Random Thoughts... Part Deux

Given the fact that I had a slow week at work, and therefore spent a decent amount of time just sitting there writing down random thoughts, does this mean I’m now a paid columnist? Anyway, while I’m not quite sure what a troduction is, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to be in one, so it’s time to dive (or cannonball… since that’s more fun anyway) right into this thing. More random thoughts:

In case you missed it, a man recently began with a red paper clip and, through a series of trades on craigslist, wound up with a house a year later. I don’t see why this is such a big deal… I had a friend who started out with just a broken condom and ended up with herpes, syphilis, AND gonorrhea, and it only took him one night.

Pete Coors (vice chairman of the beer place) was recently arrested for a DUI. Looks like we’ve found J.J. Redick’s first sponsor. But really, what if these situations happened more often? I can’t wait until the day when I open the New York Times and see the headline “PETA President Attacked by Snakes…on a Plane.”

A girl who’s wiser than me recently quoted a guy who’s wiser than her, saying “literature rehabilitates the imagination. Swings just make you want to get higher.” Well no wonder our youth is so messed up; they have drug paraphernalia sitting in their 3^rd grade playgrounds.

Isn’t it appropriate that the word “prostitute” has the word “tit” built right in?

When I walked in to get my haircut this week, my first thought was “wow, that kid getting his hair cut sure is preppy.” Immediately following the haircut, before even getting out of his chair, the first thing he did was pop his collar. I guess he had only folded it down so the hairs wouldn’t fall in…. because even collar poopers don’t have itchy necks. And yes, I spelled it that way on purpose. This kid was SO preppy… fine, don’t ask how preppy he was. I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna tell you anyway, asshole. He was so preppy, he made Carlton look like 50 Cent.

Actual headline from ESPN.com: “T.O. claims he was misquoted in autobiography.” I’m surprised nobody’s tried this as a legal defense yet. “Well, your honor, yes, I DID tell him I was going to kill him, but it’s only because I misquoted myself… I was trying to say that I really liked his new bicycle.

My friend Chris recently told me that male giraffes use their long necks as leverage, and often headbutt each other to the death over a female. After being suspicious at first, I looked it up. Not only is he correct about this amazing fact, but the website also taught me that “not everything about giraffes is big”… meaning their lungs, you pervert. Get your mind out of the gutter.

2 giraffes fighting to the death. Picture courtesy of National Geographic, June 2003 issue.

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves: the Desaguadero River connects two lakes… Lake Titicaca and Lake Poopo.

With an old music video on recently, it made me wonder… do you think the mute button was invented by a psychic who anticipated the career of Britney Spears?

This weekend, while looking at TV Guide, I discovered that CBS had an amazing schedule: Cycling at 1:00, followed by Auto Racing at 2:00! I haven’t been this excited since HBO decided to show Gigli and Glitter back-to-back. And why didn’t anybody tell me that CBS stood for Crappy Bad Shows?

Headline from CNN.com recently: “Obrador Calls for Mexico Recount.” Apparently, Obrador has demanded a full recount in Mexico’s presidential election. Interestingly, “Obrador” rhymes with “Al Gore.” Coincidence? I think not.

More CNN.com headlines: “Police: 911 isn’t a dating service.” Duh… it’s a pizza delivery service, obviously. Everybody knows that the dating service is 411.

Final thought of the day: Viacom owns both BET and CMT.... which I'm sure makes for some interesting company parties. How much would you pay to spend a night watching Garth Brooks and Tim McGraw interact with Redman and the Wu-Tang Clan?