And the State of the Union is... Connecticut!

Just kidding, of course. It was actually Nebraska.

The first newspaper of the semester isn’t until next week, but thought I’d start up a week early and share some random thoughts from this year’s State of the Union address. Looking back, I should have claimed my vacation was a retirement – I could be retiring and unretiring four times a year, leaving me just three short of calling myself Jay-Z. Anyway, on to the speech (but before that, I should probably mention: all the quotes in this are real, although there's a chance I screwed up a word here or there, since I was writing it to the live broadcast, not a tape I could go back and check. I knew I should have gotten TiVo Anyway...)

I haven’t seen this much clapping given out since the STD-infested guy jumped in on an orgy.

Congress would be more exciting if it had a sports audience. Specifically, it needs the two or three random shirtless drunk guys to yell sarcastic comments and start random chants in the middle of the speech. For example: “I’ve been told by our secretary of defense that…” “DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!” And you know there would be no shortage of clapping between those de-fense chants.

“Ladies and gentlemen… blah blah blah… I have the high honor of being able to begin this speech with these words: Madam Speaker…” That’s great and all, George, except that by saying those couple sentences BEFORE you said Madam Speaker, you didn’t actually begin with those words.

“I congratulate the democratic majority… and I would like to reward them with this gift: a free hunting trip with Dick Cheney. Thank you.” (Cheney begins shooting applauders) Ok, so maybe he didn’t say that last part, but you know he was thinking it.

We have a shortage of gas. We also have an immigration problem. Why not embrace the immigrants, and make them all bring food as they cross the border? After all, very few things increase gas production like Mexican food.

“Our citizens don’t much care what side of the aisle we sit on”… as long as the aisle is walked by a man and a woman. IT’S SACRED, DAMN IT.

“Unemployment is low… inflation is low…” my ratings are low… hmmm… maybe I should try increasing unemployment and inflation?

“Everyone in this chamber knows this to be true… yet somehow, we have not found it within ourselves to act.” Wait… back up a second… did you just say Congress failed to act? Congress, the body of government that is always being so proactive and never gridlocked over meaningless arguments? Are you sure?

“We need to encourage price transparency…” but then how will I be able to see the prices? I prefer the opaque ones, preferably in black font, at least 12 point, Times New Roman.

Imagine if you got this kind of applause in class? “Andrew, do you have an answer?” “Well… (applause)… I think…. (more applause)… Hobbes was wrong…. (standing ovation)... and I eat babies, making their life that much more solitary, nasty, brutish, and short. (thunderous applauding so loud the roof collapses)

Everybody was just standing except for one person in the front of the screen. I wonder how it feels to be that guy, called out on national television? I hope he at least had a good reason to not stand, preferably something I could relate to, such as “eh, I’m lazy.”

“We need to expand the use of hybrid vehicles… we need to continue to expand our research in new methods of producing ethanol…” wait, what’s that rumbling noise? Oh, that’s just Exxon-Mobil’s new squadron of tanks heading straight for the building in response.

“The enemy knows that the days of comfortable sanction….. are long over.” That’s right, terrorists! We’re taking away your couches and replacing them with UNCOMFORTABLE woody benches of sanction! What do you think of THAT!

Bush just told us that we pushed the terrorists out of their safe haven in Afghanistan, only to allow them to enter a new safe haven somewhere else, which is clearly bullshit. I’ve been to New Haven plenty of times, and some of those areas sure don’t seem safe to me.

Now I’m just confused… something about the Shitty people vs. the Sunny people in the Middle East? I don’t follow…

My favorite people to watch are the ones who clearly don’t want to stand up during standing ovations: first they just sit there, then their head starts looking around quickly when a few people stand, and you can tell they’re thinking “SIT SIT SIT SIT”, then more people stand, their face changes to one of hopelessness as they realize they’ll have to stand, and they finally reluctantly stand up. And speaking of standing up, I think Ludacris should be yelling “STAND UP!” every time he thinks an ovation is appropriate. And speaking of rappers, can you believe Bush didn’t invite Kanye West to his speech? And speaking of starting too many sentences in a row with “and speaking of”, grammar rules do not apply to this column, in the same way that pronunciation rules do not apply to Bush.

Nancy Pelosi blinks more than everybody I know… combined.

NATO has deployed troops in Afghanistan, the first time it has deployed forces in an area outside of the North Atlantic… meaning its new name is essentially TO. In a related story, the artist/organization formerly known as NATO randomly started yelling utter nonsense and complaining about everything, from his coach to his former quarterbacks to the fact that Wendy’s didn’t give him as many ketchup packets as he would have liked last night.

I don’t really have a conclusion, so instead, I’m gonna share a couple random thoughts from other people. The newspaper will begin publishing again next week.

Laura, on standing ovations and applause:

“This is like a squatting exercise for these people. The ridiculousness of this does not go unseen by me. This is absolutely stupid. A 49 minute speech interrupted 62 times by applause. That’s more than once per minute.”

Mallory, on the subway guy:

“The subway guy was my favorite part… probably the only man to give a thumbs up in the State of the Union. Ever.”