Global Warming: Disaster or Blessing?

Global warming this, global warming that… I’m sorry, Mr. Gore, but I just don’t understand why you keep complaining. As I walked to class on this delightfully warm afternoon, wearing pants and a t-shirt on the first day of November, I began to wonder... why is everyone so worried about global warming? We always hear the nonsensical arguments of ski-fanatics and pessimistic doomsday prophets, so I think it’s about time someone stood up for this wonderful phenomenon. With that said, I bring you five good reasons why you should be even more excited for global warming than I was when I discovered my cabbie in NYC last weekend was named Roc Joc. And believe me, I was pretty damn excited.

Global warming cancels out the dreaded nuclear winter. Terrified of a nuclear war with North Korea? Worried that your ski house’s property value is going to plummet once the whole world becomes cold enough to ski in year-round? Don’t worry… here comes your good buddy, Global “Economically Friendly” Warming, just in time to cancel out the nuclear winter!

Every day is a beach day. Ah, the beach… the soothing sunlight, the relaxing waves, the calm breeze… isn’t it just so peaceful? Personally, I prefer a beach full of bocce ball, frozen drinks, and scantily clad beach volleyball players… but whatever your fancy is, now, imagine you could go there every day of the year. We can even get rid of those pesky tiny islands of Hawaii and their pineapple arrogance, since we’ll have a much bigger and cooler (but still just as warm) island known as The American Continents, with way more beaches.

Global warming raises the public’s political awareness and increases voting. Shout-out to Chrissie for sharing this brilliant idea with me… With global warming around, we’d have far more natural disasters. Now, turn your eyes away from all the atrocious damage Katrina caused for a minute, and look at the end result: people became concerned with the way the government handled it, and decided to start paying more attention to politics to make themselves more aware so they could vote more responsibly and bring about a positive change. If this happened every week, the 12 surviving people at the end of the year would be incredibly aware of their desolate and demolished surroundings. Plus, with any luck, we’d knock out whatever buildings are responsible for all the crappy reality TV that’s on every night.

People would look more attractive. It’s a well-known fact that the world is more fun when people are wearing less clothing. Think about it… would you rather look at Jessica Alba wearing a bikini in Into the Blue, or wearing a massive fur coat in Siberia Is Cold: A Documentary on Russia’s Vast and Boring Territory?

Here at I Have ADD, we don't pass up excuses to post pictures of Jessica Alba.

We’d find all the terrorists. It’s also a known fact (or a stereotype that I’m too lazy to research and be corrected on) that terrorists all live in caves in the middle of the hot desert. But what happens once their caves get even hotter? Even the most determined fanatic can’t survive in a 394 degree cave (which, incidentally, is the same temperature as the old plex bathrooms in the summer; before going there, I’d never stood in the shower looking at the floor, wondering whether more of the water was water from the faucet or sweat dripping off me.) Basically, we’d be flushing them out of their caves like stools down the toilet. Although, as an alternative, I suppose we could always just have helicopters fly around with gigantic speakers blasting London Bridge and Sexyback… once they started echoing around the caves, they’d have no choice but to flee from their cover.

There you have it: five damn good reasons why I’m excited for global warming. Until next time, I’m Andrew Meyer, asking all of you readers: is Hillary Duff really hot, or does she look like she’s 12? Because I watched A Cinderella Story from start to finish this summer trying to figure it out, and 90 minutes later, was just as baffled as I was when I started. Feel free to write in and submit your thoughts to help me in my efforts to become unconfused (meyercolumn@gmail.com, as always.)