I’ve always wondered what would happen if you were to show up at The Source awards, where all the rappers are trying to outdo each other in the macho badass department, and start asking them questions like “if you were a girl, which barbie would you play with the most?” or “what’s your favorite tampon brand?” Or, if I wanted to try to ask a random question without getting shot afterwards, maybe I’d ask something like “what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”
OK, fine, so I didn’t always wonder that. I just decided to write about it because writing more is one of my New Year’s Resolutions, and I couldn’t think of anything to write about. Sue me.
With that in mind... Mr. Rapper, what do you eat for breakfast every morning?
Snoop: 2 scrambizzled eggizzles and a glizzle of OJ with champizzle. Fo’ shizzle.
(Side Note: assuming Snoop types his raps in a word processor, there’s more words being highlighted than there are in a 9 year old’s first reading assignment after discovering highlighters.)
50 cent: EAT PROTEIN SHAKES OR DIE TRYIN’
Eminem: A lot of people ask me.... stupid fucking questions. But this one takes the cake.
(walks away)
T-Pain: Yo, what’s this weird boring looking microphone you got here... I don’t understand, where’s the auto-tune feature?
Jay-Z: Ha-ha... I’m glad you asked that, because-
DJ Clue: DJ CLUE! THE PROFESSIONAL! DJ CLUE! EXCLUSIVE! DJ CLUE!
Jay-Z: C’mon, man... we did like 2 songs together 9 years ago. Are you really still not done interrupting me y-
DJ Clue: DJ CLUE! NEW SHIT! DJ CLUE! IN STORES NOW!
Jay-Z: Whatev-
DJ Clue: DJ CLUE!
Redman: Breakfast? What the fuck is breakfast? Oh, that must be that shit people are rambling about when I’m going to bed at 11am. Also, has anyone seen Meth?
Unclear mumbling coming from the middle of a giant smoke cloud: Yoo... Red whr da bchthz at I gtta gjiaogap aegen son
Fat Joe: 4 scrambled eggs, 6 pieces of bacon, 3 sausage links, 12 bowls of oatmeal, 7 croissants, a few watermelons, 2 bowls of cocoa puffs, and a partridge in a pear tree. Then I wash it down with one glass each of skim milk, 1% milk, 2% milk, whole milk, chocolate milk, lactose-free milk, spoiled milk, and melted milk duds.
Wiz Khalifa: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...
Me: So... what exactly is that? Blackberries and a banana?
Wiz Khalifa: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow...
Me: Yea, I’m just gonna go with blackberries and a banana.
Lil’ Jon: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?
Me: I said, what do you eat for breakfast?
Lil’ Jon: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!?
Me: I SAID, WHAT DO YOU EAT FOR BREAKFAST??
Lil’ Jon: Oh, thank you for clarifying, my good man. I beg your pardon, I was struck with a rather abrupt case of unilateral hearing impairment at the turn of the century, and couldn’t quite comprehend your inquiry. Now, given the opportunity to select one comestible for the meal which is antecedent (and, according to many nutritionists, champion to) all others, I’m not certain I could - you see, variety is the spice of life, and in that sense, I like my spices spicy, if you know what I mean, good sir. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THROW YOUR FUCKIN BOTTLES UP!!!!
Lil’ Wayne: (I was unable to acquire a personal interview with Lil’ Wayne, but he did manage to somehow turn up and get a few words in on 82% of all other people’s answers. I'm also unsure whether he acutally eats food, since he is not a human being.)
Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony: Wake up, wake up, wake up, it’s the first of da month, andthenwegottaeatsomebreakfastsowestartthatshitoutwithscramblingsomeeggsthen
(Unfortunately, at this point, I was unable to take notes fast enough to write down the rest of their response.)
DMX: Don’t do that shit. Breakfast is for pussies. I’m way too fucking hard for it. ARF ARF WHERE MY DOGS AT
Dr. Dre: Shit, I been eatin’ breakfast since you were still suckin’ on yo mama’s tits, and don’t listen to dem haters, ain’t a damn thing changed: we still smokin’ that salmon.
Wu-Tang: Pork sausage links ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit.
Girl Talk: (Girl Talk’s answer was actually just “I like to eat my eggs over easy”, but he recruited 10 different people and had each one rap a different syllable of the sentence. Somehow, it was pulled off in absolutely perfect rhythm as the Grease soundtrack played in the background, and it was definitely cooler than Mike Posner.)
Ja Rule: Holla holla, all my bitches is ready to get, challah challah
Random bystander: Holy shit, Ja Rule is still alive? I just assumed he died 8 years ago.
Ja Rule: Fuck that, who’s dead now? (12th, 13th, and 14th gunshots of this year’s Source awards occur) IT’S MURDAAAAAAAAAA
Kanye West: Yo man, I’m really happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but lunch is one of the greatest meals of all time. Of all time!
Pitbull: I don’t believe in eating just one thing. I prefer to tell it it’s the only one, then cheat on it with 17 other breakfasts. CALLE OCHO, VAMONOS
Ludacris: I pack more nuts than Delta airlines.
(Sadly, Ludacris walked away to go have sex with 6 girls and pound crown and cokes before I could get him to clarify what exactly this meant for his breakfast.)
Master P: Make ‘em say TOOOOOOOOOOOOAST, and ba-na-nas
Nas: All I need is one Mike... and Ike.
Me: You eat candy for breakfast?
Nas: Breakfast is dead.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense.
Nas: If I ruled the world, (imagine that), I’d eat scrambled eggs
Nelly: Gotta get some a dem country style biscuits to go wit my country grammar, know what I’m sayin’? Now, a question for you: have you seen Garth Brooks? I gotta go sing some more sick slow duets. And why the hell y’all questionin’ my street cred lately?
T.I.: Prison grub.
Outkast: I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, OOOO, I am for reeeeal, never meant to burn your home fries, I apologize a trillion times.
Diddy: I pack more nuts than Delta airlines.
Me: Uh... I’m pretty sure Ludacris already had that exact same response.
Diddy: Yea, but this time, it’s the remix. I can’t wait to get to the studio and throw some sick 70’s music in the background while I say that.
Sean Paul: Ya mon, I be a tep haw hiah gonweh pina pan ALL DAY LONG, she eeya mah zoo baare con ellaleo nayin’ TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN
(Despite asking several nearby translators, nobody could understand more than 10% of what Sean Paul was saying.)
Young Jeezy: Inside fish sticks, outside tartar sauce. Pocket full of celery, imagine what she tellin’ me. Blowin’ on asparagus, realest shit I ever smoked. Ridin’ to that Trap or Die, realest shit I ever wrote. They know I got that broccoli, so I keep that glock on me.
Me: So... you eat fish sticks, tartar sauce, celery, asparagus, and broccoli for breakfast?
Young Jeezy: What? Sorry, didn’t hear your question. I was just singing Put On.
Side note: best part of that last video? The fact that they censor "broccoli" and "asparagus" in the clean version. Proving, as we always suspected, that vegetables are bad news.
