Dinosaurs… the Other Other White Meat

After seeing that Jurassic Park was on AMC for the 467^th time this month, I decided I’d watch it, since the last time I saw it, the Knicks were within 50 games of being half-decent, AOL still made those cool noises when you used dial-up (you know, the ones that made it sound like aliens were taking over the world), and Charles Barkley only weighed 300 pounds. Speaking of which, do you think Charles Barkley secretly hates Magic Johnson, as well as everybody else who has HIV? People have been making fun of Barkley’s weight nonstop since he retired, while the once trim Magic sits at the same commentators’ desk and has ballooned in size as well, but nobody is allowed to make jokes about it since he has HIV. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day, while Barkley and Magic are talking, a teleprompter “accidentally” slipped out of Barkley’s hand and bashed Magic in the face…. 12 times.

Anyway, like a heroin addict, it was only about 30 minutes after watching Jurassic Park that I felt a need for another dinosaur fix. After several days of cravings stronger than a pregnant woman’s, I decided to go to the Natural History Museum, which is an event in itself, since me going to a museum is about as likely as a priest getting wasted at the strip club (unless it features 12 year old boys, in which case, it’s quite likely.)

While I never bring my camera to trivial events like “dances” or “graduation”, there’s nothing like some 200,000 pound animals with teeth as big as my head to make me brush the 3 inch thick layer of dust off my camera. Without further ado (and without further Adu, since the Americans got knocked out of the World Cup… and yes, before you leave snide comments, I am aware that Freddy Adu was not actually on our World Cup roster), I give you…. KONG! Or a picture-by-picture look at my trip to the Museum. Whichever seems like less effort.

On our way to the dinosaur section, we discover a couple of Baloo’s relatives, and make her pose with them. Strangely enough, the sun appears to be pictured in the middle of a cloud that’s not even as tall as the mountain…

Yes, I took a picture of this just because it said “beaver.” And as established last week, I turn 22 years old this year.

Little known dinosaur fact #1: Tyrannosaurus Rex’s favorite food was the Hanginglampasuarus.

Little known dinosaur fact #2: Despite being the epitome of masculinity, many ferocious meat eating dinosaurs took the time to paint their nails in between savagely ripping the flesh off of other dinosaurs.

It’s called “toothpaste.” Try using it sometime.

And I thought the LAST one had bad teeth. Apparently, this one is the little-known “Britishasaurus.”

The Brontosaurus, a constant source of “tail envy” from other less-endowed dinosaurs.

Little known dinosaur fact #3: The T-Rex loved tattoos, and often had many on his face. (See next picture for close-up)

Close-up of T-Rex’s tattoos. As you can see, he was Westside until he died.

Baloo shows her striking resemblance to some small, scrappy, obnoxious looking dinosaur. Who knew bears evolved from dinosaurs?

Little known dinosaur fact #4: The Stegosaurus’s plates were actually solar panels, seen charging up in this picture.

Answer: “Chuck Norris.”

Hey there, Bucktooth McGee! Good to see you!

Me: “Moschops… sounds like something I’d eat for dinner.”
Baloo: “Yea, I’ll bet it went extinct pretty fast.”

Glyptotherium, also known as the Fatass-asaurus.

While leaving the museum, 3 things I learned about the selfish bastard known as the Manatee:

1) They are unable to go on land, and therefore must stay in the water at all times.

2) Despite being fat lards, they actually have no blubber, and therefore can have problems keeping themselves warm.

3) Unlike most other animals their size, which feed off of small fish and similar things, manatees are vegetarians.

It’s animals like the manatee that make me question the merits of evolution… shouldn’t they have gone extinct 40,000 years ago? What a worthless creature. And in case you’re wondering why I say they’re selfish, my neighbor Laura once pointed out to me that you always hear about how manatees are endangered, save the manatees, wah wah wah, when there’s plenty of other endangered species out there… they just hog all the attention. So, if you’re an activist, quit protecting these worthless self-centered pieces of blubberless fat and start doing something to save cool animals, like grizzly bears. I don’t know if they’re endangered or not, but you can never have too many grizzly bears. And while we’re on the topic… there are guard dogs, so it’s clearly possible to train animals as guards. Trained bears are in the circus, so it’s reasonable to assume bears are trainable. When I grow up, I’m going to have a squadron of guard grizzlies in my house, as well as a few security cameras, just so I can laugh at the recorded images of the helpless burglar’s face, just before Paco the Grizzly rips his head off and eats it.

Just like a Trojan, I’m going to wrap this thing up. The moral of the story, as always: dinosaurs kick more ass than a man who punts donkeys for a living.