You Are What You Eat... You Stupid Turkey

Before any animal rights hippies start telling me turkeys aren’t stupid… you’re wrong. Turkeys are morons. My house is frequently visited by packs of turkeys, and they are dumber than Harry and Lloyd combined. I chase them away and throw tennis balls at them, and all they do is keep coming back and rubbing their asses back and forth in the sand, making little craters in the ground, which I assume is their way of saying “eat me eat me eat me!!”, so I do.

The Turkey: Nature's Dumbass.

It has come to my attention that several urgent issues have not been addressed by the campus community. Perhaps people are too afraid to talk about such sensitive subjects, but I am willing to take a stand and publicly state that they need fixing. In fact, I believe correcting these two issues is crucial to our aspirations to move up the college rankings.

Issue Numero Uno: People who put my laundry in the wrong place. If you walk into the laundry room, and there is only one load of laundry in sight (in the dryer), and only one basket in the room, and it’s sitting right in front of the dryer, put the damn clothes in the basket. Don’t put them on top of the dryer, or if you do, at least be considerate enough to wipe off the mix of dust, lint, dirt, detergent, and semen that’s probably built up there before you throw clothes on top of it.

Issue Numero Dos-o: Fast food line etiquette. Thanks to Dave for suggesting this one. Nothing is more annoying (other than the new stains on my freshly-cleaned laundry) than standing behind someone in the fast food line who knows you’re there, and after they’re done taking their sweet ass time selecting the four most perfect French fries (at a rate of approximately 17 seconds per fry)… and once they finally finish, they shut the doors and put the tongs back in the bucket. Just hand me the damn tongs before I chop your hands off and take them from you.

As great as the food is at Thanksgiving, it’s really special because it’s a family holiday, which means we get conversations like this…
Me: “Did you guys see they’re making Rocky 6?”
Dad: “No… what’s he gonna do, wheel his way into the ring?”

Drago wants to know when he gets his own spinoff.

As long as we’re talking about Thanksgiving… if all of us eat a ton on Thanksgiving, what do you think a competitive eater like Takeru Kobayashi does? I bet he takes the day off and eats a small salad.

Many people think Hell is a place full of fiery infernos and screaming souls. They’re wrong. After much research (also known as “driving through Newark”), I have figured it out. Hell is sitting in Thanksgiving day traffic with no scenery other than the crappy ass Newark skyline on the way to a packed airport full of all sorts of absurd security measures and cavity searches to catch a plane that will take you to the DMV. And on a side note, has anyone ever noticed that Newark is strangely familiar? Well, I figured that out too: every time you see some post-apocalypse movie, I’m pretty sure the crappy, destroyed, awful-looking earth is just a cameraman walking by Newark.

More fun family quotes from the Holidays: “I wonder how people from Turkey feel about this holiday. We’re eating their country.”

Louisiana Tech’s starting quarterback is named Champion… but they still suck. Which raises the question: if their quarterback was named Massive Douchebag, would they be #1 in the country?

Speaking of college football, while watching the BC-Miami game, a commercial came on for a college. My cousin pointed out that it has to be a BC commercial, because Miami easily could have found a hotter girl, and because the University of Miami isn’t a real university anyway and wouldn’t have academic commercials. Immediately following this, a Miami commercial came on, which basically consisted of 30 seconds of random flashing images of things like helicopters and buildings, ending with a hot girl (who turned out to be a celebrity alumnus) smiling and saying what a great school it was. Priceless timing.

“No Child Left Behind” my ass… didn’t anyone ever see Home Alone?

If I owned a TV network, every time Eli Manning threw one of his ridiculous lobs downfield, I’d make sure the station played the “woooOOOOOOOOOOoooo” pop fly noise from R.B.I. Baseball. And if the receiver dropped it, the “doink” error noise would play.

Even more fun holiday quotes, this time from a guy named Forrest talking about a woman named Charmin: “At least I was named after the movie came out. Was she named before or after the toilet paper?”

No animals were harmed in the making of this column.