What's New?

I can do a pretty bad job staying in touch with my friends. Out of all the people I wish I spoke to on a regular basis, I’d guess that only about half of them would say we really stay in touch. (Breakdown of the other half: 25% live in this area, 15% occasionally have drunken conversations with a random redhead at a bar in Boston and think that it was me, and 10% I actually talk to. And by “actually talk to”, I mean “occasionally send drunk texts notifying them how much their favorite team/athlete/actor/flavor of ice cream/type of wood to make tables with/singer sucks.") This past weekend, I had a couple of conversations with some friends I hadn’t spoken with in months, and I was happier than a pedophile who just got hired at a Toys "R" Us to finally catch up with them. Yet, one thing continues to plague me like a European in 1348 - my inability to answer the simple question “what’s new?” It comes up every time you talk to someone you haven't talked to in a long time, and it should be so easy to answer... and yet, it never is.

Hop in your Delorean and go back in time with me for a minute. We’re going to go way back - picture Chris Berman saying “BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK” on a home run, and then tack on a few more backs to that - all the way to this past Friday. Yes, I know Friday was a long time ago, and the world was a different place. You’d eaten 12 fewer meals, Randy Moss would never be traded, and I was yet to discover the Grandma’s Special Burrito at La Fiesta............................................................................................................................ oh hey, sorry about that, I just fell asleep as part of my food coma that I still have from eating that burrito 9 hours ago. Anyway, I know Friday was about 17.3 eternities ago, but you’ll have to use your imagination and try your best. I hadn’t talked to this friend in about six months, give or take a month or two. Over the past six months, I’ve one all sorts of stuff - hell, I’ve been to Las Vegas three times during that time period, and that should be more than enough ammo right there - and yet, when asked what’s new, the best answer I could come up with was “ummmm... I dunno, same shit, but I guess that’s good.”

What the fuck you mean, "more than enough ammo"? When it comes to ammo, no such thing as more than enough.

In the grand scheme of poor answers to questions, where does this fall? Probably not quite as bad as saying “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” when thousands of media members are currently investigating an obvious scandal, but it’s up there. Side rant: given that women are attracted to power, that presidents are under a lot of stress, and that so many politicans are sleazy dirtbags who think “morals” are those big paintings you see on walls, how many times do you think a president has cheated on his wife since George Washington took office 211 years ago? I say 67, although the number is skewed because 64 of them were Clinton. The other three? Martin Van Buren, whose illegitimate children conceived during these cheating sessions went on to become the infamous Van Buren boys.

Hey Costanza, did you know that our secret handshake is actually a variation of the top secret Presidential High Five?

Why is it so tough to answer such a simple question? It’s not like you’re Jason Biggs and were just asked “what are you doing???” after someone walked in on you with an apple pie. I have no real answer to this, other than a long boring explanation about how life goes by fast, the days blend together, blahlbahblah... but wouldn’t you rather spend the next 20 minutes playing this than reading a boring explanation?