Cougars are nature’s version of onions – at first glance, it seems so simple… “A woman over 40 who preys on younger men.” But then, as you dive into it, you realize there are plenty of layers involved. What if the man is 38 and the woman is 42? What if the man is only 6? What if “she” is a “he”? What if it’s actually a pair of Siamese twins who are connected and are individually only 21, but combined become 42? With these questions in mind, I set off on a mental expedition to navigate the mysterious world of The Cougar and plot down a map full of rules guiding the way. Just call me a Metaphorical Columbus. (Don’t worry – no natives were harmed in the production of this paper. Animals, on the other hand… a few of them had to go, but don’t worry, most of them were cats.)
They’re also like onions because sometimes they’re a great addition, but other times they make you cry as soon as you get inside them.
Without further ado, I present to you the rules of cougardom. Or, as Cosmopolitan would say, “7 Signs You May Be a Cougar”.
A cougar crouches on a hill outside of Old Pro, waiting to pounce on its younger and drunker prey.
Rule #1: A cougar must be at least 40 years of age. Self-explanatory, and yet I’m writing two sentence in the explanation area anyway. Put your hands together for verbosity!
Rule #2: The prey must be less than 40 years of age. See above comments.
Rule #3: It does not matter how old the cougar appears to be. Demi Moore is 46, but looks like she’s in her early 30’s. Your mom is 46, but they don’t check for her ID when she asks for the senior citizen discount at movies. If either of these women hit on me at a bar, they are equally cougary.
If your mom looked like this, I’d be hanging out at your house more often.
Rule #4: To qualify as a cougar, there must be a minimum age difference of 7 years between hunter and prey. If you’re 42 and hitting on someone who’s 37, you are not a cougar. If you’re 44 and hitting on someone who’s 33, you are a cougar. If you’re 52 and hitting on someone who’s 12, you’re a pedophile.
Rule #5: Twins, triplets, quadruplets, or any other same-birthday sibling set do not combine to form one mega-cougar. In other words, even if you hook up with the entire cast of Jon and Kate Plus 8 (minus the parents), you still haven’t hooked up with a cougar. In some areas of Southeast Asia, this is also known as the Siamese Principle, due to the fact that hooking up with Siamese twins at the same time still does not classify as hooking up with a cougar.
Rule #6: Cougars may be any weight. Wikipedia claims that a cougar “is the second heaviest cat in the American continents… and the fourth heaviest in the world.” It’s false statements like this one that give Wikipedia a shoddy reputation and continue to make me create footnotes while pretending I cited other sources when I write academic papers.
Rule #7: Cougars are always hunters. Fortunately for us, Wikipedia is still reliable most of the time, such as when it informs us of the following: “A capable stalk-and-ambush predator, the cougar pursues a wide variety of prey.” If you spot Jennifer Aniston at a bar and hit on her all night, even if you somehow go home with her and are able to convince the world that you didn’t slip a roofie in her drink and you somehow got lucky on your own, she’s still not a cougar. Cougars are hunters, plain and simple. None of this gatherer bullshit. Cougars may have pussies, but that doesn’t mean they are one.
