have no idea what Euboea means.  Thanks a lot, Google... what a junk company, who the hell runs it?  Oh.  Right.  Never mind.  This is awkward.  Dinner was delicious, let's move along.




Awesome Day #24: Nightlife at the California Academy of Sciences

In one of the coolest museum exhibits I've ever seen, the jellyfish started out orange, then changed into yellow, then changed into purple, then changed into two humans in a rainforest.


Every Thursday night, the California Academy of Sciences has an event called Nightlife.  Nightlife is just like going to the museum any other time, except that there's a DJ, and bars scattered around the building, and there are no little kids on field trips running around... so it's basically nothing like going to the museum any other time.  The highlight of the visit was the "living roof", which got its name from the fact that it routinely comes alive and terrorizes the city of San Francisco, and also because it's covered with grass and plants.  The jellyfish seen above were also very cool; jellyfish, like many other animals, are incredibly cool as long as there's a piece of glass separating them from me.


Awesome Day #25: Chuck Series Finale



Oops... wrong Chuck.  Not that I'd tell him he's wrong to his face...


On Friday, I had the fantastic idea to have people over to watch the series finale of Chuck.  Then I realized that the only other person I know who actually watches Chuck lives on the other side of the country... and suddenly, it became clear why it was being canceled after this season.


Awesome Day #26: Dueling Birthdays

The best part about the new Galaxy Nexus is that you can take a bunch of pictures really quickly, which leads to surprised people being caught in beautiful moments like this one.


I was going to call it Dual Birthdays, but everything is cooler when dueling is involved.

Saturday was a day full of birthdays.  While Rick Ross and J. Cole didn't invite me to their birthday parties (thanks, assholes), Brendan and Lindsay did.  In the morning, I went to a random bus stop at 11:00AM as instructed, only to learn that Bus Stop is actually a bar in San Francisco.  This makes a lot more sense, as I was wondering how we were supposed to meet up if we all just went to our random local bus stops with no further instructions.

That evening, I went down to a beer garden in Redwood City called Das Biergardenagenlagenragenmagen, or some German sounding name like that.  Shockingly, it turns out that people drink beer when they're at beer gardens - who knew?  This seems like a good time to mention that due to the amount of days that seem to involve eating and drinking as the awesome activity, my brother and sister-in-law have renamed my resolution 40 Pounds of Awesome.  I'd argue, but it actually seems pretty appropriate.


Awesome Day #27: Bike Ride on Stevens Creek Trail

Those aren't clouds - that's actually the sight of my hangover drifting away as I get some fresh air.  (Behind-the-scenes rejected joke caption: it's smoke from the fire on my head.)


Sunday began with me going in to the office to get some work done, as I have a busy week ahead of me.  Wait, what?  Working on a Sunday is my awesome thing of the day?  Well, not exactly.  It turned out I was too hungover to stare at spreadsheets on my monitor, so after an hour of work - and by "work" I mean "spending 70% of my energy thinking 'I wonder if it's late enough for me to pop some more Advil', and 30% thinking about my actual work" - I gave up and went outside to get some fresh air, and figured I'd finish up work later in the afternoon when I was less hungover.  I've never biked hungover before, and wasn't quite sure what to expect... turns out it's AMAZING.  The fresh air and the wind on your face really help cure the hangover.  I wouldn't rank it quite as high as a 5-piece nuggets and a Frosty from Wendy's on my list of hangover cures, but it's up there.


Hey, remember when I used to end every column with a joke about popping collars?  That made wrapping these things up way easier because I didn't have to think of any way to end it.  This time, instead of writing an ending, I think I'll just pretend that my internet cut out in the middle of a

40 Days of Awesome - Days 15-22

...where our blog's protagonist learns it's OK to have an awesome sober day from time to time.

On the last episode(s) of I Have A.D.D...

40 Days of Awesome description
Days 1-6
Days 7-14

Awesome Day #15: True Grit

Half the eyes, double the grit.


I thought this was a documentary about southern breakfast.  Turns out I rented the wrong movie and meant to get True Grits.  Still, it was pretty good, although not quite as badass as The Expendables.  Speaking of which: The Expendables 2 trailer is out!  I'll spare you my thoughts on it, because if I were to write a 5,000 word essay describing that trailer, it would just be "FUCK YEA" 2,500 times in a row.


Awesome Day #16: Sushi Tomi

I had an awesome picture of V-Dubs making a hilariously horrible face, but she demanded I not post it.  So instead, now we're all awkwardly staring at the back of her head as she reads the sign from six inches away.


True story: in Spanish, "su" means his or her.  So, if we break down this restaurant's name - "Sushi Tomi", or "Su shi to mi", it's basically saying "his shi to mi" - a rough Japanese translation of "his shit to me."  In other words, you're allowed to just steal random food off of other people's tables, as long as you yell "HIS SHIT TO ME" when you do it.  Just trust me that this is accurate and start doing it next time you go there.


Awesome Day #17: Cirque du Soleil: Immortal

The neon lights for the little boy on his knees came on moments later.


On Thursday, the very same day that we learned Google had been ranked the #1 place to work by Fortune for the 3rd time, Google bought 10,000 tickets to the Michael Jackson themed Cirque du Soleil show, and we all got to go to a free show.  If that's not awesome enough to make it to 40 Days of Awesome, I don't know what is.  (OK, fine, I'm exaggerating - I do know what still would be... and so should you, if you watched the trailer I linked to on day 15.)

The whole show was awesome, but the clear highlight was the guy with one leg.  You know how sometimes you see a handicapped person do something, and you say "wow, that's pretty good, considering his or her massive handicap"?  For example, you might see a girl throw a football 10 yards and say "wow, that's pretty good... for a girl."  Well, this was NOTHING like that.  This guy had one leg, and he could out-dance anyone I know.  He was spinning around on crutches, making awesome leaps and landing balanced on his one leg, pulling off classic MJ moves... I'm pretty sure I actually saw him save a baby while doing a triple flip and simultaneously brokering peace in the Middle East at one point.


Awesome Day #18: Dinner at Scratch


this picture was SCRATCHED.  Get it????  (If you're ignoring the pun and thinking "he forgot to take a picture, didn't he?", then yup, you got it.)


On Friday night, I did something I've wanted to do for months: I finally ordered salmon at Scratch.  "What's so special about salmon?", you ask?  "Shut the fuck up and stop interrupting, you impatient douche", I respond.  We're getting there.

Every time I go to Scratch, I think about trying the Salmon.  Then my eyes start wandering, and like a cheater in a nightclub, I just can't contain myself - I end up going for the skank in the black dress.  And by "skank in the black dress", I mean "the ribs or the fried chicken."  I know they're wrong... but they're just so damn GOOD.  For those of you who live in the South Bay, please go try the fried chicken at Scratch if you haven't already.  If we were ranking things by the SAT analogy system, Scratch:Fried Chicken::Street Fighter 2:Video Games.  It might not quite be the Mario 3 of fried chicken, but it's pretty fucking awesome.

Anyway, I finally tried the salmon.  It was also pretty damn tasty, although I'm not sure I'll be able to resist the lure of fried chicken and ribs next time I'm there.  On the bright side, I did still manage to ruin any chance of the meal being healthy by having both bacon wrapped dates stuffed with chorizo and some pork belly as an appetizer, so that's nice.  Or something.  Let's move on.


Day 19: Boots & Wiener Schnitzel at Leopold's

We couldn't fit that much awesomeness in just one picture.


True story: up until fairly recently, I always thought wiener schnitzel was some sort of German sausage, and the only reason I can imagine that I'd think this is because of the wiener/sausage connection.  Turns out that not only does wiener schnitzel look nothing like sausage (not that any of this stops a mature young man like myself from making "you've got some wiener in your mouth" jokes), but it's also damn tasty.

Anyway, Leopold's serves beer in 2L boots.  For those of you who don't do metric - which I hope is most of you, as the only people who know metric are drug dealers, or, even worse, Europeans - 2L is about 68 ounces, or a little more than five and a half beers.  I'm fairly certain that Paige paid off our waiter before I arrived, because he gave me a stern warning about cheersing with the boot before I had even picked it up, but we still managed to have an awesome time with it.  Also, since we clearly needed more booze after consuming a boot, we immediately followed this up by a trip to Wreck Room, which was highlighted by someone panicking that they had lost their roommate while their roommate was clearly sitting at the bar no more than 15 feet away.


Day #20: Bagel from The Bagelry

This was the most pleasant picture we could get of me the next morning.  Maybe Wreck Room wasn't such a great idea after all...


You know what's really awesome?  When you drink a ton one night, then wake up the next morning feeling great and hangover-free.  Or at least, I'd imagine that feels awesome.  I certainly don't know from experience on Day 20, because I felt miserable that morning.  After eating a delicious hungover bagel from my favorite bagel place in SF, I stuck around for a little football, then went home to watch the second game from my couch.  (See Day #6 for a picture of what this looks like.  Hint: it's exactly what you expect and not worth going back to look at.)


Day #21: Beer, Sharks, and Dinner at Tied House

Don't let the name mislead you - not all games watched there end in a tie.


Sadly, that doesn't mean I ate a Shark for dinner.  Although, I guess it really wasn't that sad, because chicken fried steak is pretty delicious.


Day #22: Massage

After three full weeks of awesomeness, it was time for a different type of awesome: awesome relaxation.  I got a massage after work (in our office - did I mention I love my company?), and it was glorious.  You know what I love about massages?  That moment where they tell you time's up, and you realize you have no idea if you fell asleep or not, followed by the moment when you realize that means it's 6:30 and the cafe downstairs just opened up for dinner, followed by the moment when you realize that you also have leftover Chinese in your fridge back home so you have multiple awesome choices for dinner, followed by the moment you finish eating and start writing this blog post, followed by the moment when you have no idea how to wrap up the blog post so you just keep writing a run-on sentence and hope people will give up and stop reading it before you have to write an actual ending, followed by thinking maybe you'll just write a string of swears and suddenly cut it off, followed by SHITFUCKASSBITCHWHOREBALLSDOUCHECRAPRUSTYTROMBONE

40 Days of Awesome - Days 7-14

Eh, too lazy for an intro.  Days 7-14, here we go...


Awesome Day #7: BCS Championship at the Sports Page

We would have needed a LOT more pitchers to make that game even remotely interesting.


Hey, here's a fun drinking game: watch an LSU-Alabama game and drink every time someone scores a touchdown.  It's fun because you don't need to worry about finding a DD, since you'll be more sober than a group of nuns afterwards.

That game was horrendous.  I'd rather watch back to back episodes of the Kardashians than watch a game like that again.  Fortunately, the day was still awesome, because we abandoned the game after three quarters and got some kick-ass burritos from La Bamba.


Awesome Day #8: Taco Tuesday at Nick's Crispy Tacos

I forgot to take a picture, but here's what it looks like when Georgia and I are eating tacos at Nick's.


Ah, Nick's... far more reliable (and more delicious) than a BCS game.  Random side story: this past Halloween, I met Nick at his other restaurant, Tacko.  Not only does he make amazing tacos, he was also a fan of my Tony the Tiger costume idea.  Good peoples.


Awesome Day #9: Trivia night at St. Stephen's Green

Photo of the winning team, taken by the losing team.

We may have come in second place, but the important thing is that we beat Ansel/Ryan/Quirk/Alyssa's team by a point and a half in dramatic comeback fashion.  Also, as you can see from that picture, not only are we "wicked smaht", we're clearly the best looking team as well.

Awesome Day #10: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

The name is Blomkvist... Mikael Blomkvist.


After three days in a row at a bar, and eight out of the first nine days of awesome involving at least a little bit of drinking, it was time to do something a little different before this turned into 40 Days of Alcoholism.  Day 10 was a dinner at Google and a night at the movies.  The movie was good, but I have a few ideas that could have made it better:

1. Change Mikael Blomkvist's weapon of choice from "pen" to "pistol"
2. Change the name "Mikael" to "James"
3. Change the name "Blomkvist" to "Bond"
4. Add about 50 more explosions, 17 more fight scenes, and 3 more car chases

Also, fun fact: Rooney Mara, the star of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, is the great-granddaughter of both the founder of the Pittsburgh Steelers and the founder of the New York Giants.  So, I now have two reasons to hate her.

Awesome Day #11: Grilling dinner and margaritas

Turns out this sweatshirt is actually pretty warm when I'm not falling into a cold river in Oregon while fishing.  Who knew?


Friday night was a pretty calm one for a Friday, as I wanted to make sure I was well rested for Saturday morning.  (Look at that: foreshadowing!  Who knew this blog had literary devices?  I usually barely even feel literate when I'm writing it.)  I grilled some blackened salmon and veggies with a friend, then headed over to an apartment in Sunnyvale for a couple margaritas with a few more friends.  After some fun "would you rather..."s involving rats, I called it a night and went home to get some sleep.  Kate, on the other hand, probably still hasn't slept since we gave her some horrifying new rat images that she won't be able to get out of her head.

Awesome Day #12: 49ers-Saints game!

Still amped up two full days after the game.  This must be how drug addicts feel after popping a giant handful of speed and then being wired all weekend from it.


On Saturday, I was lucky enough to go to the 49ers-Saints game, which was basically the exact opposite of the previously mentioned LSU-Alabama game.  The game itself was incredible; when talking about it afterwards, we decided that the only two playoff games we can think of that could rival it from our lifetime are the Pats-Giants Super Bowl (with Tyree's helmet catch) and the Rams-Titans Super Bowl (when Mason came up one yard short on the last play of the game.)  Also, I may or may not have written that last sentence solely so I could bring up the Pats-Giants Super Bowl again.  Suck it, Harrigan/Lanstein/every other Pats fan I know.

Anyway: tons of scoring, close the whole time, a big upset, a few huge plays (the two Vernon Davis catches at the end will probably get the most attention, but the Alex Smith run was one of the coolest sports moments I've ever seen live)... it really had everything.  And if that's not enough, the crowd was fucking PUMPED for the entire game.  I've never seen a crowd with that level of energy from start to finish, and it got to the point where the guy behind me literally jumped out of his seat and onto my back after a couple big plays near the end of the game.  Just an absolutely unbelievable experience.

That night, still feeling a huge adrenaline rush from being at the game, my night turned into an energized drunken adventure that included sake bombing, a karaoke bar, randomly bumping into a girl I went to high school with, an apartment party for someone who leaves for flight school next week, and probably a whole lot more details that I'm forgetting.


Awesome Day #13: Pub Crawl

I'd make a joke about drinking Peruvian beers at an Irish pub, but I've been temporarily blinded by the reflection of the flash off Paul's jacket.  Give me a few minutes.

To celebrate the fact that we have MLK day off, eight of us went on a Mountain View pub crawl on Sunday night.  Stops included two Irish pubs, a Spanish place, and a dive bar, where we invented a game that was basically the equivalent of "flip a coin... if it's heads, this half of the group drinks; if it's tails, the other half of the group drinks."  Car bombs were consumed, beer pong was played, and someone woke up wearing no pants and an inside-out t-shirt.  All in all, I'd call it a successful pub crawl.



Awesome Day #14: Brunch at Rick's Cafe

Everyone looks happy but Ryan... probably because he sensed the music we were about to subject him to in the car ride home.


After eating awesome tacos at Nick's and awesome brunch at Rick's, I'm making a new life rule: any time I see a restaurant named __ick's, I'm eating there.  Although, in a city like San Francisco, I might regret this if I drive by anywhere called Dick's...

40 Days of Awesome - Days 1-6

"Let the carnage begin!"
-some old Super Nintendo game I used to play at my neighbor's house

As promised, I'm going to be blogging once a week about 40 Days of Awesome (which officially began on January 3rd), because I'm a man who keeps my promises.  Unless I forget.  Or get lazy.  Or am too hungover.  Or just don't really feel like blogging that day.  But for tonight, I'm a man who keeps his promises!  Ladies, take note.

Awesome Day 1: Homecooked meal and beer pairing

Hidden best part of this picture: the fact that my Happy Birthday balloon is still going strong with no signs of deflating, even though my birthday was last September.


Just before the new year, a store called Artisan Wine Depot opened around the corner from me.  In addition to having a good beer/wine selection and giving Ansel and Ryan instant boners because they carry Pliny the Elder, they also offer pairing advice.  After a little too much partying on New Year's weekend (shocking!), Day 1 began with some low-key awesomeness - cooking some pasta with chicken, mushroom, and tomatoes, and drinking a bottle of Schneider & Brooklyn Hopfen-Weisse at the recommendation of the... whatever you call the people in those stores.  Store clerks?  Waiters?  Wine enthusiasts?  I'm going to go with Alcoholics, because they serve alcohol, and because it's fun to say "I got some great advice from the local alcoholic on Tuesday."


Awesome Day #2: Dartmouth Pong

And yes, I was quite generous in doling out the high fives.


Sorry, Dartmouth alumni - I refuse to call it "beer pong."  That name remains reserved for beirut.  And speaking of beirut, check out how detailed the Wikipedia page for beirut is - they've got diagrams of different arcs and everything.  I love Wikipedia.
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And we're back!  Sorry, that long pause was me spending two hours looking at random Wikipedia articles when I should have been sleeping.  They should just rename it Whoreipedia, because once you look at an article, it just sucks you in, and never ever wants to stop sucking your di- I mean, sucking your time away.  I suppose the main difference is that a whore doesn't have different people asking you for a donation every 30 seconds, she just charges you up front.

Awesome Day #3: Happy hour at St. Stephen's Green

Alf got a great happy hour special: only $3.50 for an empty glass of beer!  You can see her trying to drink it here.


The great thing about awesomeness is that it creates more awesomeness.  Thursday began with a simple plan of happy hour at the local Irish pub, and somehow wound up with eating a chef's choice of 10 different types of sushi and washing it down with a bottle of sake that mysteriously appeared at our table.  When we gave the waiter who brought the sake a confused look, he just said "it's from Santa", put it on our table, and walked away.  Awesome.


Awesome Day #4: Dinner and drinks at Cascal

Useful tip: if you're at a family-style meal, try asking people to pose for a picture.  Then, while those suckers are busy posing, eat all the food.  60% of the time it works every time.


Once again: awesomeness breeds awesomeness.  After arriving at Cascal with a few friends, I ended up bumping into a few more friends, including two who I hadn't seen in months.  This led to me eating dinner and drinking sangria with one group, then hopping tables to eat the leftover meatballs and sangria at the other table.  More food + more sangria + more friends = more awesome.

Awesome Day #5: Football and pizza at Mercy House

Ladies and gentlemen: Ryan C., the world's biggest sports fan!  (As you can see from his enthusiastic response...)


Continuing the week's theme of awesomeness leading to more awesomeness, football and pizza somehow turned into a late night of several beer pong games in the garage.  I have no idea how this happened, especially given that I showed up with a 30 of light pong beer...

Awesome Day #6: Langovers and football

Yup, my Christmas tree is still up.  Get used to it, because it's staying up for at least another month.


I am hereby coining a new word: langovers.  Langovers are the leftovers you eat while hungover.  The best langovers are clearly pizza and Chinese food, although which one is better has been debated ever since the Italian Marco Polo got drunk with the Chinese on his travels and they both woke up feeling like dogshit.

Bonus awesomeness: homemade steak dinner

This tasted even better if you were too hungover to eat much all afternoon, then finally started feeling better and realized you were starving.


Day 6's awesomeness was technically the langovers and football, but given that it was 70 and sunny outside, I managed to break away from the TV just long enough to grill a steak dinner outside.  An awesome end to an awesome week.

40 Days of Awesome

“Some are born awesome, some achieve awesomeness, and some have awesomeness thrust upon them.  Oh, and some chicks are lucky enough to have my awesomeness thrusted into them at night as well.”

-William Shakespeare, famous poet and apparently a historic misogynist

When it comes to awesomeness, to quote Lady Gaga, baby I was born this way.  But why limit ourselves to only one of Shakespeare’s three options?  I may have been born awesome (since “redhead” and “awesome” are basically synonyms, I’m assuming we can all agree that I was born awesome), but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to make my life even more awesome.

Meanwhile, in New Year’s Resolutions land, most New Year’s Resolutions are more boring than a Hugh Grant movie.  Flossing teeth every day?  Boring.  Running twice a week?  Might as well pop some popcorn and set up a chair to watch the paint dry for the next three hours.  Quitting smoking?  “Quitters never win, winners never quit”… so not only are you boring, but you’re also resolving to be a loser.  And so, we’re left with a puzzling problem – how do I make a New Year’s resolution that doesn’t end with me gouging my own eyes out from boredom?

This year, I’m killing two birds with one stone, and taking a new approach to my New Year’s resolutions that will also tackle the above awesomeness question.  (Side note – why is killing two birds with one stone generally considered a good thing?  I guess it makes sense if the birds were rabid, or if we’re in a Hitchcock movie, or if my name was Chrissie B. and birds were my sworn enemy, or if I was really hungover and they were chirping loudly outside my window at 6:30AM… but in general, aren’t birds one of the better animals to have around?  If I’m doing two things at once, why can’t I “smush two spiders with one stomp”, or “kill two terrorists with one missile”, or “high five two friends with one slap”?

Anyway, I’m going to find a way to force my life to be even more awesome while giving myself a New Year’s resolution that I’m actually going to be excited about.  In addition, it’s also something that will finally get me to start blogging more, instead of just saying I’ll blog more and then ignoring it like a hot girl ignores a nerd’s emails.  And since I’ve been told that you’re more likely to stick to your goal if you tell others about it… ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my 2012 New Year’s Resolution:

40 Days of Awesome.

You can tell it’s awesome because it’s bold AND italicized, so we’re already off to a great start.  Plus, it’s got awesome right in the title... ever hear anyone say “Alexander the Great was pretty mediocre” or “you know, that Ivan the Terrible was a pretty nice guy”?  Fuck no.  And you’ll never hear anyone say “40 Days of Awesome was alright I guess”, because it says awesome right there in the title.  On a related note, if any future biographers are reading this one day, I am hereby officially naming myself Andrew the Tremendously Awesome Kickass Champion.  Please do not refer to me as anything else.

Anyway, the specifics: to kick off 2012, I will do one awesome thing every day for 40 days straight.  Why 40 days?  Plenty of reasons:

• 40 oz. bottles are awesome
• 40 is your score when you’re about to win a game in tennis, and winning is awesome
• I-40 runs all the way across the country from California to North Carolina, because 40 isn’t some sissy bitch quitter number that quits after two or three states
• 40 Oz. to Freedom is a top 3 Sublime song (sorry, “What I Got” and “Wrong Way”, but you’re overrated… the other two are Santeria and April 29, 1992), and Sublime was awesome
• “take 40 winks” means taking a nap, and naps are obviously awesome
• “39 Days of Awesome” sounded weird, and 41 days would just be overkill.

This awesome to-do list of awesome things has a wide range of awesome categories.  They include drinking awesomeness (drink a full boot at Leopold’s, drink a pint at The Black Horse, do a Caltrain pub crawl, etc.), eating awesomeness (eat brunch at Mama’s, make a pizza from scratch, eat at the Bacon Bacon Truck), athletic  awesomeness (play volleyball in Santa Cruz, bike over the Golden Gate bridge, take a yoga class), random awesomeness (Sharks and Warriors games, go to the farmer’s market at the Ferry Building, live jazz at Rasselas), more drinking awesomeness (trivia night at St. Stephen’s Green, beer flights in Half Moon Bay, day trip to Napa, sake bombing), and of course, the most awesome of awesomeness (make a spontaneous, unplanned trip to Vegas with less than 24 hours notice.)

So, what’s in it for you?  I’ll be blogging once a week to comment on the seven awesome things that happened that week.  This means if you like reading these posts, you’ll get to hear from me more often.   Hooray, you win!  And if you don’t like these posts, it means you get the pleasure of blatantly ignoring them and reporting status updates about them as inappropriate/spam in Facebook more often.  Hooray, you win too!  (And by “you win too” I mean “go fuck yourself.”)

The 40 Days of Awesomeness resolution will officially begin on Monday, 1/9.  In the meantime, if you have any awesome ideas that you think I should add to the list (or specific awesome things you’d like to join me for), feel free to reach out and let me know; my list currently has 60 things, but not all of them are quite as awesome as I’d like them to be, so I’m still open to suggestions.

Happy New Year!

10 Things I Learned in 2011

Wow, that year went by faster than... hey, look, it only took us less than one sentence to get to our first random unrelated rambling!  That has to be a new record.  Anyway, on a side note, in case you've ever had trouble wondering "how fast is this?", here's a cheat sheet of what you can compare things to, from slowest to fastest:

1. Drew Bledsoe sprinting with a broken leg
2. Me eating a meal
3. Drew Bledsoe sprinting with two healthy legs
4. How fast 15 minutes goes by when you're hungover and stuck in class
5. How fast 15 minutes goes by when you're waiting for food at a restaurant after not eating all day because you were hungover, and are just now finally feeling up to eating and realize you're starving
6. Average speed.  Boring.
7. Asian boy calculating a math problem in his head
8. Time it takes to name every player on the Pittsburgh Pirates that you've actually heard of
9. Time it takes to name every player on the Pittsburgh Pirates that you've actually heard of who you don't only know because they ended up on your fantasy baseball team (and usually that's only because your internet connection died and the auto-picker selected them)
10. Joey Chestnut eating a hot dog
11. How long you'd last in bed with Jessica Alba
12. This guy chugging a pitcher of beer

Anyway, after all that - the year went by fast.  That was the point.  Probably somewhere between a 9 and a 10 on the previous scale.  But as the year comes to a close, it's time to look back and reflect on what I've learned this year.  So without further ado, here we go - 10 things I learned in 2011.

#1: NASCAR is fucking awesome.  You'll have to excuse my language; I'd prefer not to swear, but it's just that 1) just saying "NASCAR is awesome" would be a bigger understatement than "Battlefield Earth was sort of bad", and 2) I don't really give a shit if you don't want me to swear.

I always thought NASCAR was stupid.  Drive straight, turn left, drive straight, turn left, drive straight, turn left... it's the Derek Zoolander of sports, unable to turn both ways.  This August, I went to two NASCAR races in Bristol, Tennessee... and it was probably the single best sporting event I've seen live.  While it's still true that I'd rather shoot myself in the foot with a nailgun than watch a race on TV, I've learned that I would also be willing to shoot 15 other people in the head with a nailgun if it meant I could go back to a race.  Any sport where you show up to the tailgate early Friday morning for a Saturday night race, only to find that you are are immediately mocked by everyone there for being so late to the tailgate (apparently they started on Tuesday), is a sport I can get behind.  Also, it's amazing how fun it is to watch those cars go in circles live - it's absolutely an electric atmosphere, and the excitement when the cars gun the engines at the conclusion of a caution lap is right up there with the beginning of a power play in a playoff hockey game.

#2: Marketing is a powerful thing (and isn't always honest.)  In February, Chrysler came out with a pretty awesome "Imported from Detroit" campaign that made us all briefly wish we were from Detroit.  Then we all remembered: oh yeah, it's Detroit.  I'd rather hang out in Shittsburgh.

With that being said, why aren't politicians just hiring these ad agencies that make corporate commercials?  Nike's made about 10 different commercials that give me goosebumps when I see them.  Chrysler made Detroit look cool, which falls somewhere between "making 'brussels sprouts' sound delicious to a child" and "convince a Tea Party member to change his or her mind on... well, pretty much anything" on the difficulty scale.  Even BP and the oil companies had some commercials not long after the Gulf fiasco that made them almost semi-likable.  Instead of making commercials that have a narrator preaching about Obama while we see pictures of him smiling and shaking hands in the background, what if he just hired whoever made this commercial and said "make me a campaign"?  I'm not sure how that commercial would look, but I am sure that I'd be 712% more likely to vote for Obama after seeing it.

#3: Tim Tebow is not average.  It seems the only acceptable answers to the question "what do you think of Tim Tebow?" are "HE FUCKING SUCKS, I HOPE HE DIES IN A FIRE" or "HE'S NOT JUST THE BEST QUARTERBACK EVER, HE'S THE BEST PERSON EVER, AND YOU'RE A FOOL FOR EVEN NEEDING TO ASK."  There is no middle ground.

#4: I suck at blogging regularly.  I began 2011 by writing a post on January 4th about childhood cartoons with stripper names.  I followed this up just 10 days later with a post about what different rappers eat for breakfast - good start to the year!  ...then I went almost exactly seven months before my next post, discussing my refusal to "Just Go With It", and then went four more months before finally writing this one, which is only even happening because I'm procrastinating doing dishes.  After every single one of those posts, I said to myself (and to whoever happened to be around at the time) "I always have fun writing these, I should do it more often."  Nope.  The fact that I used to crank these out once a week in college is baffling.  Hey, speaking of dishes...

#5: Politicians suck.  Everyone's always whining about politicians.  Ohhhh, they won't compromise.  Wahhhh, they're all stupid.  Boohoo, they just raised taxes because the Argentinian hooker they regularly hire with state funds demanded a bonus if she was going to give them a rusty trombone.  Blahblahblah.  None of these things were really THAT bad, were they?  But this year, I discovered that the founder of my sworn enemy, ProFlowers (the only customer support line I've ever actually started screaming at on the phone), is now a member of the House of Representatives.  Therefore, the only possible conclusion is that politicians suck.

#6: I really despise doing dishes.  I started cooking a bit more this year.  I actually enjoy cooking.  Unfortunately, I often end up avoiding it, just because I detest doing dishes more than Hitler detested juice.  I never really understood why Hitler hates juice, but that's what I learned in school - apparently he started a war trying to eliminate it and everything.  Guy had some passionate taste buds I guess.  On a related note, I also never understood why Jimi Hendrix kept asking to be excused so he could kiss some guy, when he was in the middle of singing a song.  Seems like he'd want to finish the song before he made out with a dude on stage.  Anyway, dishes suck.

#7: The saying "you are what you eat" is bullshit.  I've always jumped like a typical white boy.  This year, I ate kangaroo.  Thought I'd jump like one afterwards.  Turns out I still can't jump over a quarter.

#8: Top ten lists are played out.  Eight is the new ten.  PEACE