Before I get into things that would have made this movie better, allow me to give you a quick summary of the plot, for those who haven’t seen it. Adam Sandler is a rich plastic surgeon who meets Brooklyn Decker at a party and bangs her on the beach that night. A few days later, they go on a date, and decide to go to Hawaii together in what appears to be the same week. While in Hawaii, they decide to get married (keep in mind, we’re still within a month of them meeting each other, but hey, it’s cool, because what man could resist Brooklyn Decker’s huge….. heart?) Right before getting married, Adam realizes he’s actually in love with his assistant, Jennifer Aniston, so he apparently ditches Brooklyn and leaves her to be eaten by the raptors. (We’re never told if he talked to her, if he just walked out, if she slapped him, if they ran opposite ways after a raptor attack and he never went back to check on her, or what, so I’m assuming it’s the raptor attack.)
Counterpoint from Paul: “it makes perfect sense for Adam Sandler to bring Brooklyn Decker to Hawaii after a week… but why the hell would Brooklyn Decker want to go to Hawaii with Adam Sandler after just meeting him?” Fair point, and an impressively smart one for someone dumb enough to be a Redskins fan AND a Nats fan. Speaking of Redskins fans, I’m really glad that if I have to sit next to one on an airplane, it’s Paul, and not my friend Dev “I’ve been ‘randomly’ selected for extra screening by security on every flight for the past 10 years” Sethi, because my plane definitely would have blown up by now if Dev was on it. ….I mean, uh, because I wouldn’t have much elbow room.
Anyway, in the spirit of the name of the movie, I have decided it’s not always best to just go with it. For example, who takes a girl to Hawaii the same week they met her? Who gets married later that trip? Who just goes ahead and accepts the PG-13 rating when this movie could have been rated R so we could check out Brooklyn Decker’s rack? I cannot just go with these things, and with that in mind, here are 10 things that would have made Just Go With It a better movie.
1) It should have been directed by Michael Bay. Hawaii is an amazing place. You know what’s even more amazing than regular Hawaii? A HAWAII FULL OF GIANT ROBOTS BLOWING SHIT UP WHILE WILL SMITH SPEEDS AWAY FROM BAD GUYS WHO ARE TRYING TO SHOOT HIM AS SEAN CONNERY IS STOPPING HONOLULU FROM BEING DESTROYED BY CHEMICAL WEAPONS.
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| Now THAT'S a romantic comedy I'd pay to see. |
2) It should have been written by someone else. I have no idea who wrote this, but someone else would have been a better choice. Judd Apatow? Woody Allen? That random friendly bum outside Nick’s Crispy Tacos who said “Good day, Red!” when I walked by him earlier this week? All better choices.
3) Stop with the “I had no idea that girl was hot until I saw her in a bikini!” gag. We’re really supposed to believe that Adam Sandler worked in the same room as Jennifer Aniston for years without ever noticing she was hot, and then all of the sudden noticed “hey, she’s actually fairly attractive” when they were in Hawaii? His role in the movie is a lying womanizer who sleeps with anyone he can. Isn’t that the same guy who would say “hey, check out the new chick in the office, I’d like to give HER the 3-hole punch” and high five the guy sitting next to him?
(rejected euphemisms for "banging" in the above joke: “I’d like to staple HER TPS report”, “I’d like to lay HER down on the photocopy machine”, “I’d like to have some 1 on 1 time with her”, “I bet she likes to have all-hands on her”, “do you think my cock would exceed her expectations?”, and “I’d like to stick my penis in her vagina.”)
4) Add in more talking animals. Just kidding. Zookeeper looks horrible.
5) Less soul patch guy jokes. This won’t make sense if you haven’t seen the movie (and if you have, I’m sorry), but seriously, that was way too many jokes about it. Thanks for joining us on this week’s episode of Inside Joke Theater!
6) Give Dolph Lundgren a cameo. There’s a character in the movie that pretends his name is Dolph Lundgren, but he’s not THAT Dolph Lundgren. Somehow, Andy Roddick gets a cameo at the end, but Dolph Lundgren never did. Isn’t every movie better with Dolph Lundgren in it? Everyone agrees Rocky 4 was the best Rocky movie. Everyone agrees The Expendables was the best movie in general, period. Why can’t Dolph have a cameo?
Also, this seems like a perfectly good place to mention that I stand by my observation from several years ago that Roddick’s name is basically just cock twice… rod-dick. I will continue calling him Andy Phallusphallus. But hey, good for Brooklyn Decker – why settle for one cock when you can have double? One more and she really could get 3-hole-punched.
7) Speaking of cameos, let’s get more tennis players in there. The Roddick cameo was clever, and one of the more fun parts of the movie. Why stop with just him? Give Nadal a role as the buff surf instructor – his Capri pants are basically just long boardshorts. Throw Taylor Dent in the background demolishing a buffet while balancing three plates. Throw in a drunk party scene and let Sharapova and Ivanovic be the two hot girls making out. Hell, if you don’t want to give Dolph a cameo, at least cast John Isner as the tall guy whose head is off screen pretending to be Dolph Lundren.
8) Give Brooklyn Decker’s role to Angelina Jolie. A movie where Jennifer Aniston steal’s Angelina Jolie’s fiancée... every woman in America would pay to see that. Twice. Hell, they'd probably buy two copies of the DVD. After all, we're talking about a gender that feels a need to own 72 pairs of shoes... you telling me they wouldn't buy two copies of the same DVD?
9) Replace Hawaii with a golf course and change the plot to “hockey player finds out he can drive a golf ball 400 yards.” Seriously, Happy Gilmore was awesome.
10) Seriously, make it rated R and show us Brooklyn Decker’s boobs. “Hey, that’s sexist! You’re such a pig!” Hey, you know what? Halle Berry won an Oscar for showing her boobs. Maybe you should stop assuming I’m a pig, and start appreciating me for the sophisticated critical eye for film that I have. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go watch giant robots fuck each other up while destroying famous cities in Transformers 3.
This post was co-authored by Paul.
