Spring Break

There's a new column in the works, but it's taking me a little longer than expected. Until it's up, I thought I'd throw up my personal favorite one, from sophomore year just before spring break, since only some of you have read it. So if you read it already, just stop reading here. Or here. Or even here. Definitely not right here... but right here works fine. Anyway, I'll have something original (extra crispy = overrated) within the next week or so. Until then...

A Complete Idiot’s Zagat’s Guide to Barron’s Spring Break for Dummies – 2005 Edition

As the time before break gently winds down (or accelerates before screeching to a halt as it collides with a brick wall, in my case), we find ourselves averting our eyes away from the mountains of work and towards something much more pleasant. And no, I don’t mean the hot girl in your Art History class. I’m talking about spring break.

For those of you who don’t know much about spring break, I’ll give you a little background information. Contrary to popular belief, “spring break” does not imply a break in the spring semester; rather, it comes from the Latin phrase “Springius Breakium”, meaning “cheap booze and fine honeys.” And don’t get mad at me for using such crude phrases; it’s not my fault the Romans were not as sophisticated as me. I mean, c’mon, we’re talking about a group of people whose public bathrooms were just one big toilet that everybody pissed in while Egon yelled "DON'T CROSS THE BEAMS!" And that’s a true fact. (Right here, I wanted to make a footnote, and when you went to the bottom it would say “by ‘true fact’, I mean ‘I made it up’”, but I’ve been informed that my column can’t have footnotes.) First they take away the spicy chicken parm, now our ability to do footnotes… what’s next? It better not be pumpkin pie, or else it’s revolution time.

But I digress. I’m pretty sure I had a point somewhere before that digression, but it flew out the window faster than Superman on amphetamines, and I’m not entirely sure what it was to begin with. So we’ll just assume it was something about spring break, and keep moving along.

Many of you may not have finalized your spring break travel plans. Luckily for you, your procrastination has paid off, because you get to read this wonderful travel guide before deciding on your final destination (and speaking of Final Destination, I never saw that movie, but it didn’t seem to make sense. If I was death, and I wanted a bunch of kids to die, I wouldn’t be trying to hit them with a freaking bus. Why not just snap your fingers and say “heart attack”? Wouldn’t that be much easier?) And for those of you who planned ahead and made your travel plans weeks ago without the benefit of a guide to help you, stop working so damn hard, because it’s kids like you who mess up the curve and make the rest of us look bad.

With that, I bring you to the heart of the column: a guide to spring break locations. When making a guide, one must take into consideration many factors: affordability, fine dining, historical significance, atmosphere, and relaxation opportunities. However, none of those things really appeal to me, so I’m grading on a few other categories instead, such as warm weather, cheap drinks, a low drinking age, attractive persons of your gender of choice (this is the “fine honeys” the Romans were talking about), gambling opportunities, and other similar factors. And now, after that lengthy introduction, I leave you with the guide itself. For your convenience (or possibly my amusement), it has been alphabetized by the 4th letter of each location’s name.

Cuba. With its fine cigars and beautiful weather, Cuba is clearly a fine destination for any traveler. Sure, there’s that minor detail about how you might not be able to get there, and if you do, they might not let you out, but that’s just a little setback in your quest for the world’s finest cigars. However, if it’s really smoking that you’re looking for, you might be better off in another country, possibly one that begins with “A”, ends with “m”, and has a “msterda” in the middle. But we’ll get to that later. Because the next location is…

Canada. Poor Canada. It gets such a bad rep, and is the blunt of countless jokes, many of which involve the phrase “eh?” But Canada has its pluses, the most notable of which are beautiful weather and beaches galore. Oh, my bad, I thought I was in the Cuba paragraph still. Well, I don’t really know much about Canada. I have some friends who went last year, and they told me the drinking age is 18 and the strip clubs are cheap. So I guess that’s good, although personally I would rather go to…

Cancun. If you’re trying to get yourself in the next Girls Gone Wild tape, this is definitely your place. Cancun scores well in almost every measurable category. Warm weather, beautiful beaches, booze galore, and full of college students, there’s no question why Cancun is the favorite travel destination of spring breakers worldwide. And if you happen to be single and looking for a good time without a relationship, I believe my friend summed up your situation best when he said “Cancun is a place where you don’t learn people’s names until the next morning.” But if you’d rather go somewhere less sexual and more, uh, ski-ual, I’d probably recommend…

Colorado. Another place that I know very little about. All I can really tell you is that lots of people go there, and they usually come back with sweatshirts that say “VAIL” or “ASPEN” on them. It’s got mountains, as well as the Denver Broncos, and that girl who says Kobe raped her. That’s about all I know about Colorado, so let’s move on to…

Puerto Rico. Finally, a place I’ve actually been to. After staying there over Spring Break, I can assure you with confidence that either you will like Puerto Rico, unless you don’t like it. But I’m almost positive that it will be one of those two. Now, which side of this fence you lie on will probably be decided by whether or not you win at the casino. Or maybe I’m the only person who goes to Puerto Rico and spends half the time in the casino. Anyway, the drinking age is 18, there’s lots of beaches (well duh, it’s an island), and it’s technically still part of America, so you don’t have to worry about any crazy laws where you can be capitally punished for talking with your mouth full. But, if you do want to take the foreign route, you could always try…

Amsterdam. Despite popular opinion, Amsterdam actually has many fun things to do that do not involve marijuana or the red light district. There’s a great museum that I can’t recall the name of at the moment, probably because I hate art. I’m also told that there are beautiful canals. But let’s be honest: if you’re going to Amsterdam for things like that, you wouldn’t be reading a column entitled “I Have ADD”. So why Amsterdam? Well, after a google search for “things to do in Amsterdam” gave me a website called www.thingstodo-amsterdam.com (and no, that is not a joke), I found this gem of a quote: “Many establishments that call themselves koffieshop (as opposed to koffiehuis, espresso bar or sandwich shop) are in the cannibis business, though they do serve coffee.” So there you have it. If you like “coffee”, Amsterdam is right up your alley. But not everyone likes tokin’ the reefer. Luckily for you, there’s always…

Southern California. OK, that transition didn’t work too well, because I can only assume that any place with that many surfers saying “dude” has to have a lot of illegal drugs in it. But that’s ok. Famous for such attractions as Venice Beach, the Staples Center, and Hollywood, there are many reasons to visit Southern California. Whether or not these reasons are “good” is debatable; after all, the Staples Center is home to the Clippers, and some Hollywood-produced movies include Catwoman and Freddy vs. Jason, but that’s ok. And by the way, if “deba” was a prefix that meant “one billion”, “debatable” would actually mean “one billion tables.” Yea, I have no idea where that comment came from. I probably had too much coffee in Amsterdam or something. Anyway, if you do visit California, make sure to stop by the OC. Also, if I happen to be with you when you go, make sure you bring a vomit bag for me. But to be honest, if you really want to have a good time out west, you want to go to a place that’s not far from Southern California. And that place is…

Las Vegas. Where to begin. Any place where there’s a chance that your vacation ends with you winding up married to Britney Spears is a place you want to be. And as if that wasn’t enough, it’s Vegas. Seven more reasons you should visit Vegas: the gambling, the food, the gambling, the clubs, the gambling, the free beer they give out in casinos, and the gambling.

There were many other places I could have included in this column: Aruba, Jamaica, the Bahamas, the Virgin Islands, the Dominican Republic, and any other Caribbean island you can name. However, to be honest, I don’t really know anything about any of those places, except that they’re all near each other, and that there’s lots of water around there.

I don’t really know how to wrap this column up. Come to think of it, I also don’t really know how to wrap presents, so I guess I’m just bad at wrapping things. Not to be confused with rapping. I got mad skillz, yo. Right… Anyway, have a great spring break. And remember: while popping your collar may help prevent sunburns on your neck, it also drives the girls crazy. And by “crazy” I mean “mentally insane”, not crazy about your looks.

Dinosaurs… the Other Other White Meat

After seeing that Jurassic Park was on AMC for the 467^th time this month, I decided I’d watch it, since the last time I saw it, the Knicks were within 50 games of being half-decent, AOL still made those cool noises when you used dial-up (you know, the ones that made it sound like aliens were taking over the world), and Charles Barkley only weighed 300 pounds. Speaking of which, do you think Charles Barkley secretly hates Magic Johnson, as well as everybody else who has HIV? People have been making fun of Barkley’s weight nonstop since he retired, while the once trim Magic sits at the same commentators’ desk and has ballooned in size as well, but nobody is allowed to make jokes about it since he has HIV. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day, while Barkley and Magic are talking, a teleprompter “accidentally” slipped out of Barkley’s hand and bashed Magic in the face…. 12 times.

Anyway, like a heroin addict, it was only about 30 minutes after watching Jurassic Park that I felt a need for another dinosaur fix. After several days of cravings stronger than a pregnant woman’s, I decided to go to the Natural History Museum, which is an event in itself, since me going to a museum is about as likely as a priest getting wasted at the strip club (unless it features 12 year old boys, in which case, it’s quite likely.)

While I never bring my camera to trivial events like “dances” or “graduation”, there’s nothing like some 200,000 pound animals with teeth as big as my head to make me brush the 3 inch thick layer of dust off my camera. Without further ado (and without further Adu, since the Americans got knocked out of the World Cup… and yes, before you leave snide comments, I am aware that Freddy Adu was not actually on our World Cup roster), I give you…. KONG! Or a picture-by-picture look at my trip to the Museum. Whichever seems like less effort.

On our way to the dinosaur section, we discover a couple of Baloo’s relatives, and make her pose with them. Strangely enough, the sun appears to be pictured in the middle of a cloud that’s not even as tall as the mountain…

Yes, I took a picture of this just because it said “beaver.” And as established last week, I turn 22 years old this year.

Little known dinosaur fact #1: Tyrannosaurus Rex’s favorite food was the Hanginglampasuarus.

Little known dinosaur fact #2: Despite being the epitome of masculinity, many ferocious meat eating dinosaurs took the time to paint their nails in between savagely ripping the flesh off of other dinosaurs.

It’s called “toothpaste.” Try using it sometime.

And I thought the LAST one had bad teeth. Apparently, this one is the little-known “Britishasaurus.”

The Brontosaurus, a constant source of “tail envy” from other less-endowed dinosaurs.

Little known dinosaur fact #3: The T-Rex loved tattoos, and often had many on his face. (See next picture for close-up)

Close-up of T-Rex’s tattoos. As you can see, he was Westside until he died.

Baloo shows her striking resemblance to some small, scrappy, obnoxious looking dinosaur. Who knew bears evolved from dinosaurs?

Little known dinosaur fact #4: The Stegosaurus’s plates were actually solar panels, seen charging up in this picture.

Answer: “Chuck Norris.”

Hey there, Bucktooth McGee! Good to see you!

Me: “Moschops… sounds like something I’d eat for dinner.”
Baloo: “Yea, I’ll bet it went extinct pretty fast.”

Glyptotherium, also known as the Fatass-asaurus.

While leaving the museum, 3 things I learned about the selfish bastard known as the Manatee:

1) They are unable to go on land, and therefore must stay in the water at all times.

2) Despite being fat lards, they actually have no blubber, and therefore can have problems keeping themselves warm.

3) Unlike most other animals their size, which feed off of small fish and similar things, manatees are vegetarians.

It’s animals like the manatee that make me question the merits of evolution… shouldn’t they have gone extinct 40,000 years ago? What a worthless creature. And in case you’re wondering why I say they’re selfish, my neighbor Laura once pointed out to me that you always hear about how manatees are endangered, save the manatees, wah wah wah, when there’s plenty of other endangered species out there… they just hog all the attention. So, if you’re an activist, quit protecting these worthless self-centered pieces of blubberless fat and start doing something to save cool animals, like grizzly bears. I don’t know if they’re endangered or not, but you can never have too many grizzly bears. And while we’re on the topic… there are guard dogs, so it’s clearly possible to train animals as guards. Trained bears are in the circus, so it’s reasonable to assume bears are trainable. When I grow up, I’m going to have a squadron of guard grizzlies in my house, as well as a few security cameras, just so I can laugh at the recorded images of the helpless burglar’s face, just before Paco the Grizzly rips his head off and eats it.

Just like a Trojan, I’m going to wrap this thing up. The moral of the story, as always: dinosaurs kick more ass than a man who punts donkeys for a living.

Aladdin

First column of the summer. It’s about Aladdin, which I watched last night, after being inspired when I heard Entertainment Weekly ranked it #25 in their Top 25 Most Controversial Films list (more on this later.) Anyway, random thoughts on the movie…

PREVIEWS

Lion King – Who is the guy who yells at the beginning of the Circle of Life song? What a great job. Imagine getting paid to just yell in a high voice making noises that don’t make sense, and having your random sounds become famous. If I could simultaneously hang out with this guy and the guy who voices every scary movie preview on the planet (who must be pounding a handle of vodka and chain-smoking 17 packs a day at this point to get that voice), I’d be happier than an NBA player who just found out he doesn’t have to play in Utah anymore.

Now there’s a picture of lions and stuff in the studio… too bad Roy isn’t there in case it gets hungry.

Pinocchio – he’s made of wood… and certain body parts on him grow… and this isn’t phallic how?

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE

I can handle them changing the “Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face” line to something else in the VHS version (it was deemed offensive to Arab-Americans, according to the always reliable internet), but couldn’t they at least have used the same voice when they sang the new line? It’s like taking the opening scene of Terminator, where Arnold is nude, and replacing his entire torso with a picture of a clothed Christina Aguilera’s torso. It just doesn’t work.

Jafar wants the thief to bring him the lamp. I love lamp.

Watching the one really big guard stand next to the smaller one is eerily similar to one of those Barry Bonds before/after steroids pictures.

Definitely didn’t realize that the people landing in fertilizer were landing in poop when I was little. I like this movie even better now. Hehehe… poop. Yes, I turn 22 this year.

“I’ve never done a thing on my own… I’ve never even had any friends… I’ve never been outside the palace walls!” And from the looks of that stomach, you’ve never eaten a sandwich either. Speaking of which, Jafar is actually pretty damn skinny too… he just hides it with his giant cape. Why’s he wearing that thing anyway? Didn’t he see The Incredibles?

Where does Jasmine’s “I’ll wear a hood and nobody will recognize me” disguise rank among the all-time least believable disguises? Would it go before or after Superman/Clark Kent’s “if I wear glasses, nobody will know my secret identity” plan? I’m buying a sombrero this weekend and robbing a bank.

You know you’re watching a Disney movie when Aladdin’s best insult is calling someone a “two-faced son of a jackal.”

Could anyone other than Robin Williams have possibly played the Genie? I can’t imagine anyone doing it. I think the only funnier voice would be someone with tourette's. “You have rubbed my BITCH lamp… I will grant you three wishes MOTHERFUCKER… but there are limitations. I can not make people SHIT excuse me… come back from the KELLY CLARKSON…”

As a 6-year tuba veteran, I feel very qualified in asserting that there has never been a better tuba part than the opening of Prince Ali. Recognize.

All Aladdin needs to get Jasmine liking him is a magic carpet. Which begs the question… what’s the real world equivalent of a magic carpet? I’m gonna go with “roofies.” There’s nothing else I can think of that could get a girl going from “I hate that guy” to falling (literally) for him that fast. In fact, after hearing phrases “don’t you dare close your eyes” in the song, I’m pretty sure I’m right… he’s trying to keep her barely conscious. That sleazy bastard. Suck it, student life… you can’t write me angry letters about roofie jokes when the column isn’t in the paper.

Aladdin is staring at the princess as she walks away after their first kiss. I’m willing to bet 100 dollars he’s checking out her ass.

Jasmine: “I choose you… Aladdin.” What is he, a fucking pokemon?

Concluding paragraphs are for losers. Real men write a pair of sentences about manliness that have no relevance whatsoever to the rest of their paper.