I Wanna Go Fast!

(imported from other blog. Original post date: 9/26/07)

I’ve been driving in to San Francisco to go out with some friends from work the last few weekends, and I've got something to say: for a city that's known for being full of intelligent people, the road design here sure is fucking dumb. For those of you back east, the best way I can describe driving in San Francisco is “San Francisco’s roads are like driving through Boston for the first time, only you were spun around 500 times and forced to take copious amounts of acid beforehand.” The road names don’t seem to follow any pattern, and there’s plenty of one-way streets, just likeBoston… but there’s also massive hills blocking your view of what's coming up everywhere, and while all of the intersections have white lines, only some of them require stopping. It appears that whoever designed the city decided it should be a fun scavenger hunt at every intersection to add to the excitement of the drive, so there’s various stop signs and stoplights, but they always seem to be off to the side on a random corner instead of in the middle where you’d expect them. While everyone appreciates a good game of Where's Waldo, I prefer not to play it in the middle of oncoming traffic.

I’m proud to announce that my stats minor has been put to good use. After much exhaustive research, I’ve determined an official numeric value for hotness: “How long can you keep me watching a Lifetime movie?” Congratulations, Lacey Chabert – you are the current champion, with a new world record of “about 5 minutes.” The only problem is that there’s pretty much no such thing as “A Perfect Ten” anymore, since there’s no way in hell I’d watch a Lifetime movie that long, no matter who’s starring in it.

While football games may have been going on for a few weeks now, the season didn’t officially start until this past Sunday, when announcers made their first “Wow, Hines Ward sure is tough!” rant.

Tougher than a lumberjack, a pirate, and Chuck Norris combined.

Speaking of football, here’s a few more random thoughts I had while watching the Cowboys dominate the Bears so hard, we all thought the Bears must have forgotten their safety word…

Anyone else think the Wendy’s commercial where they inhale the helium and then go to Wendy’s has “pothead” written all over it? Think about it – everyone’s in the room doing what’s essentially drugs, then someone suggests fast food, and everyone thinks it’s the most fucking amazing idea in the universe.

And you thought Joe Camel was a bad influence...

Terrence Newman is back from his injury! I guess you could say that now that he’s recovered, Newman is a New Man. By the way, that screaming noise you hear is from the 40 or so people who want to make sure they never see such awful puns again trying to pry their own eyes out with a plastic spoon.

Pesto is a dumb name. It sounds like someone caught a bunch of pests and made them into a sauce. I’ll have my pasta without cockroaches, thank you very much.

I wonder how far an NFL punter could punt a small baby.I’m gonna set the over/under at about 20 yards. In fact, I think they should incorporate babies into all those NFL Skills Competitions they have at the Pro Bowl every year. They could see how far punters can punt them, how far quarterbacks can throw them, how hard linebackers can tackle them…it’ll be fun for everyone. Well, except for the babies.

But mommy, I don't wanna go to the Pro Bowl... Mat McBriar is kicking this year!

Finally, how fitting is it that the Cowboys signed Tank Johnson? A player known for his trouble with guns being signed by a team that plays in Texas, the only state where fans probably like players more after they get arrested for handgun possession.