So, this is my first post-college column. I now have absolutely no requirements, since I’m not actually working for a newspaper in any way anymore, which means I can randomly type things like “pooooop” for no reason at all. Anyway, I would have put this online earlier, as I wrote it 10 days ago, but due to an apartment-hunting trip on the west coast, I just didn’t have the chance until now.
Anyway, for those of you who didn’t know/watch – a group also known as “the people I am no longer friends with because they can’t appreciate events of true greatness” – the annual Nathan’s hot dog eating contest occurred on the 4th of July. I was on the scene to report, except by “the scene” I mean “my couch.” And yes, I’m still pissed that they haven’t started showing eating contests in HDTV yet… if being able to watch the crumbs dribble down a fat guy’s chin as he shoves gross amounts of food into his face isn’t a good reason for a broadcast to be in HD, I don’t know what is. Although, on a related note, a Hooters Girl special was recently shown in HD, so it’s not a complete loss. Anyway, thoughts on the contest:
After watching the end of Venus Williams vs. Maria Sharapova beforehand, I’ve realized why I like watching competitive eating: with all that food being shoved in their mouths, the competitors (no, I won’t call them “athletes”, no matter how hard ESPN tries) aren’t able to groan as if they’re dying every time they do something.
Only in competitive eating do you hear phrases like “Can the Great American Hope bring the Mustard Belt back to the
ESPN has just informed us that over a 12 minute time period, eating 59.5 hot dogs would mean consuming over 11,000 calories, having to run on a treadmill for 18 straight hours to burn it off, and lining the hot dogs up end to end would be the same length as a school bus.
The first commercial during the hot dog contest is for… Heinz Ketchup. Fitting. I wonder if this means the first commercial after the contest is for a drug that makes you stop puking?
I know, I know, I say it every year, but I still can’t get the thought out of my head… what’s it like to shit out 50+ hot dogs? I mean, if you eat them all within 12 minutes, they’re all gonna come out in the same shit, aren’t they? Maybe the last commercial should be for Drain-O instead.
Only in competitive eating… is a wisdom tooth problem a dynasty-ending injury. You know what’s funny? Imagine Michael Jordan circa 1995, holding a press conference to say that he may have to retire after having wisdom tooth complications.
Now, I’m as big a fan of competitive eating as anyone I’ve met… but why do people want to watch from what appears to be about a quarter-mile away from the stage? Can you even see what’s happening from there?
Patrick Bertoletti wears headphones during the competition, which begs the question… what’s he listening to? Eye of the Tiger? Heart of a Champion? These are both good choices, but during the hot dog contest, I think there’s really only one option: “Do You Like Meat?”, by William Janiak.
After observing Sonya Thomas, I’ve made an important life decision: if I ever meet a 100 pound chick who can eat 30+ hot dogs, I’m marrying her on the spot. End of discussion.
Only in competitive eating… do they advertise that the Rock Paper Scissors national championship is coming up this Saturday. And yes, if I wasn’t in
UPDATE: I actually ended up taking a break from my apartment-search to watch it in my hotel room in
Ah, the Introductions… here we go! These should be fun. Descriptions of the competitors include: “zucchini specialist”, “he has unnaturally long incisors”, “The world’s fried bread eating champion”, “he specializes in eating-meat-on-the-bone competitions”, “the chili, spam, and birthday cake eating champion of the world”, “has eaten 10% of her body weight in cheesecake”, and last but definitely not least, “the #1 ranked eater in the world”… if I ever own any of these titles, I’ll consider my life an amazing success. Well, except for the incisor one. That just means I got bitten by a vampire.
Some guy named Bob is a vegetarian who only eats meat during competitions. I’ve heard a lot of weird shit in my life, but that’s gotta crack the top three, right up there with “a rapper who spells his name with a dollar sign and raps about killing people is taking a break to be a priest for a while” and the plot of any episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
The announcer, on Patrick Bertoletti: “He ate 46 hot dogs, that’s 2 for every day Paris Hilton spent in jail”… classic.
Text message from my friend Rachel, just a few seconds before the start: “It’s kind of awkward that they have to sit next to each other. Then again, you can’t heckle with a mouth full of hot dog.”
HERE WE GO! Holy crap they’re fast… Joey Chestnut ate 11 hot dogs in the first minute. The difference between watching Chestnut and Kobayashi is wild: Chestnut appears to be wildly out of control and about to seizure, vomit, spontaneously combust, and smack everybody around him in the face all at the same time, while Kobayashi looks completely in control. At the same time, Cheestnut’s insane-moth-near-a-lightbulb strategy seems to be working well, as he’s eaten an absurd 28 hot dogs in the first 3 minutes, while Kobayashi was only at 23.
4 minutes in… Chestnut: 35, Kobayashi: 29. Meanwhile, Bertoletti quietly has 26.
5 minutes in… Chesnut: 39, Kobayashi: 35, Bertoletti: 30, Simpson/Janus: 22,
Kobayashi coming back! At the halfway 6-minute mark, it’s Chestnut: 43, Kobayashi: 41.
Sorry for the lack of jokes in here… I’m absolutely fascinated and speechless as the competition moves on.
More Hilton comments: Pat Bertoletti dedicated this contest to Nikki Hilton, saying she lives in the shadow of
2 minutes left!!!!... Chesnut: 57, Kobayashi: 57! They’ve both already broken the Nathan’s record.
Kobayashi makes the pass with just under a minute left! But then Chesnut makes another pass! I can’t type, I have to watch.
OK, that was… wow. Kobayashi appears to have maybe puked in the final seconds of the competition and caught it in his hands… or maybe he didn’t. The judges are reviewing the tape, because unlike the idiots in baseball, a real sport like competitive eating understands the value of instant replay. Either way, I still have no idea who ate more hot dogs, although I just got a phone call from my friend John shouting “U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”
Joey Chestnut: A True American Hero
Unofficial results… Joey Chesnut: 66, Takeru Kobayashi: 63, Patrick Bertoimnotrelevant: 49… but Judges are still reviewing.
Aaaaand now it’s official. Joey Chesnut: 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes… or a pace of about one hot dog every nine seconds. Final official tally… Chesnut: 66, Kobayashi: 63,
On a random side note... I'm gonna start writing these things again - not really sure how often, and probably not on a weekly basis like before, but just whenever I have something to write about, cause I enjoy it. As always, comments and feedback are welcome, as are suggestions on topics to write about - either leave them in the comments here or email meyercolumn@gmail.com. Who knows, maybe I'll even finally put 2nd semester's columns online. Hope you're all having a good summer.
