“Wait… how could anybody have so much to say about flags that they need to split a post about them into two parts?” Well, I answer your question with a completely unrelated question: how are they still allowed to call it “Survivor” when it’s been on the air for 29 seasons and 429 episodes, and yet EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS SURVIVED?? They should be forced to rename it “That show where everyone is still alive at the end, always.” Show has fewer scary moments than a rated G Disney cartoon.
Anyway, we’re more off track than every single game where you put the electric car on the track and squeeze the trigger to make it go - seriously, did anyone NOT squeeze it too fast and send it flying on the first turn every single time? - so let’s get to the flags.
For a recent work project, I found myself looking at many countries’ flags. The work itself was boring - it involved a mix of jewelry trends and international shipping - so instead, let’s just pretend that I was doing research to determine which country Rambo should completely destroy while mumbling incomprehensible jibberish next. (Answer: all of them. AT THE SAME TIME. Rambo clones himself 195 times, in Rambo 32, starring Stallone, Stallone, Stallone, Stallone, Stallone, Stallone….)
As I researched Rambo 32, I noticed something: most flags are boring. Like, really boring. So boring that it made me wonder if “flags” is actually an acronym for “F’ing Lame Ass Goat Shit.” A whooping 26 sovereign states currently have flags that are nothing more than “three stripes that are different colors”:
“Hey, wait a minute… he cheated, two of those flags appear twice!” NOPE, Chuck Testa. Fun fact: Chad and Romania have the exact same flag, and Ireland and the Ivory Coast have the same color scheme with slightly different dimensions! And if you actually think that fact was fun, I have some fantastic paint you can watch dry on my apartment wall for the low, low price of just $20/hour!
But just in case you think the lack of creativity is limited to the three stripers, check this out:
That’s three different flags! Two of them are just upside-down versions of the other, and the third blew everyone’s mind by saying “what if we took that same pattern… and made it ever so slightly less wide???” Rumor has it the flag designer was promptly executed for proposing such a radical idea. Either that, or they were going to get even crazier by adding a third stripe, but they ran out of paint.
Even my beloved United States flag isn’t exactly standing out these days, thanks to the launch of the Liberian flag in 1847 and the modification of the Malaysian flag in 1963:
But, as we all know, if there’s one thing we Americans care about - other than football tailgates with Budweisers in pickup trucks - it’s being independent, creative, and original. That’s actually why we revolted way back in 1776: don’t let the history books fool you, it had nothing to do with taxation without representation, it was due to flag-ation without imagination:
Compared to that, our flag looks more creative than Picasso on shrooms.
So, are there ANY good, creative, exciting flags out there? Of course! A few favorites:
Brazil
It’s original; it’s creative; it’s fun. The bright colors scream “let’s go party at the beach and celebrate the fact that our women are beautiful and our drinks are delicious”, and who can blame them? It’s become iconic through their dominant soccer team - sorry, I’d call it “football”, but that almost seems like a dirty word in America after all the NFL’s off-field drama lately - and yet, nobody has attempted to copy it yet. Bravo, Brazil!
Albania
I like it, because it looks straight out of a Marvel movie. Seriously, look at the Hydra flag:
If any country randomly puts a picture of a shield on their flag, I guarantee they’ll be at war with Albania in less than a month.
Bhutan
I don’t really know anything about Bhutan, but that flag is awesome. Well played, Bhutan. If I ever start my own country, the over/under for “dragons appearing on my flag” will be 37. (Pro tip: take the under… 37 wouldn’t leave enough room for the t-rexes, and what good is a flag full of dragons if they’re not busy battling an army of t-rexes?)
Mexico
If you want to do the three stripes thing, take notes: this is how it’s done. “Oh, don’t mind us, we’re just doing a boring ol’ three striper… WITH A BADASS EAGLE EATING A MUTHAFUCKIN SERPENT, AND NOT GIVING TWO FUCKS ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE’S STANDING ON TOP OF A PLANT KNOWN FOR BEING PAINFUL TO TOUCH. In the words of the wise philosopher Gronk, “Yo soy fiesta.”
Panama
As someone who got a C in art in 5th grade - you know, the year where you basically got a B just for remembering which side of the pencil was the eraser and which side was the tip - I appreciate what Panama has done here. It’s simple enough for a child to draw, yet it’s still found a way to be original. Solid colors, original design, good symmetry, and starts to look like a tangram puzzle if you stare at it long enough. All good things.
St. Lucia
Pretty sure that either Star Trek actually took place in St. Lucia instead of outer space, or that St. Lucia is actually a planet in a distant galaxy. Either way, beam me up, Scotty.
Canada
It’s arguably the flag that best embodies its country. Outside of putting a giant hockey player on here with a cartoon bubble saying “eh?” while holding a bottle of maple syrup in one hand and a Labatt Blue in the other, is there anything more Canadian than throwing a giant maple leaf on the flag?
(This is the part where I scroll through Wikipedia’s flag page, see Israel’s flag, and immediately regret saying Canada’s flag is the one that best embodies its country. Whatever, I’m not changing it. Editing and delete keys are for losers. I WRITE FOR ME, NOT FOR YOU.)
I write to win… for me! FOR ME!!!
There are some things in life that are simply too permanent to get rid of, such as tattoos, or the aftertaste you get from Outback’s garlic mashed potatoes. Fortunately for us, flags are not one of those things. Flags are fixable; in fact, most flags have been changed many times before their current uncreative editions. Did you know that in 1598, France adopted this as their flag?
Somebody once looked at that and said “Hey, guys, that’s not bad and all, but you know what would really make us stand out? What if we took a rectangle, and then just painted three other rectangles inside that rectangle? And actually, to save paint, let’s just leave one of those colors as white, so we only have to paint two rectangles.” And the fact that somebody once said that is the single biggest reason why France went on to have bloody revolutions and civil wars around the concept of democracy: if someone votes for the current flag over that one, how can they be trusted to vote correctly on anything else?
Fortunately for us, we have many advantages over the French citizens living in 1794 who decided to adopt the current flag. Most notably, we don’t live in 1794, and we aren’t French. So since we’ve got both of those things going for us, it’s time to fix some flags. “Be the change you want to see in the world”, said Gandhi, and we will do just that. In part two of this post, you can follow one man’s brave* journey** to fix*** every**** flag*****, through a combination of sports knowledge, borderline offensive stereotypes, alcohol, stereotypes that cross the borderline part of offensiveness, and way too much free time.
*I’m not sure sitting on the couch qualifies as “brave”, but as a redhead, the word “Brave” has been associated with me ever since the Pixar movie.
**Does the trip from the couch to the table count as a journey? Because I totally did that at some point when my wrists were getting tired from typing at weird angles.
***I’m not sure that every country on here will agree that their flag was “fixed”, but you know what’s great about changing flags for nondemocratic countries? They don’t get a vote in the matter!
****By “every”, I mean “like 15ish.” But hey, that’s 15 more than you did this morning.
*****When I say “flag”, I mean… actually, that’s exactly what I mean. It’s a flag.
Part two, coming next week!
