The Ancients Were Morons

Many people look back on ancient “advanced” civilizations with awe and wonder. Unfortunately, upon doing some research, the only thing I can wonder is why everybody was so stupid back then. I mean, we’re talking about people who took thousands and thousands of years to invent the freaking wheel, which is pretty much just “step 1: find round thing, step 2: put stuff on it.”

For further evidence of how incredibly idiotic these people were, I’d like to break down some famous ancient “advice” and share the analysis with you.

“The early bird gets the worm.”

Ever eaten a worm before? Neither have I, but I’m pretty sure they’re disgusting… unless, of course, it’s smothered in BBQ sauce. Everything tastes good if you put enough BBQ sauce on it.

“Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.”

Due to the fact that I have size 13 feet, listening to this advice probably just changes my thoughts from “that guy sucks” to “that guy sucks and now my feet hurt.”

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

There’s two possibilities here: either you’re holding a live bird in your hand, in which case it’s probably pecking the crap out of you until your hands bleed more than the evil sensei in Karate Kid after he punches the window, or you’re walking around carrying a dead bird, in which case you’re a sick bastard. Either way, I’d rather have two birds chillin in a bush outside. Although, this seems like a good spot to point out that I’ve never understood people who love the sounds of birds chirping in the morning… all I can hear is “CHIRP CHIRP WAKE UP TWEET TWEET I’MA WAKE YOUR ASS UP WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO SLEEP IN CHIRP TWEET HAHA SUCKS FOR YOU CHIRP CHIRP!”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Yea… but only if you’re using the apples to throw them at the doctor, in which case you’re screwed once you get sick, since he’s not going to want to help you.

“Quitters never win, winners never quit.”

Well, that’s just great. Let’s just get the whole damn world smoking cigarettes now.

This guy sure as hell ain't no quitter.

“Kill two birds with one stone.”

Clearly, the ancients didn’t have PETA around to get on their asses screaming at them for killing nature, and probably getting them imprisoned for 16^th Degree Animal Assault or something.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.”

This one just has too many examples to count, but for now, try thinking of the man who gets his ass kicked by Mike Tyson in a bar fight, then decides “I can probably take him if I try harder this time!” and throws his fists up at him again the next night… think he succeeds? Besides, I always liked “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you” better anyway, although I have no idea where it originated from.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Actually, actions don’t speak at all… that’s just dumb. The only way it makes sense is if the action is “yelling into a megaphone”, which the idiots hadn’t invented yet anyway.

“Curiosity killed the cat.”

Actually, I’m pretty sure the name of that speeding SUV was “Suburban”, not “Curiosity.”

Now, I don’t want you all to be depressed after hearing this many pathetic quotes in a row, so I’m going to take a moment before the conclusion to share my favorite quote of the week, which came from a lunch at Panera…

JB: “There’s a lot of old people here.”

Me: “Yea, I noticed that.”

JB: “I hope no one dies. That would really ruin this cup of coffee.”

It may not be advice, but it’s a hell of a lot wiser than anything these old fogey clowns said. From the year 2006 (also known as “The Year of the People Who Are Way Smarter than Ancient Dumbasses” in the Chinese calendar), this is Meyer, reminding you that the email is meyercolumn@gmail.com, not the firstname.lastname Conn emails, signing off.

Thoughts from a Gingerkid

Random thoughts from two big nights of TV, featuring National League Championship Series, two football games, and XXX (the highly believable and realistic action movie, not porn):

The only thing worse than Scott Spiezio’s stupid dyed red quasi-goatee is the fact that a blonde girl in the stands who could be really hot is wearing a fake one, completely ruining her face. Speaking of hot girls in the stands, I think my goal in life is to be the cameraman whose job consists of “keep your camera on and stare at the hot girls in the crowd for the next 20 minutes, so that at some point, we can cut to a shot of her for 2 seconds.” It’s like professional ogling, but with more celebrity sightings.

Squirrels are the sluts of the animal world… the only thing they care about is finding some good nuts.

The announcers just informed me that some players will pull up their socks to try to change things for the better. As opposed to, you know, trying to actually hit the ball for once instead of just swinging and missing.

“I just can’t like a sport where you can chew tobacco while you’re playing it. It’s so stupid.” -Julia’s thoughts on baseball. She’s given plenty of insightful analysis so far, including informing me that Anthony Reyes looks like Bert from Sesame Street.

True fact: Vin Diesel has the largest bicep-to-hair ratio in the world.

I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Killing moths always creeps me out. There’s never any blood or organs or anything… it always just looks like dust. Imagine being a flying misshapen ball of dust.

(Note: if you can imagine this with ease, you need should probably lay off the drugs for a bit.)

More eye-opening truths of the game from the announcers: “when you get thrown out at a base, that’s the best baserunning play you can make.” I don’t know, Tim… personally, I think “being safe” is a better play.

Why did CBS even bother showing a Dolphins-Jets game today? They might as well just show an office flag football game… the level of talent is about the same. Speaking of which, if we took 40 random people off the street and put them in Oakland Raiders uniforms, would anybody notice?

Apparently, Shawn Green’s nickname is “Gumby”, which begs the question: is there a less intimidating name for a lanky professional athlete than Gumby? He just struck out. Maybe if he changes his name to something like “asskicker” or “the lethal weapon”, he’ll swing the bat within a foot of the ball next time.

Random announcement (although, at this point, I should probably just be announcing the times that I have coherent thoughts with a theme instead of the random ones... I’d save myself a lot of work), because I promised Jonny P. I’d mention his team this week… Hey, Yankees and Red Sox fans! Sad that your teams spent 40 gazillion dollars but still couldn’t make it this far? Want to see how a REAL baseball team plays? Come to Club Baseball’s home game this Sunday.

If the Broncos beat the Raiders by less than 20 points, can we just say it’s embarrassing that the game was that close, and give them a loss in the official record books?

Watching St. Louis hit a home run, followed by a little logo popping up to show that the replay is brought to us by DirecTV, basically ensures that not only will I never switch to satellite TV, but I’m going to go buy a bag of rocks to throw at any satellite dishes I can find later tonight.

Joe Theismann, while talking about the Colts’ three best players in past years, just informed me that Edgerrin James “was part of the threesome in Indianapolis.” Why do phrases like this always seem to come from announcers recently? Shouldn’t someone whose job is essentially public speaking be more aware of what they are saying? I just can’t imagine Lincoln accidentally saying “Four nights and one 69-score ago…”

Best part about being Scott Player (the Arizona’s punter): your work attire is “football jersey that says PLAYER on the back.”

I think the league office should force the Cardinals to sign a quarterback named Pirate, just so he can throw touchdowns to Marcel Shipp that will read “TD: Pirate-Shipp” in the box score.

I’m out like Meatwad in an IQ contest.

funny headline.

Yet another suggestion for Webster’s 2007 dictionary: the Circle of Life, formerly known as “wise teaching of Mufasa”, will also be known as “eating while pooping.” Go ahead, make all the disgusted faces and noises you want… we both know you want to try it.

Has anybody seen the “Five Friendlies” that are the official mascots of the 2008 Olympics? I swear they’re teletubbies on steroids. Forget Major League Baseball… we need to start testing for performance-enhancing drugs on Mascots. And speaking of baseball, I hope you all noticed that the starting pitcher matchup for Dodgers-Mets recently was Lowe-Maine. (If you’re confused, call Golden Wok and ask them what they think of Lowe-Maine.)

Just once, I’d like to be watching a football game and hear the announcer say “The Toyota Halftime Show is brought to you by… FORD!”

CNN.com headline this afternoon: “Fake witch doctor shopped Wal-Mart, cops say”… so remember, next time you go to the witch doctor, make sure their bags are from Target.

More fun with headlines: “Multicolored bird hailed as new species”… somewhere in his grave, Jimi Hendrix is saying “see? I TOLD you I saw some crazy colored bird that one time backstage.”

I know I’ve discussed this before, but it’s worth saying again: Fall sucks. Every time I look out the window and put on a sweatshirt and pants, it’s 70 degrees. If I put on shorts and a tshirt, it’s 50 degrees. It’s like when someone walks up to you with a hand behind their back, and says “guess how many fingers I’m holding up?”, and you know they’re cheating but there’s nothing you can do about it, so you just take a guess, and you’re inevitably wrong. Fall is the cheating older sibling of the seasons.

Do people with bad lisps call the Thong Song the Thong Thong? Taking it a step further, has there ever been a Sisqo fan who said “my favorite thong is the thong thong”?

For those of you who missed it, North Korea made their big nuclear test recently, which is clearly just what they need. If they screw up and nuke themselves and kill off half their population, they just might have a shot at having enough food to feed the people who are left. Honestly, can you imagine someone like me living there? I think I’d be a threat to their national safety… I might eat 3/4 of the food supply in a one week vacation.

On a quick serious note, I said it last year, and I’ll say it again: Bocce ball should be a camelympic sport.

Is there a lamer name in professional sports than the Athletics? “We are athletes, so let’s call ourselves the Oakland Athletics!” I hope their owner buys an NFL team, just so I can root for the Los Angeles People Who Play Professional Football For A Living.

Course pre-registration is coming up, so I figured I’d end this column by helping you all out by sharing four years of course knowledge that I’ve learned. First, always be sure to sign up for morning classes. Sure, they may start earlier, but you’ll be done earlier too. Second, art classes are your best friend. All you have to do is draw pictures, how hard could it be? If I had a three year old brother, the pictures he drew would already be hanging on the fridge at home, and my mom would already be telling him how great his pictures were… if he can do it, you can too. Finally, be sure to only take classes that sound miserable and incredibly hard, like Biomolecular Quantum Chemical Analysis III. That way, it always ends up being better than you expected, since it can’t be any worse, so you’ll be happy with how it turned out.

There you have it: great advice for signing up for classes. I swear, it’s not just me keeping you the hell away from anything I want to sign up for so it doesn’t fill up…

Las Vegas is Spanish for... The Vegas

After spending Fall Break in Las Vegas, the constant bombardment of stimulus has me full of thoughts and observations on traveling, Vegas, and other random things, so I’m not going to waste any time this week with boring concepts like “introductions” and “conclusions”. In the words of 50 Cent, “This ain’t no *#&%)@% 5 paragraph essay, &#%!!! G-g-g-G-g-g-GGGGGuuuuuuNIIIIIT!”

For an extended (and unedited) version of this column, surf your way over to http://meyercolumn.blogspot.com. If you don’t know how to surf, boogey board. If you don’t know how to boogey board, I don’t want you reading my column anyway.

Few things are more uncomfortable than pooping in a public airport stall with a broken lock and a door that’s too far away already. You have to attempt to lean forward far enough to reach the door, but not so far as to poop on the floor (or on your pants around your ankles.) It’s possibly the most challenging event I’ve ever encountered.

Is it possible to go to an airport without seeing someone dressed in a matching velour sweatsuit, and where are these people in everyday life? Why do airports bring them out? It’s kind of like going home for fireworks on 4^th of July, and all the rednecks who live in the woods that you only see once a year suddenly appear to watch things go boom.

No matter how many times it happens, I’m always amused by someone I’m with saying “Don’t worry… I’m a limo driver!” as we walk down the tunnel to get on the plane.

Actual conversations while flying over the middle of the country:

“My God… I have never seen that much flatness.”

“At least there’s a lake.”

“I think that’s a cesspool.”

“Whatever, it’s got a beach.”

“No wonder people out here have accents… they need something to entertain themselves.”

Plane arrival estimated times have more padding than an embarrassed late blooming 16 year old girl.

Vivaaaaa Las Vegas

Whoever had the idea to put a phone in the bathroom is a genius. Think of the increase in efficiency: while you’re pooping out one meal, you can call room service and place your order for the next one. More brilliant than a Guinness ad.

Lewis Black is angrier than Student Life after I make roofie jokes in a column.

Las Vegas is basically a 24/7 Floralia, but with a hell of a lot more lights. Exhibit A: walking down the sidewalk at noon, beer bottle in hand, and strolling by two cops who just smile and wave (which, by the way, made me feel more awkward than Hitler giving a guest speech in Boca Raton.) Exhibit B: waking up and going to breakfast before 10 AM, and ordering chicken tenders, mini cheeseburgers, and a 24 oz. beer… and not even drawing a strange look or any hesitation at all.

If I had to sit in one room for the rest of my life, it would come down to two places: either Jessica Alba’s bedroom, or the Mandalay Bay Sports Book. There’s too much about it to put in words, but I will say that few things are more entertaining than watching an entire room of grown men erupt in ecstatically joyful applause at a touchdown in a football game that still had a 9 point difference with 12 seconds left, just because the betting line was 9.5 and their bets were now covered by a meaningless score.

Despite popular belief, Sean Paul does not speak English. I will not argue this fact.

I always thought that the way casinos worked was the young attractive girls became cocktail waitresses, while everyone else became dealers, security guards, and cashiers. Then I went to the MGM Grand, where I saw two waitresses who were older than my mother, but still wore the skimpy cocktail waitress uniform. Which brings up the obvious question of “what the fuck?” Did the MGM Grand not get the memo? I hear they also don’t put cover sheets on their TPS reports.

Suicidal people should be taken to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse so they can realize the joy and happiness of life, in the form of a gigantic juicy steak. Unless they’re vegetarians… in which case, good riddance.

The World Carnival Buffet at the Rio is so big, even Kobayashi can’t eat the whole thing… and that’s saying something. And speaking of gigantic, did you know that Caesar’s Palace takes up more space on a map than the USSR did in the 80’s?

The cabdriver told me that Las Vegas is the #1 city in the world, and I just kept waiting for him to say “It’s a fact.”

At one point this weekend, Michael Jackson came on the casino speakers. I immediately shifted all my roulette chips and bet everything on ODD. And just in case you were wondering: Billie Jean is not my lover.

I’ve noticed that the word “cashew” is simply a combination of “cash” and “ew.” Therefore, I propose that from now on, we call communists cashews, since they don’t want money.

Some people have two first names… and then there’s Anderson Cooper, who got stuck with two last names and no first name.

What’s up with restaurants that have incredibly good-looking servers in the front, but when you go sit down for your meal, your waiter is a 60 year old man? It’s eerily reminiscent of seeing the awesome trailer for X3, only to arrive at the theater for a huge disappointment.

“Dry heat” is bullshit. I don’t care how dry it is; 90 degrees is fucking hot.

While watching football this weekend, I noticed that the only starter smiling in his picture was a man named R. Kelly, proving that Fox employs 14 year olds as their photographers.