For more than three years, I’ve been thinking about how much I hate paying to do laundry. Why would I pay for something that I don’t enjoy doing? I wouldn’t walk up to a carpenter and give him 20 bucks to pound my hand with his hammer, or pay a professor 10 dollars to let me take an exam. Then I realized: I’m not paying for my laundry… I’m spending money to make sure I don’t put my ID through the washer/dryer, and have to spend another 15 bucks on a new one. I’m fairly confident that the only reason I haven’t run my ID through the laundry is because I am required to take it out of my pocket and put it in the machine to turn the damn thing on.
Watching football highlights with some friends the other night, we began to wonder… what does Chris Berman sound like when he’s having sex? Does he continue making his missed-the-tackle noises, as in “oh yes, that’s it… WOP! WOP! and he... could… go… all… the… way… JACKED UP! WOP!”
After witnessing a girl down the hall go on a drunken online shopping spree, only to wake up the next morning and realize she was down a couple hundred bucks, I’ve decided that computers should have breathalyzers that require you to be below a .08 if you’re going to purchase anything online. In fact, while we’re at it, let’s extend the breathalyzer to AIM as well, and say you have to be under a certain level to talk to any of your ex’s after one in the morning.
Every single time I’ve had a religion test this semester, I’ve had a government test the same week. Separation of church and state my ass…
I have two thoughts on Borat. First, I had really been looking forward to the release of this movie for months, and it lived up to expectations. Second, I am really not looking forward to the months that will follow, where everybody does crappy imitations of his accent as they say “nice!” 472 times a day. This could be worse than the Napoleon Dynamite “gosh!” craze, which almost caused me to go Van Gogh on myself just so I wouldn’t have to hear it anymore.
You are not this man. Please, for the sake of us all, stop trying.
In case you missed it, Kevin Federline and Britney Spears broke up this week, and just for you people out there who say things like “putting random paragraphs that aren’t related next to each other isn’t good writing, it has no flow” (also known as “playa hataz in the suburbs-that-think-they’re-the-hood), I’m going to combine the last two stories. Kevin Federline is a genius along the lines of Sacha Baron Cohen. He has everyone thinking he’s a character (sleazy trailor trash moron), but he’s been playing us all. Look at his life thus far: hang out, sleep with Britney when she was “Britney: Hottest Girl Alive”, get rich, get divorced once Britney gets trashy, and probably take a ton of money with him from it. I think he’s secretly an intellectual genius, and he’s been spending the last four years or so just messing with us.
The new Playstation 3 commercial with the crying plastic baby is creepier than Michael Jackson, spiders, Lindsay Lohan’s anorexic-crackhead look, and The Hills Have Eyes combined. Speaking of Miss Lohan, my friend Mike has created a theory that she rubbed anti-gravity cream on her skin, and it caused her to collapse on herself… as strange as it sounds, I think I might agree with him. Anyway, based solely on this commercial, I refuse to buy it anytime soon. Well, actually, the 500 dollar price tag might have something to do with it too…
If you are what you eat, why don’t we all just eat mussels all the time?
While flipping through channels the other day, I noticed Dominoes was on TV, which is strange enough in itself… but then, upon watching for a few moments, I saw something truly amazing: an instant replay of someone picking a domino out of his pile, and placing it on the board. An instant replay!! I hope some day, if there’s ever a documentary made of me, they pick random boring events like that to show instant replays of. Perhaps we could see a slow-motion replay of me making the last pull on my shoelaces to tie them, or even some of those insane and unnecessary special effects from sports shows showing me point the remote towards the TV to change the channel off of this ridiculous domino show.
I’m out like the Republicans in the House.
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