"Le Random" is French for "Sexy"

On a note you won't be reading in the paper, I had planned on taking an hour or so to write this column Thursday after classes, but then I got hungry and went to Acropolis instead, so it was pumped out in about 20 minutes just on time to make the paper this week. Therefore, I take no responsibility if it sucks more than a 5 dollar Vietnamese prostitute standing on the street corner saying "me love you long time, me so horny!"

I can’t wait for the day that a beer company sues Wheaties for copyright infringement. This has to be happening soon, for two reasons: one, everybody sues everybody these days, and two, we all know beer is the true “Breakfast of Champions.”

The 6^th Rocky movie comes out in about a month. The Rocky Series: 6 movies, countless fight scenes, and approximately 3 blocked punches total. Seriously, other than any Rocky movie, has there ever been a less realistic sports movie that somehow isn’t ridiculed for its sports scenes? The boxing fights in Rocky are like making a football movie, but in every scene, the quarterback throws the ball 30 yards down field underhand to a receiver who catches with his elbows and hopscotches his way down the field.

Speaking of football, I noticed recently that in addition to having numbers, the referees also have a couple letters on their uniforms to let us know their specific role. For example, the head referee has an R. That being said, I think the NFL should mandate that all Back Judges be number 69, just so I can giggle like the mature adult that I am every time I see BJ 69 call an unnecessary roughness penalty.

On a related note, the government should officially rename the city of Chicago to “Da”, just so we can officially have a team called Da Bears.

Just change that C to a D, and we're all set. It could also stand for Ditka.

If you hate reading, Borders is more like Boreders.

While washing my hands in the bathroom recently next to a girl who brought her own soap, I couldn’t help but wonder why. Isn’t the primary purpose of soap to get your hands clean? And if so, since the dirt ends up on your skin (as opposed to the inside of your hands), isn’t the school’s corrosive and abrasive soap that basically rips off the top layer of your skin the most effective way to get clean hands, since the dirt comes off with it?

It’s only been a week and a half, but we can already see the massive changes the country is making due to Democrats taking over Congress. For example, just two weeks ago, my room was full of red solo cups from the night before… but as I glance around right now at the mess from last night that is yet to be cleaned up, all I see is plenty of blue Bud Light and Busch Light cans. And yes, I do still believe that George W. Bush should go by Busch Light.

I am sick and tired of people using the same crappy categories to get me out in Kings. For those of you who aren’t clear, good categories include types of beer, types of cereal, Crayola crayon box colors, baseball teams, cigarette brands, and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. Bad categories include tampon brands, fashion designers, and saying “sides of a coin” when I’m the person with the 3^rd turn.

If I ruled the world, a new channel would be created, that would have the exclusive rights to Grey’s Anatomy, the O.C., America’s Next Top Model, and Project Runway. It would show nothing but these shows, all day, every day… and our campus would not receive it, making me a far happier person, since I’d never have to worry that my crappy ass semi-working remote would mess up while I was flipping channels and leave me stuck with it.