Hairy Twatter and the Prisoner of Ass-ka-bang

At happy hour today, the topic of dirty (but funny) sexual phrases came up - things like the rusty trombone, the dirty sanchez, etc.  Also, it’s the birthday week of one of the biggest Harry Potter fans I know.  How are these two things possibly related?  I’m glad you asked!

This month marks the 15th anniversary of the original publication of Harry Potter.  That means children who were 6 when they read the first Harry Potter book are now smack in the middle of their drunken college years, and could use some good immature humor based on the books they grew up with.  Well, folks, I’m nothing if not a public servant, and I aim to serve the public.  With that, I give you the many spells of Hairy Twatter and the Prisoner of Ass-ka-bang.

Alohomora
In the books: unlocks doors.
In dirty slang: an awesome pickup line that unlocks panties.

Avada Kedavra
In the books: the most unforgiveable of unforgiveables... immediately kills anyone it touches.
In dirty slang: the most unattractive of unattractives...  immediately kills all boners it touches.  We’re not just talking ugly, we’re talking hideous - yellow nails falling off the toes, breath that would make a feces-eating dog’s breath smell like fresh baked pumpkin bread by comparison, clumps of hair missing to reveal the dandruff blizzard of a scalp... the works.  Only one boner is known to have ever survived it, and that guy had some REALLY sick fetishes.

Confundo
In the books: also known as the Confundus Charm; confuses its victim to the point that they have no idea what’s going on and blindly do as they’re told.
In dirty slang: getting shitfaced.

Crucio
In the books: the torture spell.  Ouch.
In dirty slang: kick to the nuts.  Ouch.

Descendo
In the books: makes things sink
In dirty slang: a milder form of the Avada Kedavra.  Interestingly, the Confundus charm can actually cause a Descendo to become an Erecto.

Erecto
In the books: used to erect things.
In dirty slang: I mean.... c’mon... that’s just too easy.  Or should I say, too hard?

Expecto Patronum
In the books: patronus charm; requires thinking of your happiest memory, and helps you to survive when Dementors are trying to give you the kiss of death
In dirty slang: fantasizing about a really hot partner instead of the one you’re currently with.  Helps you to remain happy while Descendos are trying to give you a kiss.  Little known fact: weaker wizards with little talent can still occasionally perform the Expecto Patronum properly if they have their partner bend over and face the other way.

Fiendfyre
In the books: extremely powerful fire, seemingly with a soul of its own
In dirty slang: REVENGE OF THE GINGERS!  Finally, we’re powerful, and more importantly, we even have souls!  Of course, we’re still considered evil, and everyone hates us, and we almost brutally killed 4 main characters at the same time... but hey, can’t win ‘em all.

Imperio
In the books: one of the forbidden spells, allows you to control someone and make them do things without their will or consent.
In dirty slang: can I get a Roofie Colada...?

Incarcerous
In the books: Ties people (or animals) up with ropes.  In one memorable scene, Dolores Umbridge uses it to tie a tight rope around a centaur’s neck, nearly choking him to death in the process.
In dirty slang: Yea... remember that creepy fetish guy I mentioned in the Avada Kedavra section?  This is definitely his thing.

Also, random side note - I had to Google  “dolores umbridge centaur” to make sure I was thinking of the right spell... and discovered that the first links on that search are all about how it’s implied that Umbridge was gang raped.  Definitely did NOT pick up on that one...

Lumos
In the books: a white light comes out of the tip of the caster’s wand.
In dirty slang: a white liquid comes out of the tip of the caster’s wand.  Also known as Cumos.

Petrificus Totalus
In the books: this spell causes the victim to become incredibly stiff, so stiff that they’re unable to even move.
In dirty slang: the anti-avada-kedavra, this is a woman who is so hot that she causes the victim to become incredibly stiff, so stiff that they’re unable to even move without drawing attention to the fact that they have a giant boner.

Prior Incantato
In the books: allows you to see the last spell that was cast by a wand.
In dirty slang: unfortunately, despite every woman’ wish, there’s no real-life equivalent to be able to tell what a “wand” was up to before it got to her.

Repello
In the books: keeps muggles away from magical places, perhaps most notably the Quidditch World Cup.
In dirty slang: successfully detaching a stage 5 clinger, perhaps most notably that foreign girl you hooked up with at the World Cup


So, there you have it - the many spells of Hairy Twatter and the Prisoner of Ass-ka-bang.  If you’re itching for more, you might want to get that itch checked out.  But if you’re metaphorically itching for more, check out the new online site Twattermore, based on the successful books.