The other day, I was walking down the street on my way to lunch, and somebody asked me “Andrew, what’s the meaning of life?” I thought that question was pretty damn stupid, but I did decide that they deserved an answer, so I just gave them a few random ones, including “1492”, “3.14159”, and “4 logs” (with the corresponding random questions being “When did Columbus sail the ocean blue?”, “What are the first 6 digits of pi?”, and “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?”, obviously.)
Moving on to questions that aren’t stupid, what makes a good movie? I decided to do my best Geraldo Rivera impression and investigate. Then I realized I don’t particularly like Geraldo, so I decided to do my best cookie impression instead, since I love cookies. However, this plan managed to fail as well, after I bit my left hand off. So, I slowly type the rest of this column with one hand, impersonating only myself. And yes, I am aware of how close that last sentence sounds to some sort of masturbation joke, you pervert. Anyway, let's break it down like a '84 Crapmobile.
Death Count
There’s two types of deaths in a movie: random people who have no lines (other than possibly “AUGHHH” or “I’VE BEEN SHOT!”), and main characters. On a side note, this seems like a good spot to point out that one of the few goals I have in life is to some day have my own IMDB page with a credit like “Man #7 in ice cream shop” or “Velociraptor victim #4.” Anyway, while watching Stallone mow down 500 people in a Vietnamese Jungle is always entertaining, the death of characters who actually possess linguistic abilities can be hit or miss. Obviously, the hero killing villains is always good, and made even better if he lets out a corny line afterwards (think Arnold saying “Let out some steam” after throwing the steaming pipe through a man’s chest in Commando), but sometimes we’re forced to sit through tear-jerkers, so named because they make you cry at the fact that your manhood is shriveling up and dying as you’re being forced to watch some sappy piece of crap just so you can get in that girl who dragged you there’s pants after the movie. Any death that’s designed to make the viewer feel for the surviving characters is a bigger downer than looking at before and after pictures of Britney – with the exception being a death that pisses off the badass, take-no-prisoners hero, creating 30 minutes of mayhem in which every bad guy and manatee is shot by his gun that somehow fires 900 times without reloading, probably because the gun is so manly that it actually grows a beard if not fired every 20 seconds. Luckily, it never comes close to reaching that time. For those of you scoring this game at home, the movie gets:
+.1 for each random bad guy killed.
-5 for any death in which the girl next to you sheds visible tears (nullified by +5 if you manage to steal some of her food when her eyes are too blurry to notice.)
+4 for a scene where the hero’s friend/family member/wife/hot intern he’s been sleeping with dies, followed by him kneeling over the body in the rain, with the camera zooming in as he slowly raises his head and makes a menacing stare so determined, it makes you get goosebumps of anticipation as you await the inevitable “hero going to hidden ammo stockpile” where, despite the fact that he’s been retired for 6 years, he’s stocked up enough ammo to take on the Nazis, Communists, and Mongols all at the same time. On a sidenote, that last sentence makes me wonder two things: 1) why the fuck are they called “goosebumps”? If my bumps aren’t quacking, just call them bumps… although if they were quacking, that would be pretty cool. 2) If Genghis Khan was alive circa 1945, would he have single-handedly defeated both Hitler and Stalin’s armies with the help of just 4 horses, 3 sidekicks, a bow and arrow, and a mildly sharp stick? I say “yes.”
+2 for each corny line that makes you simultaneously shout “YES!” and crack up, followed by choking to death from attempting to laugh, talk, and eat popcorn simultaneously, but being revived just in time by somebody who knows CPR.
+3 if that person is Wendy Peppercorn.
-4 if you call yourself American but don’t know who Wendy Peppercorn is.
Included Actors (points for each):
+7 for Dwayne Johnson
-7 if you don’t know that Dwayne Johnson is “The Rock.” If I was in charge of higher education, facts like this would be prioritized approximately 782 slots ahead of “calculus.”
+5 for Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwartrzterartenegar, pre-94 years old
-5 for Stillold or Ahnold, post-94 years old
+4 for Vin Diesel
+20 for Dolph Lundgren. On a side note, feel free to use the newest feature of the site: Ask Dolph. More on this in the sidebar.
For those of you wondering, Adam Sandler gets a randomly assigned number between -10 and +20. If movies were sports, Adam Sandler would be the modern Brett Favre (not to be confused with Favre in his prime) – Sometimes he manages to rifle the ball 400 miles per hour and squeeze it through 4 defenders to throw some of the most amazing passes you’ve ever seen (Billy Madison); other times, he rolls out, chucks up a lame duck that’s nowhere within 20 yards of any Packer, and everybody in the stands wonders what the hell just happened and wants their money back (Mr. Deeds.) The difference, of course, is that when Favre screws up, the announcers blame everyone else; when Sandler screws up, everybody talks about how much he sucks. And as long as we’re playing the actor-athlete relation game, Jason Statham is clearly Robert Horry: a solid contributor to every film/team, always making it better, but not getting much attention until the last couple years, when Horry became Big Shot Bob and Statham starred in the Transporter movies.
+1 each for Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Luke Wilson, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Steve Carrell, and Paul Rudd… but only if there’s at least 3 of them in the movie.
Comedic Value
Everybody loves a funny movie, and if they don’t, they should. Basic ratings for comedy are as follows:
+.3 for every genuinely funny joke
+1 for any line funny and catchy enough to be used at random times in conversations and actually make people laugh (think Anchorman)
-1 for any line that, while originally funny, has been used so many times that it’s essentially been beaten 19 feet into the ground with a sledgehammer at this point (think Napoleon Dynamite, idiot!)
+.2 for any slapstick moment that involves someone getting hurt for a cheap laugh
Setting
Setting can make or break a movie. If you don’t believe that, think about it: Open Water could have been the most thrilling movie in the history of mankind, but I just refuse to see a movie that involves people treading water in the middle of the fucking ocean the whole time. And it even had sharks in it, which are pretty much the most badass animal not named “grizzly.” At the same time, the first Lord of the Rings movie had a plot that essentially went like this: people walking around, people walking around, people walking around some more, people walking around but now we’re calling it hiking, people hiking a little more, people hiking with legs that must be tired by now, wizard falling off a bridge, spend another 9 bucks to find out what happens next… and it actually holds your attention.
-5 for any setting that takes place in one stupid place the whole time (Open Water, Phone Booth.) On a side note, this was the hardest rule for me to make, as I did enjoy Clerks. Which is why I’m creating the next rule to balance it out…
+5 for any movie title that’s 6 letters long, starts with “C”, and ends with “lerks”.
+1 for each scene where you look around and say “holy crap I want to go there.”
Eye Candy
Just as with death count, there’s 2 types of eye candy: the Angelina Jolie type, who is actually an attractive main character, and the Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift type, where the director says “there’s only two people talking in this scene, but I have a 500 square foot parking lot… I wonder how many hot extras I can cram into one frame?” Unlike death count, both of these things add to the movie. I mean, it’s not real life… if there’s going to be people whose entire role consists of “stand in the background and look pretty”, they might as well take it literally and pick pretty people, right?
+5 for each attractive lead female (or male, depending on what gender/sexuality you are)
Another +5 if that lead is Jessica Alba, the M&M of candies: simply the best. And as long as we’re playing that game, taking a more literal approach, I guess the Olsen Twins would be Twix, and some ugly woman would be Reeses Feces.
+.1 for each extra that draws your eye away from the character who’s actually doing something in the scene
Monkeys
A reader has requested that I “add something about monkeys [to my next column.] They are universally appealing and funny.”
+1 for every monkey, +2 if the monkey is curious, and +3 if it’s named Bobo the Monkey. I think all monkeys should be named Bobo the Monkey. And no, it can’t just be “Bobo”… it has to have “the Monkey” as well.
Miscellaneous
+8 for any musical montage of quick clips… whether it’s a sports team coming together, two friends bonding, or cops investigating all over town. Add another 5 if the song playing in the background is 80’s music. The cornier, the better.
That about wraps it up. I’m sure I’m missing things here, but I am le tired, so if you have any you’d like to suggest, feel free to write in with them and I’ll consider editing it. And I don’t mean the motherly “I’ll think about it” that you get when you say “Mom, can I have a rocket launcher for Christmas!?!?”
Peace out cub scouts.
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