One Good Movie - A Recipe by Emeril... BAM.

The other day, I was walking down the street on my way to lunch, and somebody asked me “Andrew, what’s the meaning of life?” I thought that question was pretty damn stupid, but I did decide that they deserved an answer, so I just gave them a few random ones, including “1492”, “3.14159”, and “4 logs” (with the corresponding random questions being “When did Columbus sail the ocean blue?”, “What are the first 6 digits of pi?”, and “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?”, obviously.)

Moving on to questions that aren’t stupid, what makes a good movie? I decided to do my best Geraldo Rivera impression and investigate. Then I realized I don’t particularly like Geraldo, so I decided to do my best cookie impression instead, since I love cookies. However, this plan managed to fail as well, after I bit my left hand off. So, I slowly type the rest of this column with one hand, impersonating only myself. And yes, I am aware of how close that last sentence sounds to some sort of masturbation joke, you pervert. Anyway, let's break it down like a '84 Crapmobile.

Death Count

There’s two types of deaths in a movie: random people who have no lines (other than possibly “AUGHHH” or “I’VE BEEN SHOT!”), and main characters. On a side note, this seems like a good spot to point out that one of the few goals I have in life is to some day have my own IMDB page with a credit like “Man #7 in ice cream shop” or “Velociraptor victim #4.” Anyway, while watching Stallone mow down 500 people in a Vietnamese Jungle is always entertaining, the death of characters who actually possess linguistic abilities can be hit or miss. Obviously, the hero killing villains is always good, and made even better if he lets out a corny line afterwards (think Arnold saying “Let out some steam” after throwing the steaming pipe through a man’s chest in Commando), but sometimes we’re forced to sit through tear-jerkers, so named because they make you cry at the fact that your manhood is shriveling up and dying as you’re being forced to watch some sappy piece of crap just so you can get in that girl who dragged you there’s pants after the movie. Any death that’s designed to make the viewer feel for the surviving characters is a bigger downer than looking at before and after pictures of Britney – with the exception being a death that pisses off the badass, take-no-prisoners hero, creating 30 minutes of mayhem in which every bad guy and manatee is shot by his gun that somehow fires 900 times without reloading, probably because the gun is so manly that it actually grows a beard if not fired every 20 seconds. Luckily, it never comes close to reaching that time. For those of you scoring this game at home, the movie gets:

+.1 for each random bad guy killed.

-5 for any death in which the girl next to you sheds visible tears (nullified by +5 if you manage to steal some of her food when her eyes are too blurry to notice.)

+4 for a scene where the hero’s friend/family member/wife/hot intern he’s been sleeping with dies, followed by him kneeling over the body in the rain, with the camera zooming in as he slowly raises his head and makes a menacing stare so determined, it makes you get goosebumps of anticipation as you await the inevitable “hero going to hidden ammo stockpile” where, despite the fact that he’s been retired for 6 years, he’s stocked up enough ammo to take on the Nazis, Communists, and Mongols all at the same time. On a sidenote, that last sentence makes me wonder two things: 1) why the fuck are they called “goosebumps”? If my bumps aren’t quacking, just call them bumps… although if they were quacking, that would be pretty cool. 2) If Genghis Khan was alive circa 1945, would he have single-handedly defeated both Hitler and Stalin’s armies with the help of just 4 horses, 3 sidekicks, a bow and arrow, and a mildly sharp stick? I say “yes.”

+2 for each corny line that makes you simultaneously shout “YES!” and crack up, followed by choking to death from attempting to laugh, talk, and eat popcorn simultaneously, but being revived just in time by somebody who knows CPR.

+3 if that person is Wendy Peppercorn.

-4 if you call yourself American but don’t know who Wendy Peppercorn is.

Included Actors (points for each):

+7 for Dwayne Johnson

-7 if you don’t know that Dwayne Johnson is “The Rock.” If I was in charge of higher education, facts like this would be prioritized approximately 782 slots ahead of “calculus.”

+5 for Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwartrzterartenegar, pre-94 years old

-5 for Stillold or Ahnold, post-94 years old

+4 for Vin Diesel

+20 for Dolph Lundgren. On a side note, feel free to use the newest feature of the site: Ask Dolph. More on this in the sidebar.

For those of you wondering, Adam Sandler gets a randomly assigned number between -10 and +20. If movies were sports, Adam Sandler would be the modern Brett Favre (not to be confused with Favre in his prime) – Sometimes he manages to rifle the ball 400 miles per hour and squeeze it through 4 defenders to throw some of the most amazing passes you’ve ever seen (Billy Madison); other times, he rolls out, chucks up a lame duck that’s nowhere within 20 yards of any Packer, and everybody in the stands wonders what the hell just happened and wants their money back (Mr. Deeds.) The difference, of course, is that when Favre screws up, the announcers blame everyone else; when Sandler screws up, everybody talks about how much he sucks. And as long as we’re playing the actor-athlete relation game, Jason Statham is clearly Robert Horry: a solid contributor to every film/team, always making it better, but not getting much attention until the last couple years, when Horry became Big Shot Bob and Statham starred in the Transporter movies.

+1 each for Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Steve Carrell, and Paul Rudd… but only if there’s at least 3 of them in the movie.

Comedic Value

Everybody loves a funny movie, and if they don’t, they should. Basic ratings for comedy are as follows:

+.3 for every genuinely funny joke

+1 for any line funny and catchy enough to be used at random times in conversations and actually make people laugh (think Anchorman)

-1 for any line that, while originally funny, has been used so many times that it’s essentially been beaten 19 feet into the ground with a sledgehammer at this point (think Napoleon Dynamite, idiot!)

+.2 for any slapstick moment that involves someone getting hurt for a cheap laugh

Setting

Setting can make or break a movie. If you don’t believe that, think about it: Open Water could have been the most thrilling movie in the history of mankind, but I just refuse to see a movie that involves people treading water in the middle of the fucking ocean the whole time. And it even had sharks in it, which are pretty much the most badass animal not named “grizzly.” At the same time, the first Lord of the Rings movie had a plot that essentially went like this: people walking around, people walking around, people walking around some more, people walking around but now we’re calling it hiking, people hiking a little more, people hiking with legs that must be tired by now, wizard falling off a bridge, spend another 9 bucks to find out what happens next… and it actually holds your attention.

-5 for any setting that takes place in one stupid place the whole time (Open Water, Phone Booth.) On a side note, this was the hardest rule for me to make, as I did enjoy Clerks. Which is why I’m creating the next rule to balance it out…

+5 for any movie title that’s 6 letters long, starts with “C”, and ends with “lerks”.

+1 for each scene where you look around and say “holy crap I want to go there.”

Eye Candy

Just as with death count, there’s 2 types of eye candy: the Angelina Jolie type, who is actually an attractive main character, and the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift type, where the director says “there’s only two people talking in this scene, but I have a 500 square foot parking lot… I wonder how many hot extras I can cram into one frame?” Unlike death count, both of these things add to the movie. I mean, it’s not real life… if there’s going to be people whose entire role consists of “stand in the background and look pretty”, they might as well take it literally and pick pretty people, right?

+5 for each attractive lead female (or male, depending on what gender/sexuality you are)

Another +5 if that lead is Jessica Alba, the M&M of candies: simply the best. And as long as we’re playing that game, taking a more literal approach, I guess the Olsen Twins would be Twix, and some ugly woman would be Reeses Feces.

+.1 for each extra that draws your eye away from the character who’s actually doing something in the scene

Monkeys

A reader has requested that I “add something about monkeys [to my next column.] They are universally appealing and funny.”

+1 for every monkey, +2 if the monkey is curious, and +3 if it’s named Bobo the Monkey. I think all monkeys should be named Bobo the Monkey. And no, it can’t just be “Bobo”… it has to have “the Monkey” as well.

Miscellaneous

+8 for any musical montage of quick clips… whether it’s a sports team coming together, two friends bonding, or cops investigating all over town. Add another 5 if the song playing in the background is 80’s music. The cornier, the better.

That about wraps it up. I’m sure I’m missing things here, but I am le tired, so if you have any you’d like to suggest, feel free to write in with them and I’ll consider editing it. And I don’t mean the motherly “I’ll think about it” that you get when you say “Mom, can I have a rocket launcher for Christmas!?!?”

Peace out cub scouts.

Random Thoughts... Part Deux

Given the fact that I had a slow week at work, and therefore spent a decent amount of time just sitting there writing down random thoughts, does this mean I’m now a paid columnist? Anyway, while I’m not quite sure what a troduction is, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be in one, so it’s time to dive (or cannonball… since that’s more fun anyway) right into this thing. More random thoughts:

In case you missed it, a man recently began with a red paper clip and, through a series of trades on craigslist, wound up with a house a year later. I don’t see why this is such a big deal… I had a friend who started out with just a broken condom and ended up with herpes, syphilis, AND gonorrhea, and it only took him one night.

Pete Coors (vice chairman of the beer place) was recently arrested for a DUI. Looks like we’ve found J.J. Redick’s first sponsor. But really, what if these situations happened more often? I can’t wait until the day when I open the New York Times and see the headline “PETA President Attacked by Snakes…on a Plane.”

A girl who’s wiser than me recently quoted a guy who’s wiser than her, saying “literature rehabilitates the imagination. Swings just make you want to get higher.” Well no wonder our youth is so messed up; they have drug paraphernalia sitting in their 3^rd grade playgrounds.

Isn’t it appropriate that the word “prostitute” has the word “tit” built right in?

When I walked in to get my haircut this week, my first thought was “wow, that kid getting his hair cut sure is preppy.” Immediately following the haircut, before even getting out of his chair, the first thing he did was pop his collar. I guess he had only folded it down so the hairs wouldn’t fall in…. because even collar poopers don’t have itchy necks. And yes, I spelled it that way on purpose. This kid was SO preppy… fine, don’t ask how preppy he was. I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna tell you anyway, asshole. He was so preppy, he made Carlton look like 50 Cent.

Actual headline from ESPN.com: “T.O. claims he was misquoted in autobiography.” I’m surprised nobody’s tried this as a legal defense yet. “Well, your honor, yes, I DID tell him I was going to kill him, but it’s only because I misquoted myself… I was trying to say that I really liked his new bicycle.

My friend Chris recently told me that male giraffes use their long necks as leverage, and often headbutt each other to the death over a female. After being suspicious at first, I looked it up. Not only is he correct about this amazing fact, but the website also taught me that “not everything about giraffes is big”… meaning their lungs, you pervert. Get your mind out of the gutter.

2 giraffes fighting to the death. Picture courtesy of National Geographic, June 2003 issue.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves: the Desaguadero River connects two lakes… Lake Titicaca and Lake Poopo.

With an old music video on recently, it made me wonder… do you think the mute button was invented by a psychic who anticipated the career of Britney Spears?

This weekend, while looking at TV Guide, I discovered that CBS had an amazing schedule: Cycling at 1:00, followed by Auto Racing at 2:00! I haven’t been this excited since HBO decided to show Gigli and Glitter back-to-back. And why didn’t anybody tell me that CBS stood for Crappy Bad Shows?

Headline from CNN.com recently: “Obrador Calls for Mexico Recount.” Apparently, Obrador has demanded a full recount in Mexico’s presidential election. Interestingly, “Obrador” rhymes with “Al Gore.” Coincidence? I think not.

More CNN.com headlines: “Police: 911 isn’t a dating service.” Duh… it’s a pizza delivery service, obviously. Everybody knows that the dating service is 411.

Final thought of the day: Viacom owns both BET and CMT.... which I'm sure makes for some interesting company parties. How much would you pay to spend a night watching Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw interact with Redman and the Wu-Tang Clan?

Random Thoughts

Themes are a crutch for the weak. Anybody can write an article when there’s a logical path to follow. It takes a truly talented writer to jump around aimlessly like a trampoliner who just got unexpectedly doublebounced. Well, either that or a crackhead who needs his fix. Either way, it’s time for some random thoughts so deep, they make Jack Handey look like he’s wading in the kiddie pool.

I firmly believe that schizos should get more than one vote. And so do I. Unfortunately, Melissa the copy editor doesn’t think so, as she just informed me/us that “schizos don’t have multiple personalities… people with multiple personality disorder do.” Fortunately, she was outvoted 2-1.

Do psychics have various degrees of ESP like ESPN has different channels? Psychics who just read palms or something could have ESP2, while those who communicate with people who died long ago could have ESP Classic.

I believe the official medical terms for dyslexia and lisp should be Lysdexia and Lithp.

True story – I drove by Dunkin Donuts on my way to work the other day, and two out of three cars in the parking lot were police cars. Truth may be stranger than fiction, but stereotypes are more accurate than “facts.”

Am I the only person who thinks Michael Ballack looks like Adrien Grenier at times? When he kicked the penalty shot against Argentina, I was looking around for Turtle, E, and Drama to charge the field and give him a hug.

If mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, baked potatoes, and fried potatoes are all so delicious, is a cannibal’s favorite food couch potatoes?

I hereby declare that every time Mets pitcher Alay Soler strikes out a batter, the entire crowd should shout SOLER POWER.

Speaking of Mets pitchers, Duaner Sanchez is my new favorite player, solely because his name is abbreviated as D. Sanchez. I can’t wait for the first time he makes a diving play, just so we can hear the announcer say “wow, that is one dirty Sanchez right there!”

The guy who works down the hall in my office sounds EXACTLY like Paul Rudd every time he talks. I keep waiting for his phone to ring, only to hear him pick up and say “You know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay.”

Only Golf could have a Cialis Open. Seriously, is any sport more appropriate for a sponsor like Cialis? The object is to get it high up in the air, and then put it in the hole. But as if a major sporting event being sponsored by Cialis wasn’t good enough already, they decided to play the background music from an Eminem song while showing the scorecard before a commercial. That’s right… they played Eminem during a golf tournament. I can only hope that this leads to an And 1 Mixtape featuring Raffie singing Baby Beluga while Helicopter mercilessly taunts The Professor after making him the most posterized player since Frederic Weis.

For those of you who missed the World Cup finals, Italy won in a shootout, thanks to key goals from Rigatoni, Fettucini, and Linguini. But to me, the really mind-boggling thing was that the announcers did not bother mentioning that Thierry Henry, France’s best goal-scorer, was unable to kick in the shootout. How do they not even casually mention this? Can you imagine a moment like this in an American football game? Hell, if Carson Palmer misses one play this entire season, they’ll not only show replays of last season’s injury from 37,426 angles, but they’ll probably also find his mother within five minutes and ask her why she didn’t feed her son more milk growing up to make his bones stronger. And they can’t even mention it during the WORLD CUP FINALS? I’m more baffled than the Italian guy was after Zidane spun around and headbutted him in the chest. (On a side note, I’m not going to bother making any jokes about the headbutt… it was at such a high level of comedy, that anything I say will automatically not be as funny as the headbutt itself. So we’ll just move on.)

Speaking of the World Cup, I’m glad to see the French decided to wear white jerseys in the finals, although I was surprised that they didn’t rip them off five minutes into the match, attach them to a stick, and wave them around as their white surrender flags.

Melissa rocks.
(Melissa added that… I’m gonna have to copy-edit her copy-editing, and clarify that she meant “Melissa is dumb as rocks.”)

I was flipping through channels recently, and stumbled upon 7^th heaven, which I hadn’t seen in probably about 8 years, only to find that Beverly Mitchell (the girl who played Lucy) grew boobs. This sent my mind spinning faster than the cow in Twister, as it went back and forth between “that girl is hot” and “she’s 12!!! Don’t look at her!!” even though she’s actually older than me and is like 25 these days. And as if that didn’t make me feel old enough, I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 last weekend and got a Transformers preview. My excitement was instantly killed by my friend (who’s two years younger than me), when she asked “what the hell are Transformers?” I might as well buy my ticket to the senior citizen home now. On the bright side, if it’s less than 300 dollars, it’s already cheaper than the damn movie ticket.

On a random side note, now that this thing is online instead of in print, I decided I'll start up the mailbag again. Feel free to write in (via email preferably, but IM or comments board works too, just let me know it's for the column) with any feedback, column topic suggestions, jokes, thoughts, or random questions on anything from eating a box of oreos in one sitting (it's been done) to playing the tuba while wearing a bandana 2pac-style (also been done) that you'd like answered.

I’m out like Yao Ming in a limbo contest.

Adventure

Choose Your Own Adventure – The College Years

Greetings, Zach Morris wannabees. Today is your lucky day. College can be a lot of fun, but decision-making can be tough. But like an Irish prostitute on St. Patty’s Day, you’re about to get lucky. The following is a choose your own adventure story – you remember them, don’t you? (If not, I bet you’re the type of person who thought Power Rangers were cooler than Ninja Turtles. Forget the sandbox; do us all a favor and go play in some quicksand.) Anyway, instead of being about babysitting some kids that make Dennis the Meance look like a Brady Bunch child or trying to pick the winning football play, this adventure takes you through a night on a college campus in Collegetown. Play your cards like Hellmuth, and you just may end up having a good time, although I’d be obliged to call you a whiney little bitch (who I wish I was making as much money as) in the process. Play them incorrectly, and great perils await. Not to be confused with great pearls. Just because Pirates of the Caribbean 2 was just released, doesn’t mean there’s any treasure around. In the words of the wisest of the Constitutional Convention leaders, “Enough of this preamble nonsense, let’s get to the fucking point already.” Just follow the numbers as directed, and start choosing your adventure.

1. It’s Thursday night, and you have a paper bigger than Godzilla due on Monday morning. (Speaking of Godzilla, what the hell was the deal with Mothra? What a stupid monster. Ever killed a moth? They don’t even bleed or anything… it’s just like a flying pile of dust. All you’d need is a giant dustbuster, and N’sync starts singing Bye Bye Bye to the annoying flying pest.) But I digress. Do you:

A) Stay in and go to bed earlier than a 3^rd grader on Ambien, so that you’re well rested for your busy weekend of studying: Go to #2

B) It’s called “Thirsty Thursday” for a reason, and it’s not because more people die of dehydration on the 5^th day of the week: Go to #3

2. You brush your teeth, change into your Superman pajamas, and hop in bed just in time to be hit in the face by the rogue meteorite that just crashed through your 3^rd floor window. Guess it was made of kryptonite. Moral: studying instead of going out is the leading cause of death among people who are hit in the face by meteorites while resting in bed. So even if you don’t want to go out, remember: better safe than sorry.

3. You perform the patented 3 Sh- Plan of shower, shave, and… poop, in preparation for a fun night out. Your friend calls and asks what’s going on, using whatever the token hip-hop slang phrase of the day is, despite the fact that he was born on his parents’ yacht and has been popping his collar since he was still wearing diapers, as 2pac and Biggie roll in their graves. Probably something like “yo holla at me if you know what’s cookin, biatch.” What do you do?

A) Tell him to come over for a little bit, and that you’ll go out in an hour or so: Go to #4

B) Tell him you’re hosting a party, and start inviting people over: Go to #5

4. Your roommate arrives, and after a quick run to the store to buy some Dubra (Russian for “classy”) and Natty (English for “delicious”), you pregame in your room with a few people before heading out. Where to, gumshoe?

A) Go straight to the dance: Go to #6

B) Go to a party across campus first: Go to #7

5. On the last episode of “The College Years”, Screech took steroids and beat the crap out of Slater in a fit of rage, Kelly finally realized she can do way better than Zach, and you decided to host the party in your room. As the night goes on, and on, and on, and on, Nirvana-style, your room becomes filthier than Wilhelm Grav Slavata and Jaroslav Borzita Graf Von Martinicz (try saying that one five times fast) after the Defenestration of Prague. Eventually, the many germs combine to form one big hybrid germ, and that night you die of salmonelariabolaids. Moral: let some other doofus host the party. Ok, fine, I just wanted to use the word “doofus.”

6. You head over to the dance, ready to get your groove on, only to discover that you’re the first student there, and wind up being forced to talk to that professor who’s so awkward that he makes explaining to your girlfriend why you just came home from your ex’s house with lipstick on your collar more comfortable than eating Mrs. Fields cookies in a Brookstone massage chair at the mall. Fortunately for you, a stray Mongolian with a poor sense of direction suddenly charges, yelling “YOUR WALL AIN’T SO GREAT NOW, IS IT, CHINA”, and tosses a spear through your temple, putting an end to your miserable situation. Moral: The Mongols were badass.

7. You head over to Smith (since every college campus in America has a dorm named “Smith”), where a keg is being held in the common room. For those of you Conn kids out there who are confused right now about why there’s a keg in Smith, just pretend I said “Windham” instead. Anyway, after realizing that the crowd of 300 is blatantly mocking the fire marshal so badly that they might as well be mooning him, you decide you’ll need a beer or eight to cool yourself down from the equatorial body heat. Unfortunately, the line to the keg is somewhere between “Water park on a 103 degree Saturday afternoon” and “Lord of the Rings on opening night.” Do you:

A) attempt to grab the beer yourself: Go to #8

B) send the hot girl you’re friends with to work her Houdini-like magic and grab you some beer: Go to #9

8. You attempt to squeeze your way through the room, which is packed tighter than a speeding windowless van flying towards the Mexican border. You reach the keg just as the person in front of you snags the last drop of beer, but just in time for Campus Safety to bust in like the feds breaking up Vin Diesel’s party in XXX. Once they’ve confiscated your ID, they suddenly realize you’re that kid with the 37 unpaid parking tickets, and execute you on the spot. Moral: I don’t know… I saw the words “hot girl” in the last paragraph, and my train of thought careened over a cliff faster than Doc’s girlfriend’s wagon in Back to the Future III.

9. You send Hottie McLookingood in, and she gets to the beer faster than a fat kid charging towards a plate of fresh brownies. Campus safety arrives, but you already have your beer, and notice that they’ve failed to cover one of the windows. Doing your best Hu Jia impression, you dive out the window and stop, drop, and roll on the grass. Then you realize you were never on fire, so you stop rolling around like an idiot, get your ass up, and make your way over to the dance, where you wind up spending half the time chasing a girl who couldn’t be more out of your league if she was a MLB All-Star and you were a D3 college benchwarmer. However, you do have a fun time dancing, and after the dance you go to a post-dance party, which was lots of fun I’m sure, but I’m tired of typing, so it’s time for me to wrap this up like the lady who made my sandwich at Roly Poly today and give you the winning moral from your favorite (only) blue furry friend:

C is for Cookie, that’s good enough for me.