Freshly clean, I sat down to compose what I'm sure will go down as our generation's great piece of literature. Homer had The Odyssey; Shakespeare had Romeo and Juliet; Tolstoy had War and Peace; and now, after tonight, the world will remember Meyer's If I had a murse, I wonder what I'd put in it?
"Holy crap, my career would have been 30x better if I'd starred in If I had a murse, I wonder what I'd put in it? instead of this crap." -Leonardo DiCaprio
So... enough background details. Nobody goes to a nice steakhouse for the salad, time to get to the meat of this thing. (And if they do, they're probably the type of man who already has a murse anyway, so they don't need to be reading this.)
IF I HAD A MURSE, I WONDER WHAT I'D PUT IN IT?
This was a question I recently found myself pondering, and it would rank #67 in my Life's Great Questions list, just between #66 (Why was the fight between Gaston and the Beast so close? He's a fucking BEAST (literally), it'd be more lopsided than a physics debate between Stephen Hawking and Peter Griffin) and #68 (Why did Kobayashi wait until AFTER the hot dog contest ended before he tried to charge the stage and claim he was the real champion, instead of just going up there before and demanding they let him compete?) It was inspired by a conversation with a female friend about her purse, and my thought that I could already hold everything I needed in 2 pockets. (If you're curious, the list of "everything I need" is wallet, keys, cell phone, chapstick. Russ once told me that if you have your wallet, keys, and cell phone, you'll be able to get anything else you forgot; I agree, but also don't like to wait if I need more chapstick.
Sometimes your lips just hurt real bad and you don't wanna wait, gosh!
However, once we started talking about it more, I realized there are many uses for a murse. Here is the complete, comprehensive, all-inclusive, too lazy to look in a thesaurus for more ways to say that, list of things I would keep in my murse:
- Wallet
- Keys
- Cell phone
- Chapstick
- Camera - I never seem to have a camera on me. Now, I could upgrade from "Guy who never takes pictures" to "Guy who has a camera but still never takes pictures". At this rate, I'll be at "Guy who takes pictures but forgets to turn on the flash" in no time!
- A pen and post-its - If I had a nickel for every time I needed to write something down but didn't have the necessary supplies, I'd... well, I have no idea how much money I'd have, because I was never able to write down how many times it happened.
- Advil - for those times where you get on a 6-hour flight and you get a headache within 5 minutes, then have to wait 5 hours and 55 minutes until you land to get to the baggage claim, retrieve your toiletry kit, and pop a couple pills. Or, if you want a simpler thing to relate to, "because hangovers suck."
Damn... that's a pretty useful murse right there. Unfortunately, the use of "not looking like a tool" still outweighs it, so I'll pass. But really, if you're going to buy a murse, there's pretty much only two ways you can go with it. And what are those two ways? I give you... MAGNUM!
...and now that I've given you that, I give you the two ways.
The Overcompensating Manly One
- 6-pack of PBR
- Football
- The Alphabet of Manliness
- Keys to Harley parked outside
- Oversized jar of protein powder that's way too big for me to ever use up
- Spare Tapout shirt, for when I get blood stains on this one after kicking someone's ass
- Another oversized jar of protein powder
- Pack of tissues, so you can wipe the tears off your face when you realize that no matter how much manly shit you put in your murse, you're still carrying a murse
The Admitting Defeat One
- Makeup
- Lipstick
- Hair dryer
- Water bottle, so I can put on fake tears quickly and cry my way out of speeding tickets
- Tampons
So, there you have it. Of course, there's a 50-50 chance that the only way I would ever even consider writing so much on a murse is that I made a bet along the lines of "hey Meyer, I bet you $20 that you can't write 856 words about murses." While I can neither confirm nor deny that statement, I CAN tell you that as of the end of this sentence, I'm going to be at 851 words, so just to be safe....
Murse murse murse murse murse.
