Random Thoughts

Themes are a crutch for the weak. Anybody can write an article when there’s a logical path to follow. It takes a truly talented writer to jump around aimlessly like a trampoliner who just got unexpectedly doublebounced. Well, either that or a crackhead who needs his fix. Either way, it’s time for some random thoughts so deep, they make Jack Handey look like he’s wading in the kiddie pool.

I firmly believe that schizos should get more than one vote. And so do I. Unfortunately, Melissa the copy editor doesn’t think so, as she just informed me/us that “schizos don’t have multiple personalities… people with multiple personality disorder do.” Fortunately, she was outvoted 2-1.

Do psychics have various degrees of ESP like ESPN has different channels? Psychics who just read palms or something could have ESP2, while those who communicate with people who died long ago could have ESP Classic.

I believe the official medical terms for dyslexia and lisp should be Lysdexia and Lithp.

True story – I drove by Dunkin Donuts on my way to work the other day, and two out of three cars in the parking lot were police cars. Truth may be stranger than fiction, but stereotypes are more accurate than “facts.”

Am I the only person who thinks Michael Ballack looks like Adrien Grenier at times? When he kicked the penalty shot against Argentina, I was looking around for Turtle, E, and Drama to charge the field and give him a hug.

If mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, baked potatoes, and fried potatoes are all so delicious, is a cannibal’s favorite food couch potatoes?

I hereby declare that every time Mets pitcher Alay Soler strikes out a batter, the entire crowd should shout SOLER POWER.

Speaking of Mets pitchers, Duaner Sanchez is my new favorite player, solely because his name is abbreviated as D. Sanchez. I can’t wait for the first time he makes a diving play, just so we can hear the announcer say “wow, that is one dirty Sanchez right there!”

The guy who works down the hall in my office sounds EXACTLY like Paul Rudd every time he talks. I keep waiting for his phone to ring, only to hear him pick up and say “You know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay.”

Only Golf could have a Cialis Open. Seriously, is any sport more appropriate for a sponsor like Cialis? The object is to get it high up in the air, and then put it in the hole. But as if a major sporting event being sponsored by Cialis wasn’t good enough already, they decided to play the background music from an Eminem song while showing the scorecard before a commercial. That’s right… they played Eminem during a golf tournament. I can only hope that this leads to an And 1 Mixtape featuring Raffie singing Baby Beluga while Helicopter mercilessly taunts The Professor after making him the most posterized player since Frederic Weis.

For those of you who missed the World Cup finals, Italy won in a shootout, thanks to key goals from Rigatoni, Fettucini, and Linguini. But to me, the really mind-boggling thing was that the announcers did not bother mentioning that Thierry Henry, France’s best goal-scorer, was unable to kick in the shootout. How do they not even casually mention this? Can you imagine a moment like this in an American football game? Hell, if Carson Palmer misses one play this entire season, they’ll not only show replays of last season’s injury from 37,426 angles, but they’ll probably also find his mother within five minutes and ask her why she didn’t feed her son more milk growing up to make his bones stronger. And they can’t even mention it during the WORLD CUP FINALS? I’m more baffled than the Italian guy was after Zidane spun around and headbutted him in the chest. (On a side note, I’m not going to bother making any jokes about the headbutt… it was at such a high level of comedy, that anything I say will automatically not be as funny as the headbutt itself. So we’ll just move on.)

Speaking of the World Cup, I’m glad to see the French decided to wear white jerseys in the finals, although I was surprised that they didn’t rip them off five minutes into the match, attach them to a stick, and wave them around as their white surrender flags.

Melissa rocks.
(Melissa added that… I’m gonna have to copy-edit her copy-editing, and clarify that she meant “Melissa is dumb as rocks.”)

I was flipping through channels recently, and stumbled upon 7^th heaven, which I hadn’t seen in probably about 8 years, only to find that Beverly Mitchell (the girl who played Lucy) grew boobs. This sent my mind spinning faster than the cow in Twister, as it went back and forth between “that girl is hot” and “she’s 12!!! Don’t look at her!!” even though she’s actually older than me and is like 25 these days. And as if that didn’t make me feel old enough, I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 last weekend and got a Transformers preview. My excitement was instantly killed by my friend (who’s two years younger than me), when she asked “what the hell are Transformers?” I might as well buy my ticket to the senior citizen home now. On the bright side, if it’s less than 300 dollars, it’s already cheaper than the damn movie ticket.

On a random side note, now that this thing is online instead of in print, I decided I'll start up the mailbag again. Feel free to write in (via email preferably, but IM or comments board works too, just let me know it's for the column) with any feedback, column topic suggestions, jokes, thoughts, or random questions on anything from eating a box of oreos in one sitting (it's been done) to playing the tuba while wearing a bandana 2pac-style (also been done) that you'd like answered.

I’m out like Yao Ming in a limbo contest.