10 Things I Learned in 2011

Wow, that year went by faster than... hey, look, it only took us less than one sentence to get to our first random unrelated rambling!  That has to be a new record.  Anyway, on a side note, in case you've ever had trouble wondering "how fast is this?", here's a cheat sheet of what you can compare things to, from slowest to fastest:

1. Drew Bledsoe sprinting with a broken leg
2. Me eating a meal
3. Drew Bledsoe sprinting with two healthy legs
4. How fast 15 minutes goes by when you're hungover and stuck in class
5. How fast 15 minutes goes by when you're waiting for food at a restaurant after not eating all day because you were hungover, and are just now finally feeling up to eating and realize you're starving
6. Average speed.  Boring.
7. Asian boy calculating a math problem in his head
8. Time it takes to name every player on the Pittsburgh Pirates that you've actually heard of
9. Time it takes to name every player on the Pittsburgh Pirates that you've actually heard of who you don't only know because they ended up on your fantasy baseball team (and usually that's only because your internet connection died and the auto-picker selected them)
10. Joey Chestnut eating a hot dog
11. How long you'd last in bed with Jessica Alba
12. This guy chugging a pitcher of beer

Anyway, after all that - the year went by fast.  That was the point.  Probably somewhere between a 9 and a 10 on the previous scale.  But as the year comes to a close, it's time to look back and reflect on what I've learned this year.  So without further ado, here we go - 10 things I learned in 2011.

#1: NASCAR is fucking awesome.  You'll have to excuse my language; I'd prefer not to swear, but it's just that 1) just saying "NASCAR is awesome" would be a bigger understatement than "Battlefield Earth was sort of bad", and 2) I don't really give a shit if you don't want me to swear.

I always thought NASCAR was stupid.  Drive straight, turn left, drive straight, turn left, drive straight, turn left... it's the Derek Zoolander of sports, unable to turn both ways.  This August, I went to two NASCAR races in Bristol, Tennessee... and it was probably the single best sporting event I've seen live.  While it's still true that I'd rather shoot myself in the foot with a nailgun than watch a race on TV, I've learned that I would also be willing to shoot 15 other people in the head with a nailgun if it meant I could go back to a race.  Any sport where you show up to the tailgate early Friday morning for a Saturday night race, only to find that you are are immediately mocked by everyone there for being so late to the tailgate (apparently they started on Tuesday), is a sport I can get behind.  Also, it's amazing how fun it is to watch those cars go in circles live - it's absolutely an electric atmosphere, and the excitement when the cars gun the engines at the conclusion of a caution lap is right up there with the beginning of a power play in a playoff hockey game.

#2: Marketing is a powerful thing (and isn't always honest.)  In February, Chrysler came out with a pretty awesome "Imported from Detroit" campaign that made us all briefly wish we were from Detroit.  Then we all remembered: oh yeah, it's Detroit.  I'd rather hang out in Shittsburgh.

With that being said, why aren't politicians just hiring these ad agencies that make corporate commercials?  Nike's made about 10 different commercials that give me goosebumps when I see them.  Chrysler made Detroit look cool, which falls somewhere between "making 'brussels sprouts' sound delicious to a child" and "convince a Tea Party member to change his or her mind on... well, pretty much anything" on the difficulty scale.  Even BP and the oil companies had some commercials not long after the Gulf fiasco that made them almost semi-likable.  Instead of making commercials that have a narrator preaching about Obama while we see pictures of him smiling and shaking hands in the background, what if he just hired whoever made this commercial and said "make me a campaign"?  I'm not sure how that commercial would look, but I am sure that I'd be 712% more likely to vote for Obama after seeing it.

#3: Tim Tebow is not average.  It seems the only acceptable answers to the question "what do you think of Tim Tebow?" are "HE FUCKING SUCKS, I HOPE HE DIES IN A FIRE" or "HE'S NOT JUST THE BEST QUARTERBACK EVER, HE'S THE BEST PERSON EVER, AND YOU'RE A FOOL FOR EVEN NEEDING TO ASK."  There is no middle ground.

#4: I suck at blogging regularly.  I began 2011 by writing a post on January 4th about childhood cartoons with stripper names.  I followed this up just 10 days later with a post about what different rappers eat for breakfast - good start to the year!  ...then I went almost exactly seven months before my next post, discussing my refusal to "Just Go With It", and then went four more months before finally writing this one, which is only even happening because I'm procrastinating doing dishes.  After every single one of those posts, I said to myself (and to whoever happened to be around at the time) "I always have fun writing these, I should do it more often."  Nope.  The fact that I used to crank these out once a week in college is baffling.  Hey, speaking of dishes...

#5: Politicians suck.  Everyone's always whining about politicians.  Ohhhh, they won't compromise.  Wahhhh, they're all stupid.  Boohoo, they just raised taxes because the Argentinian hooker they regularly hire with state funds demanded a bonus if she was going to give them a rusty trombone.  Blahblahblah.  None of these things were really THAT bad, were they?  But this year, I discovered that the founder of my sworn enemy, ProFlowers (the only customer support line I've ever actually started screaming at on the phone), is now a member of the House of Representatives.  Therefore, the only possible conclusion is that politicians suck.

#6: I really despise doing dishes.  I started cooking a bit more this year.  I actually enjoy cooking.  Unfortunately, I often end up avoiding it, just because I detest doing dishes more than Hitler detested juice.  I never really understood why Hitler hates juice, but that's what I learned in school - apparently he started a war trying to eliminate it and everything.  Guy had some passionate taste buds I guess.  On a related note, I also never understood why Jimi Hendrix kept asking to be excused so he could kiss some guy, when he was in the middle of singing a song.  Seems like he'd want to finish the song before he made out with a dude on stage.  Anyway, dishes suck.

#7: The saying "you are what you eat" is bullshit.  I've always jumped like a typical white boy.  This year, I ate kangaroo.  Thought I'd jump like one afterwards.  Turns out I still can't jump over a quarter.

#8: Top ten lists are played out.  Eight is the new ten.  PEACE