funny headline.

Yet another suggestion for Webster’s 2007 dictionary: the Circle of Life, formerly known as “wise teaching of Mufasa”, will also be known as “eating while pooping.” Go ahead, make all the disgusted faces and noises you want… we both know you want to try it.

Has anybody seen the “Five Friendlies” that are the official mascots of the 2008 Olympics? I swear they’re teletubbies on steroids. Forget Major League Baseball… we need to start testing for performance-enhancing drugs on Mascots. And speaking of baseball, I hope you all noticed that the starting pitcher matchup for Dodgers-Mets recently was Lowe-Maine. (If you’re confused, call Golden Wok and ask them what they think of Lowe-Maine.)

Just once, I’d like to be watching a football game and hear the announcer say “The Toyota Halftime Show is brought to you by… FORD!”

CNN.com headline this afternoon: “Fake witch doctor shopped Wal-Mart, cops say”… so remember, next time you go to the witch doctor, make sure their bags are from Target.

More fun with headlines: “Multicolored bird hailed as new species”… somewhere in his grave, Jimi Hendrix is saying “see? I TOLD you I saw some crazy colored bird that one time backstage.”

I know I’ve discussed this before, but it’s worth saying again: Fall sucks. Every time I look out the window and put on a sweatshirt and pants, it’s 70 degrees. If I put on shorts and a tshirt, it’s 50 degrees. It’s like when someone walks up to you with a hand behind their back, and says “guess how many fingers I’m holding up?”, and you know they’re cheating but there’s nothing you can do about it, so you just take a guess, and you’re inevitably wrong. Fall is the cheating older sibling of the seasons.

Do people with bad lisps call the Thong Song the Thong Thong? Taking it a step further, has there ever been a Sisqo fan who said “my favorite thong is the thong thong”?

For those of you who missed it, North Korea made their big nuclear test recently, which is clearly just what they need. If they screw up and nuke themselves and kill off half their population, they just might have a shot at having enough food to feed the people who are left. Honestly, can you imagine someone like me living there? I think I’d be a threat to their national safety… I might eat 3/4 of the food supply in a one week vacation.

On a quick serious note, I said it last year, and I’ll say it again: Bocce ball should be a camelympic sport.

Is there a lamer name in professional sports than the Athletics? “We are athletes, so let’s call ourselves the Oakland Athletics!” I hope their owner buys an NFL team, just so I can root for the Los Angeles People Who Play Professional Football For A Living.

Course pre-registration is coming up, so I figured I’d end this column by helping you all out by sharing four years of course knowledge that I’ve learned. First, always be sure to sign up for morning classes. Sure, they may start earlier, but you’ll be done earlier too. Second, art classes are your best friend. All you have to do is draw pictures, how hard could it be? If I had a three year old brother, the pictures he drew would already be hanging on the fridge at home, and my mom would already be telling him how great his pictures were… if he can do it, you can too. Finally, be sure to only take classes that sound miserable and incredibly hard, like Biomolecular Quantum Chemical Analysis III. That way, it always ends up being better than you expected, since it can’t be any worse, so you’ll be happy with how it turned out.

There you have it: great advice for signing up for classes. I swear, it’s not just me keeping you the hell away from anything I want to sign up for so it doesn’t fill up…