Aladdin

First column of the summer. It’s about Aladdin, which I watched last night, after being inspired when I heard Entertainment Weekly ranked it #25 in their Top 25 Most Controversial Films list (more on this later.) Anyway, random thoughts on the movie…

PREVIEWS

Lion King – Who is the guy who yells at the beginning of the Circle of Life song? What a great job. Imagine getting paid to just yell in a high voice making noises that don’t make sense, and having your random sounds become famous. If I could simultaneously hang out with this guy and the guy who voices every scary movie preview on the planet (who must be pounding a handle of vodka and chain-smoking 17 packs a day at this point to get that voice), I’d be happier than an NBA player who just found out he doesn’t have to play in Utah anymore.

Now there’s a picture of lions and stuff in the studio… too bad Roy isn’t there in case it gets hungry.

Pinocchio – he’s made of wood… and certain body parts on him grow… and this isn’t phallic how?

THOUGHTS ON THE MOVIE

I can handle them changing the “Where they cut off your ear if they don’t like your face” line to something else in the VHS version (it was deemed offensive to Arab-Americans, according to the always reliable internet), but couldn’t they at least have used the same voice when they sang the new line? It’s like taking the opening scene of Terminator, where Arnold is nude, and replacing his entire torso with a picture of a clothed Christina Aguilera’s torso. It just doesn’t work.

Jafar wants the thief to bring him the lamp. I love lamp.

Watching the one really big guard stand next to the smaller one is eerily similar to one of those Barry Bonds before/after steroids pictures.

Definitely didn’t realize that the people landing in fertilizer were landing in poop when I was little. I like this movie even better now. Hehehe… poop. Yes, I turn 22 this year.

“I’ve never done a thing on my own… I’ve never even had any friends… I’ve never been outside the palace walls!” And from the looks of that stomach, you’ve never eaten a sandwich either. Speaking of which, Jafar is actually pretty damn skinny too… he just hides it with his giant cape. Why’s he wearing that thing anyway? Didn’t he see The Incredibles?

Where does Jasmine’s “I’ll wear a hood and nobody will recognize me” disguise rank among the all-time least believable disguises? Would it go before or after Superman/Clark Kent’s “if I wear glasses, nobody will know my secret identity” plan? I’m buying a sombrero this weekend and robbing a bank.

You know you’re watching a Disney movie when Aladdin’s best insult is calling someone a “two-faced son of a jackal.”

Could anyone other than Robin Williams have possibly played the Genie? I can’t imagine anyone doing it. I think the only funnier voice would be someone with tourette's. “You have rubbed my BITCH lamp… I will grant you three wishes MOTHERFUCKER… but there are limitations. I can not make people SHIT excuse me… come back from the KELLY CLARKSON…”

As a 6-year tuba veteran, I feel very qualified in asserting that there has never been a better tuba part than the opening of Prince Ali. Recognize.

All Aladdin needs to get Jasmine liking him is a magic carpet. Which begs the question… what’s the real world equivalent of a magic carpet? I’m gonna go with “roofies.” There’s nothing else I can think of that could get a girl going from “I hate that guy” to falling (literally) for him that fast. In fact, after hearing phrases “don’t you dare close your eyes” in the song, I’m pretty sure I’m right… he’s trying to keep her barely conscious. That sleazy bastard. Suck it, student life… you can’t write me angry letters about roofie jokes when the column isn’t in the paper.

Aladdin is staring at the princess as she walks away after their first kiss. I’m willing to bet 100 dollars he’s checking out her ass.

Jasmine: “I choose you… Aladdin.” What is he, a fucking pokemon?

Concluding paragraphs are for losers. Real men write a pair of sentences about manliness that have no relevance whatsoever to the rest of their paper.