Adventure

Choose Your Own Adventure – The College Years

Greetings, Zach Morris wannabees. Today is your lucky day. College can be a lot of fun, but decision-making can be tough. But like an Irish prostitute on St. Patty’s Day, you’re about to get lucky. The following is a choose your own adventure story – you remember them, don’t you? (If not, I bet you’re the type of person who thought Power Rangers were cooler than Ninja Turtles. Forget the sandbox; do us all a favor and go play in some quicksand.) Anyway, instead of being about babysitting some kids that make Dennis the Meance look like a Brady Bunch child or trying to pick the winning football play, this adventure takes you through a night on a college campus in Collegetown. Play your cards like Hellmuth, and you just may end up having a good time, although I’d be obliged to call you a whiney little bitch (who I wish I was making as much money as) in the process. Play them incorrectly, and great perils await. Not to be confused with great pearls. Just because Pirates of the Caribbean 2 was just released, doesn’t mean there’s any treasure around. In the words of the wisest of the Constitutional Convention leaders, “Enough of this preamble nonsense, let’s get to the fucking point already.” Just follow the numbers as directed, and start choosing your adventure.

1. It’s Thursday night, and you have a paper bigger than Godzilla due on Monday morning. (Speaking of Godzilla, what the hell was the deal with Mothra? What a stupid monster. Ever killed a moth? They don’t even bleed or anything… it’s just like a flying pile of dust. All you’d need is a giant dustbuster, and N’sync starts singing Bye Bye Bye to the annoying flying pest.) But I digress. Do you:

A) Stay in and go to bed earlier than a 3^rd grader on Ambien, so that you’re well rested for your busy weekend of studying: Go to #2

B) It’s called “Thirsty Thursday” for a reason, and it’s not because more people die of dehydration on the 5^th day of the week: Go to #3

2. You brush your teeth, change into your Superman pajamas, and hop in bed just in time to be hit in the face by the rogue meteorite that just crashed through your 3^rd floor window. Guess it was made of kryptonite. Moral: studying instead of going out is the leading cause of death among people who are hit in the face by meteorites while resting in bed. So even if you don’t want to go out, remember: better safe than sorry.

3. You perform the patented 3 Sh- Plan of shower, shave, and… poop, in preparation for a fun night out. Your friend calls and asks what’s going on, using whatever the token hip-hop slang phrase of the day is, despite the fact that he was born on his parents’ yacht and has been popping his collar since he was still wearing diapers, as 2pac and Biggie roll in their graves. Probably something like “yo holla at me if you know what’s cookin, biatch.” What do you do?

A) Tell him to come over for a little bit, and that you’ll go out in an hour or so: Go to #4

B) Tell him you’re hosting a party, and start inviting people over: Go to #5

4. Your roommate arrives, and after a quick run to the store to buy some Dubra (Russian for “classy”) and Natty (English for “delicious”), you pregame in your room with a few people before heading out. Where to, gumshoe?

A) Go straight to the dance: Go to #6

B) Go to a party across campus first: Go to #7

5. On the last episode of “The College Years”, Screech took steroids and beat the crap out of Slater in a fit of rage, Kelly finally realized she can do way better than Zach, and you decided to host the party in your room. As the night goes on, and on, and on, and on, Nirvana-style, your room becomes filthier than Wilhelm Grav Slavata and Jaroslav Borzita Graf Von Martinicz (try saying that one five times fast) after the Defenestration of Prague. Eventually, the many germs combine to form one big hybrid germ, and that night you die of salmonelariabolaids. Moral: let some other doofus host the party. Ok, fine, I just wanted to use the word “doofus.”

6. You head over to the dance, ready to get your groove on, only to discover that you’re the first student there, and wind up being forced to talk to that professor who’s so awkward that he makes explaining to your girlfriend why you just came home from your ex’s house with lipstick on your collar more comfortable than eating Mrs. Fields cookies in a Brookstone massage chair at the mall. Fortunately for you, a stray Mongolian with a poor sense of direction suddenly charges, yelling “YOUR WALL AIN’T SO GREAT NOW, IS IT, CHINA”, and tosses a spear through your temple, putting an end to your miserable situation. Moral: The Mongols were badass.

7. You head over to Smith (since every college campus in America has a dorm named “Smith”), where a keg is being held in the common room. For those of you Conn kids out there who are confused right now about why there’s a keg in Smith, just pretend I said “Windham” instead. Anyway, after realizing that the crowd of 300 is blatantly mocking the fire marshal so badly that they might as well be mooning him, you decide you’ll need a beer or eight to cool yourself down from the equatorial body heat. Unfortunately, the line to the keg is somewhere between “Water park on a 103 degree Saturday afternoon” and “Lord of the Rings on opening night.” Do you:

A) attempt to grab the beer yourself: Go to #8

B) send the hot girl you’re friends with to work her Houdini-like magic and grab you some beer: Go to #9

8. You attempt to squeeze your way through the room, which is packed tighter than a speeding windowless van flying towards the Mexican border. You reach the keg just as the person in front of you snags the last drop of beer, but just in time for Campus Safety to bust in like the feds breaking up Vin Diesel’s party in XXX. Once they’ve confiscated your ID, they suddenly realize you’re that kid with the 37 unpaid parking tickets, and execute you on the spot. Moral: I don’t know… I saw the words “hot girl” in the last paragraph, and my train of thought careened over a cliff faster than Doc’s girlfriend’s wagon in Back to the Future III.

9. You send Hottie McLookingood in, and she gets to the beer faster than a fat kid charging towards a plate of fresh brownies. Campus safety arrives, but you already have your beer, and notice that they’ve failed to cover one of the windows. Doing your best Hu Jia impression, you dive out the window and stop, drop, and roll on the grass. Then you realize you were never on fire, so you stop rolling around like an idiot, get your ass up, and make your way over to the dance, where you wind up spending half the time chasing a girl who couldn’t be more out of your league if she was a MLB All-Star and you were a D3 college benchwarmer. However, you do have a fun time dancing, and after the dance you go to a post-dance party, which was lots of fun I’m sure, but I’m tired of typing, so it’s time for me to wrap this up like the lady who made my sandwich at Roly Poly today and give you the winning moral from your favorite (only) blue furry friend:

C is for Cookie, that’s good enough for me.