40 Days of Awesome

“Some are born awesome, some achieve awesomeness, and some have awesomeness thrust upon them.  Oh, and some chicks are lucky enough to have my awesomeness thrusted into them at night as well.”

-William Shakespeare, famous poet and apparently a historic misogynist

When it comes to awesomeness, to quote Lady Gaga, baby I was born this way.  But why limit ourselves to only one of Shakespeare’s three options?  I may have been born awesome (since “redhead” and “awesome” are basically synonyms, I’m assuming we can all agree that I was born awesome), but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try to make my life even more awesome.

Meanwhile, in New Year’s Resolutions land, most New Year’s Resolutions are more boring than a Hugh Grant movie.  Flossing teeth every day?  Boring.  Running twice a week?  Might as well pop some popcorn and set up a chair to watch the paint dry for the next three hours.  Quitting smoking?  “Quitters never win, winners never quit”… so not only are you boring, but you’re also resolving to be a loser.  And so, we’re left with a puzzling problem – how do I make a New Year’s resolution that doesn’t end with me gouging my own eyes out from boredom?

This year, I’m killing two birds with one stone, and taking a new approach to my New Year’s resolutions that will also tackle the above awesomeness question.  (Side note – why is killing two birds with one stone generally considered a good thing?  I guess it makes sense if the birds were rabid, or if we’re in a Hitchcock movie, or if my name was Chrissie B. and birds were my sworn enemy, or if I was really hungover and they were chirping loudly outside my window at 6:30AM… but in general, aren’t birds one of the better animals to have around?  If I’m doing two things at once, why can’t I “smush two spiders with one stomp”, or “kill two terrorists with one missile”, or “high five two friends with one slap”?

Anyway, I’m going to find a way to force my life to be even more awesome while giving myself a New Year’s resolution that I’m actually going to be excited about.  In addition, it’s also something that will finally get me to start blogging more, instead of just saying I’ll blog more and then ignoring it like a hot girl ignores a nerd’s emails.  And since I’ve been told that you’re more likely to stick to your goal if you tell others about it… ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, my 2012 New Year’s Resolution:

40 Days of Awesome.

You can tell it’s awesome because it’s bold AND italicized, so we’re already off to a great start.  Plus, it’s got awesome right in the title... ever hear anyone say “Alexander the Great was pretty mediocre” or “you know, that Ivan the Terrible was a pretty nice guy”?  Fuck no.  And you’ll never hear anyone say “40 Days of Awesome was alright I guess”, because it says awesome right there in the title.  On a related note, if any future biographers are reading this one day, I am hereby officially naming myself Andrew the Tremendously Awesome Kickass Champion.  Please do not refer to me as anything else.

Anyway, the specifics: to kick off 2012, I will do one awesome thing every day for 40 days straight.  Why 40 days?  Plenty of reasons:

• 40 oz. bottles are awesome
• 40 is your score when you’re about to win a game in tennis, and winning is awesome
• I-40 runs all the way across the country from California to North Carolina, because 40 isn’t some sissy bitch quitter number that quits after two or three states
• 40 Oz. to Freedom is a top 3 Sublime song (sorry, “What I Got” and “Wrong Way”, but you’re overrated… the other two are Santeria and April 29, 1992), and Sublime was awesome
• “take 40 winks” means taking a nap, and naps are obviously awesome
• “39 Days of Awesome” sounded weird, and 41 days would just be overkill.

This awesome to-do list of awesome things has a wide range of awesome categories.  They include drinking awesomeness (drink a full boot at Leopold’s, drink a pint at The Black Horse, do a Caltrain pub crawl, etc.), eating awesomeness (eat brunch at Mama’s, make a pizza from scratch, eat at the Bacon Bacon Truck), athletic  awesomeness (play volleyball in Santa Cruz, bike over the Golden Gate bridge, take a yoga class), random awesomeness (Sharks and Warriors games, go to the farmer’s market at the Ferry Building, live jazz at Rasselas), more drinking awesomeness (trivia night at St. Stephen’s Green, beer flights in Half Moon Bay, day trip to Napa, sake bombing), and of course, the most awesome of awesomeness (make a spontaneous, unplanned trip to Vegas with less than 24 hours notice.)

So, what’s in it for you?  I’ll be blogging once a week to comment on the seven awesome things that happened that week.  This means if you like reading these posts, you’ll get to hear from me more often.   Hooray, you win!  And if you don’t like these posts, it means you get the pleasure of blatantly ignoring them and reporting status updates about them as inappropriate/spam in Facebook more often.  Hooray, you win too!  (And by “you win too” I mean “go fuck yourself.”)

The 40 Days of Awesomeness resolution will officially begin on Monday, 1/9.  In the meantime, if you have any awesome ideas that you think I should add to the list (or specific awesome things you’d like to join me for), feel free to reach out and let me know; my list currently has 60 things, but not all of them are quite as awesome as I’d like them to be, so I’m still open to suggestions.

Happy New Year!

10 Things I Learned in 2011

Wow, that year went by faster than... hey, look, it only took us less than one sentence to get to our first random unrelated rambling!  That has to be a new record.  Anyway, on a side note, in case you've ever had trouble wondering "how fast is this?", here's a cheat sheet of what you can compare things to, from slowest to fastest:

1. Drew Bledsoe sprinting with a broken leg
2. Me eating a meal
3. Drew Bledsoe sprinting with two healthy legs
4. How fast 15 minutes goes by when you're hungover and stuck in class
5. How fast 15 minutes goes by when you're waiting for food at a restaurant after not eating all day because you were hungover, and are just now finally feeling up to eating and realize you're starving
6. Average speed.  Boring.
7. Asian boy calculating a math problem in his head
8. Time it takes to name every player on the Pittsburgh Pirates that you've actually heard of
9. Time it takes to name every player on the Pittsburgh Pirates that you've actually heard of who you don't only know because they ended up on your fantasy baseball team (and usually that's only because your internet connection died and the auto-picker selected them)
10. Joey Chestnut eating a hot dog
11. How long you'd last in bed with Jessica Alba
12. This guy chugging a pitcher of beer

Anyway, after all that - the year went by fast.  That was the point.  Probably somewhere between a 9 and a 10 on the previous scale.  But as the year comes to a close, it's time to look back and reflect on what I've learned this year.  So without further ado, here we go - 10 things I learned in 2011.

#1: NASCAR is fucking awesome.  You'll have to excuse my language; I'd prefer not to swear, but it's just that 1) just saying "NASCAR is awesome" would be a bigger understatement than "Battlefield Earth was sort of bad", and 2) I don't really give a shit if you don't want me to swear.

I always thought NASCAR was stupid.  Drive straight, turn left, drive straight, turn left, drive straight, turn left... it's the Derek Zoolander of sports, unable to turn both ways.  This August, I went to two NASCAR races in Bristol, Tennessee... and it was probably the single best sporting event I've seen live.  While it's still true that I'd rather shoot myself in the foot with a nailgun than watch a race on TV, I've learned that I would also be willing to shoot 15 other people in the head with a nailgun if it meant I could go back to a race.  Any sport where you show up to the tailgate early Friday morning for a Saturday night race, only to find that you are are immediately mocked by everyone there for being so late to the tailgate (apparently they started on Tuesday), is a sport I can get behind.  Also, it's amazing how fun it is to watch those cars go in circles live - it's absolutely an electric atmosphere, and the excitement when the cars gun the engines at the conclusion of a caution lap is right up there with the beginning of a power play in a playoff hockey game.

#2: Marketing is a powerful thing (and isn't always honest.)  In February, Chrysler came out with a pretty awesome "Imported from Detroit" campaign that made us all briefly wish we were from Detroit.  Then we all remembered: oh yeah, it's Detroit.  I'd rather hang out in Shittsburgh.

With that being said, why aren't politicians just hiring these ad agencies that make corporate commercials?  Nike's made about 10 different commercials that give me goosebumps when I see them.  Chrysler made Detroit look cool, which falls somewhere between "making 'brussels sprouts' sound delicious to a child" and "convince a Tea Party member to change his or her mind on... well, pretty much anything" on the difficulty scale.  Even BP and the oil companies had some commercials not long after the Gulf fiasco that made them almost semi-likable.  Instead of making commercials that have a narrator preaching about Obama while we see pictures of him smiling and shaking hands in the background, what if he just hired whoever made this commercial and said "make me a campaign"?  I'm not sure how that commercial would look, but I am sure that I'd be 712% more likely to vote for Obama after seeing it.

#3: Tim Tebow is not average.  It seems the only acceptable answers to the question "what do you think of Tim Tebow?" are "HE FUCKING SUCKS, I HOPE HE DIES IN A FIRE" or "HE'S NOT JUST THE BEST QUARTERBACK EVER, HE'S THE BEST PERSON EVER, AND YOU'RE A FOOL FOR EVEN NEEDING TO ASK."  There is no middle ground.

#4: I suck at blogging regularly.  I began 2011 by writing a post on January 4th about childhood cartoons with stripper names.  I followed this up just 10 days later with a post about what different rappers eat for breakfast - good start to the year!  ...then I went almost exactly seven months before my next post, discussing my refusal to "Just Go With It", and then went four more months before finally writing this one, which is only even happening because I'm procrastinating doing dishes.  After every single one of those posts, I said to myself (and to whoever happened to be around at the time) "I always have fun writing these, I should do it more often."  Nope.  The fact that I used to crank these out once a week in college is baffling.  Hey, speaking of dishes...

#5: Politicians suck.  Everyone's always whining about politicians.  Ohhhh, they won't compromise.  Wahhhh, they're all stupid.  Boohoo, they just raised taxes because the Argentinian hooker they regularly hire with state funds demanded a bonus if she was going to give them a rusty trombone.  Blahblahblah.  None of these things were really THAT bad, were they?  But this year, I discovered that the founder of my sworn enemy, ProFlowers (the only customer support line I've ever actually started screaming at on the phone), is now a member of the House of Representatives.  Therefore, the only possible conclusion is that politicians suck.

#6: I really despise doing dishes.  I started cooking a bit more this year.  I actually enjoy cooking.  Unfortunately, I often end up avoiding it, just because I detest doing dishes more than Hitler detested juice.  I never really understood why Hitler hates juice, but that's what I learned in school - apparently he started a war trying to eliminate it and everything.  Guy had some passionate taste buds I guess.  On a related note, I also never understood why Jimi Hendrix kept asking to be excused so he could kiss some guy, when he was in the middle of singing a song.  Seems like he'd want to finish the song before he made out with a dude on stage.  Anyway, dishes suck.

#7: The saying "you are what you eat" is bullshit.  I've always jumped like a typical white boy.  This year, I ate kangaroo.  Thought I'd jump like one afterwards.  Turns out I still can't jump over a quarter.

#8: Top ten lists are played out.  Eight is the new ten.  PEACE

I will not "just go with it."

                As I write this, I am on my way to Hawaii for the 3^rd time ever.  Earlier this flight, I saw a movie that was filmed during my 2^nd trip to Hawaii, which is kind of like eating your 3^rd cheeseburger while you’re sitting on the toilet crapping out your 2^nd cheeseburger.  And believe me, that analogy is quite appropriate, because this movie was crap.  Just Go With It stars Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, and Brooklyn Decker.  Unfortunately, it does not star Plot Development.

                Before I get into things that would have made this movie better, allow me to give you a quick summary of the plot, for those who haven’t seen it.  Adam Sandler is a rich plastic surgeon who meets Brooklyn Decker at a party and bangs her on the beach that night.  A few days later, they go on a date, and decide to go to Hawaii together in what appears to be the same week.  While in Hawaii, they decide to get married (keep in mind, we’re still within a month of them meeting each other, but hey, it’s cool, because what man could resist Brooklyn Decker’s huge….. heart?)  Right before getting married, Adam realizes he’s actually in love with his assistant, Jennifer Aniston, so he apparently ditches Brooklyn and leaves her to be eaten by the raptors.  (We’re never told if he talked to her, if he just walked out, if she slapped him, if they ran opposite ways after a raptor attack and he never went back to check on her, or what, so I’m assuming it’s the raptor attack.)

Counterpoint from Paul: “it makes perfect sense for Adam Sandler to bring Brooklyn Decker to Hawaii after a week… but why the hell would Brooklyn Decker want to go to Hawaii with Adam Sandler after just meeting him?”  Fair point, and an impressively smart one for someone dumb enough to be a Redskins fan AND a Nats fan.  Speaking of Redskins fans, I’m really glad that if I have to sit next to one on an airplane, it’s Paul, and not my friend Dev “I’ve been ‘randomly’ selected for extra screening by security on every flight for the past 10 years” Sethi, because my plane definitely would have blown up by now if Dev was on it.  ….I mean, uh, because I wouldn’t have much elbow room.

                Anyway, in the spirit of the name of the movie, I have decided it’s not always best to just go with it.  For example, who takes a girl to Hawaii the same week they met her?  Who gets married later that trip?  Who just goes ahead and accepts the PG-13 rating when this movie could have been rated R so we could check out Brooklyn Decker’s rack?  I cannot just go with these things, and with that in mind, here are 10 things that would have made Just Go With It a better movie.

1) It should have been directed by Michael Bay.  Hawaii is an amazing place.  You know what’s even more amazing than regular Hawaii?  A HAWAII FULL OF GIANT ROBOTS BLOWING SHIT UP WHILE WILL SMITH SPEEDS AWAY FROM BAD GUYS WHO ARE TRYING TO SHOOT HIM AS SEAN CONNERY IS STOPPING HONOLULU FROM BEING DESTROYED BY CHEMICAL WEAPONS.

Now THAT'S a romantic comedy I'd pay to see.

2) It should have been written by someone else.  I have no idea who wrote this, but someone else would have been a better choice.  Judd Apatow?  Woody Allen?  That random friendly bum outside Nick’s Crispy Tacos who said “Good day, Red!” when I walked by him earlier this week?  All better choices.

3) Stop with the “I had no idea that girl was hot until I saw her in a bikini!” gag.  We’re really supposed to believe that Adam Sandler worked in the same room as Jennifer Aniston for years without ever noticing she was hot, and then all of the sudden noticed “hey, she’s actually fairly attractive” when they were in Hawaii?  His role in the movie is a lying womanizer who sleeps with anyone he can.  Isn’t that the same guy who would say “hey, check out the new chick in the office, I’d like to give HER the 3-hole punch” and high five the guy sitting next to him?

(rejected euphemisms for "banging" in the above joke: “I’d like to staple HER TPS report”, “I’d like to lay HER down on the photocopy machine”, “I’d like to have some 1 on 1 time with her”, “I bet she likes to have all-hands on her”, “do you think my cock would exceed her expectations?”, and “I’d like to stick my penis in her vagina.”)

4) Add in more talking animals.  Just kidding.  Zookeeper looks horrible.

5) Less soul patch guy jokes.  This won’t make sense if you haven’t seen the movie (and if you have, I’m sorry), but seriously, that was way too many jokes about it.  Thanks for joining us on this week’s episode of Inside Joke Theater!

6) Give Dolph Lundgren a cameo.  There’s a character in the movie that pretends his name is Dolph Lundgren, but he’s not THAT Dolph Lundgren.  Somehow, Andy Roddick gets a cameo at the end, but Dolph Lundgren never did.  Isn’t every movie better with Dolph Lundgren in it?  Everyone agrees Rocky 4 was the best Rocky movie.  Everyone agrees The Expendables was the best movie in general, period.  Why can’t Dolph have a cameo?

Also, this seems like a perfectly good place to mention that I stand by my observation from several years ago that Roddick’s name is basically just cock twice… rod-dick.  I will continue calling him Andy Phallusphallus.  But hey, good for Brooklyn Decker – why settle for one cock when you can have double?  One more and she really could get 3-hole-punched.

7) Speaking of cameos, let’s get more tennis players in there.  The Roddick cameo was clever, and one of the more fun parts of the movie.  Why stop with just him?  Give Nadal a role as the buff surf instructor – his Capri pants are basically just long boardshorts.  Throw Taylor Dent in the background demolishing a buffet while balancing three plates.  Throw in a drunk party scene and let Sharapova and Ivanovic be the two hot girls making out.  Hell, if you don’t want to give Dolph a cameo, at least cast John Isner as the tall guy whose head is off screen pretending to be Dolph Lundren.

8) Give Brooklyn Decker’s role to Angelina Jolie.  A movie where Jennifer Aniston steal’s Angelina Jolie’s fiancée... every woman in America would pay to see that.  Twice.  Hell, they'd probably buy two copies of the DVD.  After all, we're talking about a gender that feels a need to own 72 pairs of shoes... you telling me they wouldn't buy two copies of the same DVD?

9) Replace Hawaii with a golf course and change the plot to “hockey player finds out he can drive a golf ball 400 yards.”  Seriously, Happy Gilmore was awesome.

10) Seriously, make it rated R and show us Brooklyn Decker’s boobs.  “Hey, that’s sexist!  You’re such a pig!”  Hey, you know what?  Halle Berry won an Oscar for showing her boobs.  Maybe you should stop assuming I’m a pig, and start appreciating me for the sophisticated critical eye for film that I have.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go watch giant robots fuck each other up while destroying famous cities in Transformers 3.


This post was co-authored by Paul.

What do rappers eat for breakfast?

I’ve always wondered what would happen if you were to show up at The Source awards, where all the rappers are trying to outdo each other in the macho badass department, and start asking them questions like “if you were a girl, which barbie would you play with the most?” or “what’s your favorite tampon brand?” Or, if I wanted to try to ask a random question without getting shot afterwards, maybe I’d ask something like “what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”

OK, fine, so I didn’t always wonder that. I just decided to write about it because writing more is one of my New Year’s Resolutions, and I couldn’t think of anything to write about. Sue me.

With that in mind... Mr. Rapper, what do you eat for breakfast every morning?

Snoop: 2 scrambizzled eggizzles and a glizzle of OJ with champizzle. Fo’ shizzle.

(Side Note: assuming Snoop types his raps in a word processor, there’s more words being highlighted than there are in a 9 year old’s first reading assignment after discovering highlighters.)

50 cent: EAT PROTEIN SHAKES OR DIE TRYIN’

Eminem: A lot of people ask me.... stupid fucking questions. But this one takes the cake.

(walks away)

T-Pain: Yo, what’s this weird boring looking microphone you got here... I don’t understand, where’s the auto-tune feature?

Jay-Z: Ha-ha... I’m glad you asked that, because-

DJ Clue: DJ CLUE! THE PROFESSIONAL! DJ CLUE! EXCLUSIVE! DJ CLUE!

Jay-Z: C’mon, man... we did like 2 songs together 9 years ago. Are you really still not done interrupting me y-

DJ Clue: DJ CLUE! NEW SHIT! DJ CLUE! IN STORES NOW!

Jay-Z: Whatev-

DJ Clue: DJ CLUE!

Redman: Breakfast? What the fuck is breakfast? Oh, that must be that shit people are rambling about when I’m going to bed at 11am. Also, has anyone seen Meth?

Unclear mumbling coming from the middle of a giant smoke cloud: Yoo... Red whr da bchthz at I gtta gjiaogap aegen son

Fat Joe: 4 scrambled eggs, 6 pieces of bacon, 3 sausage links, 12 bowls of oatmeal, 7 croissants, a few watermelons, 2 bowls of cocoa puffs, and a partridge in a pear tree. Then I wash it down with one glass each of skim milk, 1% milk, 2% milk, whole milk, chocolate milk, lactose-free milk, spoiled milk, and melted milk duds.

Wiz Khalifa: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...

Me: So... what exactly is that? Blackberries and a banana?

Wiz Khalifa: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...

Me: Yea, I’m just gonna go with blackberries and a banana.

Lil’ Jon: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?

Me: I said, what do you eat for breakfast?

Lil’ Jon: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?

Me: I SAID, WHAT DO YOU EAT FOR BREAKFAST??

Lil’ Jon: Oh, thank you for clarifying, my good man. I beg your pardon, I was struck with a rather abrupt case of unilateral hearing impairment at the turn of the century, and couldn’t quite comprehend your inquiry. Now, given the opportunity to select one comestible for the meal which is antecedent (and, according to many nutritionists, champion to) all others, I’m not certain I could - you see, variety is the spice of life, and in that sense, I like my spices spicy, if you know what I mean, good sir. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THROW YOUR FUCKIN BOTTLES UP!!!!

Lil’ Wayne: (I was unable to acquire a personal interview with Lil’ Wayne, but he did manage to somehow turn up and get a few words in on 82% of all other people’s answers. I'm also unsure whether he acutally eats food, since he is not a human being.)

Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony: Wake up, wake up, wake up, it’s the first of da month, andthenwegottaeatsomebreakfastsowestartthatshitoutwithscramblingsomeeggsthen

(Unfortunately, at this point, I was unable to take notes fast enough to write down the rest of their response.)

DMX: Don’t do that shit. Breakfast is for pussies. I’m way too fucking hard for it. ARF ARF WHERE MY DOGS AT

Dr. Dre: Shit, I been eatin’ breakfast since you were still suckin’ on yo mama’s tits, and don’t listen to dem haters, ain’t a damn thing changed: we still smokin’ that salmon.

Wu-Tang: Pork sausage links ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit.

Girl Talk: (Girl Talk’s answer was actually just “I like to eat my eggs over easy”, but he recruited 10 different people and had each one rap a different syllable of the sentence. Somehow, it was pulled off in absolutely perfect rhythm as the Grease soundtrack played in the background, and it was definitely cooler than Mike Posner.)

Ja Rule: Holla holla, all my bitches is ready to get, challah challah

Random bystander: Holy shit, Ja Rule is still alive? I just assumed he died 8 years ago.

Ja Rule: Fuck that, who’s dead now? (12th, 13th, and 14th gunshots of this year’s Source awards occur) IT’S MURDAAAAAAAAAA

Kanye West: Yo man, I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but lunch is one of the greatest meals of all time. Of all time!

Pitbull: I don’t believe in eating just one thing. I prefer to tell it it’s the only one, then cheat on it with 17 other breakfasts. CALLE OCHO, VAMONOS

Ludacris: I pack more nuts than Delta airlines.

(Sadly, Ludacris walked away to go have sex with 6 girls and pound crown and cokes before I could get him to clarify what exactly this meant for his breakfast.)

Master P: Make ‘em say TOOOOOOOOOOOOAST, and ba-na-nas

Nas: All I need is one Mike... and Ike.

Me: You eat candy for breakfast?

Nas: Breakfast is dead.

Me: That doesn’t even make sense.

Nas: If I ruled the world, (imagine that), I’d eat scrambled eggs

Nelly: Gotta get some a dem country style biscuits to go wit my country grammar, know what I’m sayin’? Now, a question for you: have you seen Garth Brooks? I gotta go sing some more sick slow duets. And why the hell y’all questionin’ my street cred lately?

T.I.: Prison grub.

Outkast: I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, OOOO, I am for reeeeal, never meant to burn your home fries, I apologize a trillion times.

Diddy: I pack more nuts than Delta airlines.

Me: Uh... I’m pretty sure Ludacris already had that exact same response.

Diddy: Yea, but this time, it’s the remix. I can’t wait to get to the studio and throw some sick 70’s music in the background while I say that.

Sean Paul: Ya mon, I be a tep haw hiah gonweh pina pan ALL DAY LONG, she eeya mah zoo baare con ellaleo nayin’ TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN

(Despite asking several nearby translators, nobody could understand more than 10% of what Sean Paul was saying.)

Young Jeezy: Inside fish sticks, outside tartar sauce. Pocket full of celery, imagine what she tellin’ me. Blowin’ on asparagus, realest shit I ever smoked. Ridin’ to that Trap or Die, realest shit I ever wrote. They know I got that broccoli, so I keep that glock on me.

Me: So... you eat fish sticks, tartar sauce, celery, asparagus, and broccoli for breakfast?

Young Jeezy: What? Sorry, didn’t hear your question. I was just singing Put On.

Side note: best part of that last video? The fact that they censor "broccoli" and "asparagus" in the clean version. Proving, as we always suspected, that vegetables are bad news.

What if our favorite childhood cartoons grew up to become strippers?

I have a friend named Ryan who works with porn advertisers for a living. Surprisingly, this post was actually inspired by my OTHER friend Ryan, who lives back on the east coast and does nothing with porn. Well, at least nothing professional.

Whether or not you actually enjoy porn itself, everyone enjoys a good porn spoof's title. Whether it's "Lord of the G-Strings", "Shaving Ryan's Privates", or "The Sexorcist", porn titles never fail to amuse. With that in mind, my friend Ryan and I recently began to wonder: what if all the childhood cartoons we loved growing up had major daddy issues, developed coke problems, and eventually entered the porn business upon turning 18 years old? What would their porn names have been? Certainly, we can say that Garfield would have just grown up to be Candy or Porsche or Destiny, because Garfield would have been too lazy to come up with a clever name. But what about the others?

After many hours spent diligently and quietly studying in the library - or after about 30 minutes of immature instant messages and giggling, since the blizzard made the roads too messy to get to the library - we were able to create the following list.

Tiny Poon Adventures

Teenage Nubile Ninja Turtles

The Powermuff Girls

Sploogebob Squarepants

Fucktales (WOO-oo!)

Darkwang Fuck (the interracial spin-off of Fucktales)

Chip and Dale Rescue Anal

Boobie Toons

Inspect-her with Gadgets

Analmaniacs

Muffrats

Who Came in Roger Rabbit?

G.I. Hoes

Woody Woodpecker (needs no alteration)

Alvin and the Dickspunks

Betty Boob

Count Fuckula

Aaahh!!! Rear Monsters

Bonkher’s

Daffy Fuck

The Cummy Bears

Nutbusters (watch out, here comes the ectoplasm!)

Muff-it Babies

The Mighty Fucks: The Animated Series

Poopeye

The Pink Part-of-her

Rocko’s Modern Wife (she’s really into wife-swapping, apparently)

Winning the Poop

Dexter’s Labiatory

Cocky & Bulwinkle

Casper the Horny Ghost

The Little Spermaid

Booburama

seX-men

...and of course, when you're ready to move on from your adolescent cartoons to your teenage vampire flicks, you can always throw Thighlight and Thighlight 2: New Poon into your Netflix queue.

Feel free to throw your own ideas in the comments. Props to Ryan for coming up with a bunch of these.