I Love Lamp

I have to return to my A.D.D. roots this week and make it a list of random thoug- OH LOOK SHINY OBJECT!

Reports on the news have said that Mel Gibson is “Not a bigot”, and didn’t really mean those comments. In other news, the Grand Dragon of the KKK announced earlier today “hey guys, I was just kidding! I love blacks and Jews! Haha, boy did I fool you guys!”

While I had originally planned on moving to Atlanta after college – it’s got warm weather, Chick Fil-a, Waffle House, and three major sports teams (four if you count the Hawks), and a cool nickname (ATL) – I think I’m actually going to move to Belgium instead, where my diet will consist entirely of Belgian Waffles and Stella Artois.

Upon watching the classic (and deeply intellectual) Major League 2 recently, I had several thoughts. This caused an intense headache, as I’m not exactly used to doing things like “thinking.” Anyway, thoughts:

1) What were Jack Parkman’s numbers in the American League Championship Series? I’m guessing something like 24 for 25, 17 home runs, and 40 RBIs over the course of 5 games.

2) Ever notice that in baseball movies, the signs the catcher gives for pitches are things like “1 finger = fastball”, or “2 fingers = curveball”, but in real baseball, the symbol for fastball is something like “three fingers down, point 30 degrees to the left, grab crotch twice, do your best Happy Hands Club imitation, spell a couple words in sign lanauge, make a shadow puppet dog, clap three times, and flip the bird”? Why is this?

3) The girl who played Rebecca Flannery’s name is Alison Doody. Hehehe… “Doody.”

Major League 2... more classic than Casablanca and Gone With the Wind combined.

With College just weeks away, I have decided to learn from nature and be more like a bear. You see, before bears hibernate for the winter, they eat a ton of food. Similarly, before I head off to the Land of Non-free Snacks, I’m stockpiling Chewy Chips Ahoys and Tostitos in my stomach.

While looking at ESPN headlines this past week, I saw one that said “Wang hits two Devil Rays”, and was very entertained… then realized I had mis-read it, and it actually said “Wang two-hits Devil Rays.” I haven’t been this disappointed since the TV Guide said Caddyshack was on, but it was actually Caddyshit 2.

Sometimes people ask me why I don’t like wine. I tell them I’m not a whiner like them. And speaking of wine, my favorite line of the week comes from a lactose-intolerant friend, who, in the middle of her whining, before I could make a joke about it, said “and I can’t even have cheese with my whine! This sucks.”

Has anybody ever seen the word “lather” used in anything other than shampoo directions? I’m picturing a bunch of shampoo executives in an office, thinking “well… we need to make directions. What should we say? Take the shampoo and rub it all around your hair, rinse, repeat?”
“Hey, let’s just make up a word instead. How’s ‘lather’ sound?”
“Works for me.”

Apparently, ECW is on the SciFi channel now. For those of you who didn’t know, ECW is a WWE-owned wrestling league. Which begs the question… what the hell is pro wrestling doing on the SciFi channel? I guess it must be science, because we all know there’s no way wrestling is fiction. And on a side note, it may have been several years ago, but I’m still amused by the fact that a bunch of big badass wrestlers had to change their name from WWF to WWE because a few nature-lovers demanded it. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, the World Wildlife Federation sued them over the initials a while back.)

New York has recently put out an ad campaign against speeding, with the slogan “Obey the signs or pay the fines.” I like this rhyming slogan idea, and I think they should extend it to other aspects of life. For example, we could have anti-drug campaigns saying “Do hugs, not drugs.” Or, the slightly more effective “If you smoke pot, you’ll fucking get shot.” And don't forget folks, "Rape is for Apes."

While listening to the radio instead of doing work recently, I heard an ad for my company while I was sitting in their office. I took it as a sign… and that sign was “well, now seems like a good time for my lunch break.”

http://news.moneycentral.msn.com/provider/providerarticle.asp?Feed=AP&Date=20060801&ID=5895451

(Doesn’t even need a joke… it’s so stupid that it’s hilarious on its own.)

Ever notice that Wal*Mart always has about 30 checkout lines… but never has more than three lanes open?

CNN has reported that “Hezbollah pummeled northern Israel today with 190 rockets – the highest number in one day – killing a man riding a bicycle and wounding more than a dozen others, according to Israeli police.” Now, I’m not going to mock the situation there, and I think it’s awful that so many are dying… but that being said, honestly, how the hell can you shoot 190 rockets and only manage to kill one person? Who was manning the rocket launcher, Stevie Wonder?

In other news, CNN has also reported that “Scientists take step toward Obesity Vaccine”… also known as “Exercise.”

I’m finished like the loser in a game of Mortal Kombat.